It got me thinking about how I define myself. When I was with Wednesdai, I described myself often as her pet. Her role was to look after me, keep me in line. My role was to do basically whatever she wanted of me. With Enigma it was much more a submissive role I’d say. I think with deka I was approaching the slave mindset, but again mostly I was a pet.

I very definitely identify myself as Miss Tara’s slave. I declared myself her slave the day she offered and I accepted her permanent collar. At that moment I made the last choice about my status I’ll ever make. I’ve willingly, gladly given up the right to decide anything about my relationship with Miss Tara. That’s a pretty good definition of slavery I think.

At the same time though, I very definitely feel cherished, protected, nurtured, owned by Miss. Those are definitely fitting with the label of “pet”. A pet is expected to be controlled, yet cherished. I’m definitely that.

Does it really matter what label applies? Maybe not, whether you call me slave or pet, I know this much: I am thoroughly owned by Miss Tara, and that’s all that really matters.

Related posts:

1. What does it mean to be owned by a switch?
2. Some thoughts on submission and communication
3. Some new thoughts, a realisation and an apology

Something else I’ve been considering is that I am and actually always have been owned by a switch. Miss Tara is another’s slave. I am her slave. What does that mean in terms of our dynamic? What consequences are there? What risks and pitfalls?

I realised that I’ve always been owned by switches. Wednesdai was owned by Walter, Enigma switched with her partner at times, and deka was TxPitou’s slave when she first collared me. Enigma didn’t switch much, she was almost exclusively Dominant, but not fully. Other than that I’ve always been owned by ladies with strong submissive sides. I’m not sure what it is that attracts me to switches. One possibility is that they tend not to be as domineering as a pure Dominant can be. I’m really not sure, and that possibility just occurred to me so it’s not fully formed.

There are definite risks and consequences. One risk is that a conflict develops between myself and my Owner’s Owner. That was the case with Wednesdai and it ultimately destroyed our relationship. In addition, my Owner’s Owner may expect me to be submissive towards them. Miss Tara’s Master definitely does not, Wednesdai’s claimed he didn’t, but that was not consistent with his behavior, leading ultimately to the conflict between us. Another consequence is that I will not be my Owner’s top priority. If I was the only sub, and my Owner were only Dominant, then from a strictly BDSM point of view, I’d be her only priority. Being collared by a slave means that her Master can and does take priority. That can go to an extreme as it has in the past where it felt like I wasn’t a priority at all, or it can remain well balanced. The power dynamic between myself and my Miss is and must be distinct between the power dynamic between her and her Master. The damage that could result if there were ever a power struggle between myself and him would be devastating to all involved.

At the same time, I do think there are benefits as well. As a slave herself, my Miss has insight into me that I do not believe a pure Dominant would have. I believe that she is as deeply into my head as she is in part because she’s in the exact same space herself. Her Master is also an excellent resource for her. If she feels she’s struggling at all in her relationship with me she has him to turn to for insight, he has a wealth of experience in BDSM and his coaching can be and has been very beneficial. As I mentioned before, I believe that because she is a slave herself, she does not tend towards the more domineering style of Domination. That doesn’t mean she won’t firmly put me in my place when I need it, there is tempered steel under there, but it means that there’s a gentleness to her that does not match the stereotype of FemDom.

As far as the risks and pitfalls go, I think we’ve got an excellent balance. Miss Tara’s Master absolutely does not expect me to be submissive to him merely because I am hers. He is always available to me though as a resource should I need it, as is Miss’s chain sister. Nor does Miss’s Master monopolize her time to the exclusion of any time with me, he has two other submissives so even if he wanted to, that wouldn’t be practical. In fact, he actively supports her in her ownership of me and has expressed the opinion that by her owning me, she is a better slave to him.

It’s interesting how things work out, and how our path winds along. I’m so glad it’s winding along the way it is.

