Corvans Creations... Musings on a Second Life » Samie

We’re having a heat wave, a tropical heat wave…

corvan — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 06:37:44 +0000

Well, I dunno about tropical but I sure did flash back to Bangalore this afternoon when I stepped out of the office. It hit 100 degrees here. It almost never hits 100 degrees. It’s 11:26pm and the temperature is still 78 degrees. Fortunately it’s supposed to start cooling tomorrow. Bring back the fog!!

It’s been a quiet few days, Miss deka is still on vacation so I haven’t seen her much. I do hope she’s having a good time. She needs a break after the last couple of weeks.

Meanwhile I’ve been puttering around, put up a greeter/visitor counter in my shop so i can see who’s coming by. I made my first ever sale from the Eclectic Randomness affiliate vendor in there the other day! So far I’ve actually sold 14 Chat Enhancers and my commission on the ER sale means I’ve earned about L$1500 from my little creation. Not too bad!

I’ve got some fun plans for a couple of new products, and I’m working on a new web backend that will give me much more capability both inworld and on the web. How about an evil titler where the title can be set from the web? It’s coming! I’m also starting serious design work on a project