Related posts:

1. Ponderings while waiting for a test run to complete…
2. Thoughts on labels
3. On Punishment

I’m going to do something that I’m a little uncomfortable about, I’m going to compare my four owners and look at what was good, what wasn’t and contrast that to now. My intention is not to be critical or accusatory. If anything comes across that way I apologise in advance. My intention is more to look at what is it about me and about my Miss that has resulted in such depth and solidity. I comes up as well for me because we’re at the magic point in SL D/s relationships, the two month mark. Only one of my previous relationships lasted beyond that mark and in retrospect that was an anomaly.

Let’s start with Wednesdai Breen. She was my first as was I. At the time she collared me, I was still very much the newbie in SecondLife. I’d also never before entered into a D/s relationship in any way. That I was submissive by nature I’d known virtually my entire life. What it would look like to submit to another I had no idea. Miss Wednesdai showed me that I could be a good submissive, that I was embarking on the right road in my life. That she was substantially younger than I wasn’t a significant issue. In looking back, I think the biggest issues were authority and security. I wrote at the time of my struggle to endow her with Command Authority. It was a struggle that I ultimately failed at. When my security was being eroded by the actions of Walter, I was not able to trust in her keeping me safe and secure, unable to endow her with the Authority to induce me to obey her direct command not to raise the issue again. It resulted in our needing to part ways. We are still in contact, she’s still a very good friend, and I still get all squidgy when she calls me “little one”. Since then, she has moved on, she now owns another very good friend of mine and has evolved into a fine Dominant. I know that my friend is well cared for, is truly under her Command. I’m really happy for them both.

I met Enigma while she was a trainer at FFF. She was older than Wednesdai, more experienced as a Dominant, she had Command Authority in spades. There was never a question of who was in charge with Enigma. I had grown as a submissive, I was more confident in myself and more confident in being in a D/s relationship. There is a lot that can be said about what brought about the end. There’s also conflicting interpretations of who left who. For me, I think there were two primary issues. First, our interests had decidedly diverged. She was focused primarily on creating a club/shopping area as a means to earn money within SecondLife. We spent hours and days planning and building. It was interesting and fun for a time, but eventually it became just about all we were about. The second piece for me was the perception (and I say perception deliberately here) on my part that my needs were not a priority for her. At the time we met I’d spent close to a month 24/7 as a pony. I identified most strongly (still do, really) as a pony. By the end, I’d spent virtually no time as a pony and the times when she took me to train it felt like it was a chore she was doing, not something we both enjoyed doing together. I reiterate, this was how I perceived things, not claiming that it’s what her motivations were, or where she was. Where I failed her, was in not checking in to validate or refute my perceptions. Did I leave her, or did she release me? Honestly, I’m not sure anymore, and really it’s no longer the point. The fact is that I learned a lot from her, and from being hers; I also learned that she and I were not right for each other.

We arrive now at deka. I was with deka for slightly more than 6 months. In SecondLife terms, this is well above the average. When we were together, deka and I fit incredibly well. Again she most definitely had the Command Authority down pat. All she had to do was look at me the right way and I snapped to. She was also instrumental in helping me to discover and expand on my latex fetish as well as my previously unknown boot fetish. When we were together, there was no question she looked after me well, she even extended into RL in small ways, like instituting a curfew because my sleep habits were so poor. The difficulty was how rarely we were together. I was surprised and saddened to read over my blog during the time we were together and note how few times I wrote of things that happened while we were together and how often I wrote of missing her. Yes, I had her cell phone number and could call her, but it was telling to me how rarely she reached out to me outside of SecondLife. Not a criticism, not a complaint, merely an observation and recognition that my own needs were not being met. I needed her to take ownership of maintaining lines of communication. Maybe not full responsibility, but at least a much larger share of it. That’s on me, not on her.

Finally, the best for last. Miss Tara Reardon. What can I say that I haven’t before? She knows me better perhaps than I do myself. There is no question that I am important to her, that my happiness is important to her, that my submission is important to her. She makes no bones who is in charge, and yet she spoils me rotten. She knows how important it is for me to feel her hand on my leash, and so whenever we are together the very first thing she does is take up my leash. She knows how much of a bondage slut I am and so she regularly orders me to restrain myself as tightly as I can. She knows how important it is for me to have variety in my form and my dress, and so she regularly chooses a new form for me to take. She knows how much I need to be held accountable for my responsibilities in RL and she does, firmly. She recognized my slave-nature even before I did and has helped me learn to yield to it, embrace it, thrive in my slavery to Her. She has claimed me as her own, and there is no where else I can possibly imagine myself. She’s my best friend, the best Miss I could ever imagine, my Owner in all ways. I also know, like I know how to breathe, how very proud I make her, and how much joy I bring to her life. Whether we are able to spend time together in SL, we are in constant contact. She makes it a priority to be sure that I know how important I am in her life, and I do my very best to show her the same. I have the honour and the privilege to wear her collar both in SL and in RL. In RL it is the one thing that we both have touched, and though I can’t wear it about my neck where it truly belongs, I have it on every waking hour of my day. A constant reminder of who I belong to.

I am, and hope ever to be, Miss Tara’s. That one sentence says it all.

Related posts:

1. What does it mean to be owned by a switch?
2. Milestone reached
3. Where is that line anyway?

In the process of figuring all of this out, we’ve decided to set up a store area on a platform away from where the house will be. It’s going to simplify how we’re using the land and in time, Miss wants us to square off the parcel we’re on. At the moment it’s sort of shaped like the letter ‘b’. In order to get that land we’re going to need to add some tier to the group. I’m currently providing the tier for what we have, and Miss deka is going to be adding some soon. There’s a couple of parcel for sale connected to us and hopefully we can get one of those and then see about buying the rest of what will end up being the resulting rectangle. It’s going to take some time, but time we have plenty of.

A friend of ours mentioned to Miss deka recently that I was worried I was losing her. She checked in with me about that today and I assured her that nothing could be further from the truth. I need to check in with our friend and let him know that. I think he may be thinking of the time when I was, seriously worried that I was losing Miss, hell I thought that I had lost her. That’s all water long under the bridge and as I’ve mentioned (okay, gushed) recently, I’m here for the long haul.

I mainly bring that up because of a comment Miss made when we were talking about what to call our combined shop. She said “Well i think we arent separating for a long long time” and my heart skipped a beat or two. My reply was “Not if I have anything to say about it”. I know that we’re firmly committed to each other, I know that I’m her’s for as long as I can imagine, it just feels so good to be reminded that she feels the same way. Oh, the name she came up with? “DC Designs”. I love it.

So I’ve moved my shop and now I’m doing something that I never thought I would do. I’m selling my little 512 parcel. The little piece of mainland that was always my refuge, the one place I knew that I could call home no matter what. I don’t need it anymore. My refuge is with my Miss. My home is where she is. That parcel was a nice fallback when things didn’t work out between Enigma and I. It was home for a while after Wednesdai released me. I don’t need a fallback anymore, Miss deka is my fallback.

I’ll close with the warm and fuzzy feeling I got this evening as Miss deka curled up for sleep, idling in SL locked in, just as I am. She’s about 10 feet away from me right now, curled up in the cage Wednesdai got me when she first collared me. I’ve written at length about how much that cage means to me, it is the truest home I have in SL. I told Miss how sweet it was to see her sleeping there, how it makes me smile. In a way, it is her claiming ever part of me, she owns every part of my being, including my true home. When she told me she was “stealing” the cage for tonight I melted. Contrast that to how I would have felt if Enigma had done so. I’d have feel put out at the least. Not so with Miss deka. I’m having difficulty finding the words to describe how it touches me. A picture will have to suffice.

Related posts:

1. Another new beginning
2. Thoughts on being a good sub…
3. Ponderings while waiting for a test run to complete…

I think Miss is a little surprised at herself. She’s never had a female sub before, and she’s never had a pet. Ember seems to fit the pet role more than anything and I think Miss is a bit bemused. Meanwhile, I’m definitely in the role of the “big brother” sub, helping Ember with the nuances of the lifestyle, the practicalities of submission in SL, etc. I’ve always known Miss to have a big heart, and we’ve talked about setting up a sub sanctuary on our land. Seems we’ve started, and I’m really quite tickled. It was especially touching for me when Miss checked in with me about how Ember would be addressing her. She was fully prepared to prohibit Ember from addressing her as Miss if I objected. That level of caring and of consideration makes me melt every time she shows it, and she shows it regularly. Naturally I told her that I have no issue at all with how Ember addresses her. I know my place, and I know my role, and I know that I am Miss deka’s boy and that doesn’t change whether “she calls you Miss, Ma’am, Mistress, or hey you”. That got a chuckle from Miss.

We’re going to rework our parcel too, the castle is gorgeous, but honestly it’s just too big. It feels empty. Instead we’re going to all settle on the meadow (or possible relocate everything to ground level) with some houses and maybe a few cottages. In the morning I’m going to set up a second working platform so I can rez out all of my buildings and give Miss a good sense of what the possibilities are. I’m curious what she’ll think of the Tree Tower… While on the one hand, everything I have comes from when I was with someone else, the Tree Tower from when I was with Wednesdai, the Castle and most of the smaller buildings from my time with Enigma. I think it would be very cool if one of them resonates with Miss deka.

As always, I’m snug and securely locked for the night. Miss tells me that she plans the same for Ember, just not completely sure where she’ll be spending the night until we get some more sleeping arrangements set up. She also surprised me, she wants me to set up a regular bed with one of the force-sits that we use to lock me in, when I’m in human form she’s going to want me to sleep in a normal bed form time to time. I realised when she told me this that I have never, not once slept in a normal bed in SL. The only time I can think of that I’ve ever actually been in a bed was one night when Wednesdai was drifting off to sleep and I snuggled with her as she fell asleep. That’s it. Other than that I used to just log out when I went to bed, or I’d be curled up in my cage, or in my stall, etc. etc. It’s only the last while with Miss deka that every night, I go to bed in SL, locked in, snug and secure and stay there overnight. Sleeping in SL while I’m sleeping in RL. I really love that connection, and I really love that Miss deka locks me in each night.

Related posts:

1. Thoughts on labels
2. Sometimes life is just good, you know?
3. Building, planning, dreaming

Miss deka has decided that it is time to up the ante a bit, more bondage, more extremes in what I’m wearing, more on many levels. I’m loving every moment of it. It coincides with her Master doing the same, so to some extent she’s been keeping us in sync.

It all started late last week when she started working on my Latex doll look. First, she put me in my Restrained Freedom discipline suit for a day or so

Then she added a gas-mask, some new latex and a stand that had her riding me

She locked me in place, and then was herself locked in place and there we sat, on display for the Forum, for nearly 24 hours. Looking out through that gas mask was interesting, the lenses fog up as you breathe and you can only see through the holes. You can’t touch anything either.

The last time she had me as a statue, was the time she made me into a table as punishment. This time, she was with me the whole time, and it wasn’t for punishment it was for fun. Fun it definitely was. I begin to see what the statues who used to grace the Forum got out of it. What you can’t see in this picture was the tails that everyone was pinning on me thanks to Miss deka’s Master. He left a pin-the-tail-on-the-dollie sign up…

Next, we were ponies together again. Training up our pony boots (I started over again from the beginning in exchange for being allowed to join Miss) and wearing our new pony hoods. These hoods are fully encasing and shaped like a horse’s head. I really, really like the way it looks and will probably ask Miss to allow me to wear that hood any time I’m in pony tack with much latex.

That night, after I put myself to bed in my stall on our meadow, Miss deka was put to bed in the stall next to mine. In the morning, I set out and picked up a few things to decorate her stall with. A pony bed like mine, a hay bail and an apple. When she came online later, Miss was pleased which sent nice ripples through me.

The next day (Saturday now), was both a very fun, but also a very scary day. It all started nicely enough, in the morning I was over at the Forum, chatting with folks while the last touches for the auction later that day were put up. In the midst of all that, my wife suffered a seizure. Since her stroke, she’s had three seizures that we know of. They are to be expected following a stroke, and she doesn’t seem to suffer any major ill effects, but they can be quite scary. I was on voice at the time and didn’t realise that I was broadcasting the crisis to the entire Forum. Jamie shut down voice fortunately so there was no major issue, just a bit of embarrassment. My wife is fine, and I returned to SL later on to be auctioned off (I put myself up for a two hour cart ride, location to be chosen by the winner). The same person bought Miss deka and I and I think she wants us to give her a shared ride. Should be fun. The auction was a great success and we raised over $500 for Breast Cancer Awareness. This translates to over L$150,000 in Linden Dollars which is an enormous amount of money to raise over a two hour period.

Finally, yesterday, Miss deka decided it was time to go a bit more extreme and we came up with a latex neko look that is just amazing. I’ve got this purple glowing hair with tail and ears to match, covered head to foot with latex. I love it. When I get a chance, I’ll pull some pictures down and post them. When she put me to bed last night, she commented that my hair made a nice night light. I was glowing on many levels as I went to bed.

Oh, a brief note about being put to bed. I’ve got different beds for each of my forms, and they all lock me in. A really nice puppy kennel I picked up last time I was a puppy. A kitty basket that is nearly identical to a real one we had for our cat when I was a kid (the cat’s didn’t have the steel mesh across the opening that mine does though (grin). My isolation pod for when I’m in dollie form, my stall on the meadow of course, a cage in the dungeon, and last but certainly not least my original cage that Wednesdai bought me. All of these lock and unless I am wearing my doll key, I am locked in and online through the night, sleeping in SL the same as I am sleeping in RL. When she can, Miss deka tucks me in and locks me down before I head off to bed. I am released shortly after I wake up in the morning and it never fails to send me to bed with a smile and just a little bit in subspace.

The care and attention Miss deka gives me is just overwhelming some times. It regularly leaves me breathless to reflect on the fact that I am Her’s. In ten days it will be exactly four months since she collared me. By far the longest I’ve been owned in SL and I’m at the point now where it’s becoming difficult to relate to the period before she claimed me. I still remember those times, and some of them I remember very fondly, but that was a different lifetime. I can’t imagine life without her. SL sparkles when she’s there, it’s a little dull when she isn’t. RL cares and worries (and I’ve got more than my fair share) are lessened just by the knowledge that I am Her’s. We don’t have to be doing anything, we can be just sitting at the Forum chatting, or sitting at home playing Greedy, or just sitting talking. Everything else is gravy and there’s no shortage of gravy. The core is there, solid, it sends thrills through me when I contemplate it.

Related posts:

1. A wonderful start to the day
2. Sigh, missed a few days
3. A lazy Sunday

The day started nicely enough, I did some troubleshooting on a bug report, found the bug, killed the bug, posted an update. I was up really early since I went to bed quite early last night.

Later at the Forum, a very nice person was, um, pontificating on BDSM, kinda like everyone at the circle was there to be enlightened. Honestly it was one of the funniest moments I’ve ever experienced in SL. There were four or five of us that were seriously playing with her. It was almost cruel in a way, except for the fact that when we’d try to turn her pontification into a conversation she’d just barrel on ahead acting like “Miss High Exalted Expert on Everything”. Sorry, but that’s an open invitation. Given how bad her spelling was, there was some speculation that she might have been drunk…

Near the end of it Miss deka came online and joined in a little bit, but shortly pulled us both away do to some planning/shopping. Actually, she had an assignment for me: Find (not buy, just find) all the gear needed to set myself up as a neko. I don’t know a lot of the history/evolution of neko, but the essential bit is that a neko is part human, part cat. Complete with ears, tail and hind paws. Often with an enormous assortment of accessories, bangles, piercings, tattoos, etc. etc. etc. I did my level best. I was handicapped a bit by slow rezzing at the shops I went to, partly by Lisa’s timing in getting up. I found some decent candidates for most items, and won the ears I ended up with from a lucky chair.

When Miss returned, she took me to some much better shops than the one’s I’d been able to find and in short order I’ve got a nice fluffy tail, the ears I mentioned before, some very cool paw/boots and some more ideas of stuff to get. Most of the rest of the evening was spent at the Forum, just chilling out. There were some Greedy games with Damon mixed in there too, just for good measure.

At one point, I needed to run an errand. When I returned I was surprised to see that I was gagged, bound in my arm-binder, and blindfolded too! I snuggled in beside Miss, feeling all snug and warm, and mmmmm….. <grin> Miss removed my blindfold after a few minutes, but left the gag in place, chiding me when I’d forget to use the garbler channel and the gag would scold me.

Later on, still at the Forum, Miss deka asked me how often I checked my email. I let her know that it gets downloaded constantly, but that I actually look at it every couple of hours or so. Curious why she’d ask, I glanced over and there was an email from the SecondLife systems. Miss deka had proposed partnering!!! Partnering in SecondLife is more or less the equivalent of marriage. Your profile declares who your partner is, and it’s permanent until one or the other files for divorce (well, pays a fee). But it’s not a small thing.

There was a time while I was with Wednesdai that I seriously considered proposing partnering, but ultimately it wasn’t to be. With Enigma it wasn’t even a serious possibility, even before things began to fall apart. I can honestly say that I hadn’t thought of it with Miss deka, because there didn’t seem to be a need at the time. I wear her collar, I kneel at her feet, what more do I need? In not quite those same words, I said that to her (the context was she was saying something about wearing white, or rather that neither of us can), but I also made sure she knew the whole truth: I’m deliriously happy to be Hers. I can’t imagine SecondLife without being by her side, or at her feet. Though I remember everything that came before I met her, it feels like a different life, a different person. I’m not the person I was when I was Wednesdai’s, I’m definitely not the person I was when I was Enigma’s. I am Miss deka’s, and only Miss deka’s and I can’t conceive of not being Miss deka’s.

She inspires me to be a better person, she inspires me to be a better husband for my wife, she inspires me. There’ve been some ups and downs, how could it be a real relationship if there weren’t? In spite of, or perhaps because of those ups and downs, we are stronger than we’ve ever been. We’re stronger now than we were after the first few weeks when things were all bright and shiny and new and we were seriously inside each others’ heads. We’re even deeper now. She’s definitely deeper in mine, and I’m pretty sure I’m deeper in hers.

Today was without a doubt the best day of my Second Life. I know I’ve said that before, and it’s been true every time. Today leaves them all in the dust. I know, like I know how to breathe, that I am owned, that I am cherished, that I am Her’s. Turning it around, just as strongly, I yearn to make her proud, to make her happy, to ease her burdens. I adore her, I am devoted to her, I love her. It’s not the same as my love for my wife, who I also adore, cherish, love and worship; but it’s in the same league. I’ve come to realise that these two relationships are not in conflict, my adoration and love of Miss deka does not compete with or detract from my devotion and love for my wife, nor vice versa. I am truly blessed to have these two wonderful women in my life, my darling wife, and my beloved Miss; my darling Miss and my beloved wife.

How can I not go to bed with a smile on my face tonight?

Related posts:

1. Ponderings while waiting for a test run to complete…
2. A fun few days
3. Another new beginning

No sign of Miss deka, her alt or Damon still. I spent the evening with Tara, Re, Parser and later with ccia and DaddyDenial. We went to the club where Wednesdai used to dance, Ally B’s. It was the only BDSM friendly dance club any of us could think of. It was a really good night overall, a lot of silliness abounded, with only one dark moment.

I know everything in SL is accelerated, but it’s a little frightening to me that I’m already starting to emotionally separate from deka. My default assumption at this point is that she’s gone and is not returning. It’s not so much that she hasn’t been inworld, she’s been absent for longer before, it’s the fact that there was no warning, in fact quite the opposite, we went our separate ways to do RL chores with the explicit expectation that we were going to see each other after. It’s also the fact that attempts to communicate via other channels have not produced any results. There is beginning to be a little voice in the back of my head that is hoping she doesn’t return. My trust in her being there for me has been badly shaken and that’s not going to go away right away if she does return.

Tara declared and I quote “I’ll never leave you, I’ll never abandon you, and I’ll never make you wonder.” and “If she doesn’t come back, you’ll be mine as long as you want to be mine.” and “I intend to keep you as long as you’ll have me.” I’m tearing up just re-reading that. The love and caring that went into those three declarations is just overwhelming.

It’s hard to be abandoned, truly horrible. One of the senior trainers at FFF abandoned several subs when she abruptly left SL during the debates surrounding the new adult content rules. One, a pony I know, spent 10 days waiting for her to return, leashed and blindfolded in her stall at FFF. I was appalled and offered every sort of support I could when I found out about it. I know now how she felt, even if not to the same degree.

I’m overwhelmed, in a good way. I know that there are people who truly care about my well being, I know it in my bones. I’m pretty sure that between the two of them Tara and Re will keep me on my toes, but that’s secondary. Tara’s never seen herself as a Domme. Not in any way. That she’s willing, hell, volunteering to take up that mantle to make sure that I’m cared for is just awe inspiring. I wonder how I was so lucky to find friends such as these.

I know it won’t be the same sort of thing as it was with Wed or with Enigma or especially with Miss deka, but my most important of the four elements, Belonging, is going to be covered. If deka truly has left then I will be proud to declare myself as belonging to Tara until such time as someone new who Tara, Re and myself all agree is right. That’s what I take with me to sleep tonight. The comforting knowledge that I am loved, and cared for. My RL struggles are eased by the comfort I receive in SL. Tara and Re have both gone to extra-ordinary lengths to help ensure I get that comfort and it’s frankly humbling.

Tomorrow marks two months since my trial started. If deka has truly gone, then I’m three for three at having D/s relationships disintegrate at around the two month mark. I’m not sure what if anything it means, but it is disquieting.

Related posts:

1. Wondering what has gone wrong, Part 2
2. Wondering what has gone wrong, Part 8
3. Wondering what has gone wrong, part 1

Ponies are enormous lag generators. We also tend to have many if not all attachment points occupied with gear as well as several HUDs loaded. One thing I’m trying to do is to reduce the clutter on my screen by getting rid of HUD attachments. My friend Chrissy has her “Frankenhooves” where she’s loaded up a bunch of animations and customized her AO. I noticed recently that there is a pretty decent set of pony animations in my collar so I decided to work with the collar rather than my hooves. That way I can eliminate a HUD attachment and still have ready access to sounds and the like.

In order to do this, I needed full access to my collar temporarily. Miss Enigma didn’t mind unlocking my collar for the duration of the surgery and off I went. It struck me though, particularly when I had it rezzed on the floor of my stall, how uncomfortable I am feeling when my collar is not locked around my throat. When Miss locked it back on after a mostly successful operation, the feeling of relief that swept over me was palpable. I realised that this really confirmed how just like with Wednesdai, it’s truly happened: I’m owned. Well and truly, and I don’t want that feeling to go away. It’s very much different with Miss Enigma than it was with Wednesdai, though it really isn’t comparable yet since it’s only been 12 days now since she collared me and Wednesdai and I were together more than two months. Still, while the feeling and the relationship are different in a number of ways (neither better nor worse), one thing is coming through strong and clear: this is my owner. That visceral thrill up my spine is there just as strongly when she takes my reins or locks my collar as it was with Wednesdai. My desire to please her and to make her proud to have me is also just as strong, possibly even stronger.

Related posts:

1. Thoughts on labels
2. What does it mean to be owned by a switch?
3. I never thought this would happen

You see, something has changed in me. It might be permanent, it might only be for a time, but there has been a definite change. As I was driving to work this morning I was playing in my head how I expect that interview to go; what sort of questions she’s likely to ask me; what my answers are. I want to be prepared going into that interview. I want to be able to give well considered answers for any question she might throw my way.

One of the obvious first questions stopped me cold when I really started considering it. Not so much because of what my answer is, but more how it’s kind of the wrong question. The question is this: Why do I want to be a pony? It’s the wrong question. The right question, I realised this morning, is: Why are you a pony?

This is much different from when I was a tiger, then I was playing at being a tiger. Don’t get me wrong it was a lot of fun playing at being a tiger, but it never really resonated for me the way being a pony is resonating right now. I was practicing on the steeples and I was determined to make a no fault run somehow. All of my actions and reactions to how I was doing were pony reactions and it felt totally natural.

So why am I a pony? The simple yet honest answer for the moment is “I don’t know”. I’ve seen lots of human pony pictures, and read pony stories for years (aside: the internet has done more for allowing people to realise their fantasies than anything else on the face of the earth, bar none). I’ve been intrigued by pony play for quite some time but I never imagined that it would be so engrossing, so completely overwhelming. In order to teleport reliably, I’m finding that I need to strip off a fair piece of gear and the more I strip off the more uncomfortable I’m finding myself.

Why is it so comfortable, natural even, being a pony? I’ve been around horses my whole life, mostly from a distance unfortunately, but growing up in Calgary you cannot help but see horses almost every day. I realised that one reason I gravitated to the steeple course right off the bat was due to having one of the world’s premier show jumping facilities, Spruce Meadows, just outside the city. It’s very hard not to be familiar with show jumping living in Calgary. The Calgary Stampede is another avenue, I worked for three years at the race track surrounded by standard-breds, thoroughbreds and of course rodeo quarter horses. So there’s definitely a familiarity and admiration for these majestic beasts, but that still hasn’t come close to answering the question: Why does being a pony fit so well?

There are, of course some, obvious things that attract me to it. All the restrictive gear is like candy to a bondage slut like me. The heavily trust-based relationship between pony and trainer is also an obvious attraction point. Jaydana mentioned something about blindfold pony cart training. I’ve heard of that before, the idea is that the pony is completely blinded and only has the driver’s signals to tell him where and how to go. The thought sends a chill up my spine. The level of trust and of being inside each others’ heads that would be required to really make that work is breathtaking… and totally compelling. There’s the question of roles, when I was with Wednesdai it sometimes wasn’t 100% clear what my role was because we’d never really concretely defined it. That was fine, there wasn’t a need to, but being a pony is a clearly defined role and being a trainer is also a clearly defined role and how the two relate to each other is well defined too. That clear definition of roles is very attractive to me right now. It gets to the question of ‘order’ discussed previously.

But does that any of that really speak to why I’m beginning to seriously self-identify as a pony? It seems far to simplistic and far too shallow to account for the depth of what I was feeling last night when Kittanya was gentling me to her. It’s all well and good to say that it’s all role-play and I won’t deny that it is indeed role-play, but there’s a depth here that feels like it goes beyond that. Just like when I was first collared by Wednesdai, there was a depth to being her sub that I’d never encountered before in or out of SL. This feels very much the same, and it gives me pause. The fact that Wednesdai and I are no longer together has nothing really to do with whether or not I’m a sub (it raises the question of whether I’m a ‘good’ sub or not, but that’s a whole different question).

Whether Button accepts me into FFF or not, there have been changes here and I have to pursue them. I have to follow this trail to see where it leads me because it’s reaching very deep within me in ways I never, ever expected. Wednesdai introduced me to pony play and it was a lot of fun and quite intriguing. Aiden taught me some of the basics and helped to show me where the pony mindset is. Both of these wonderful ladies have brought me here to this next chapter. I can’t wait to see where this all lead because right now it feels like it leads somewhere wondrous.

Related posts:

1. On Toxic People and other random thoughts
2. Some thoughts after re-reading my entire blog
3. Sometimes life is just good, you know?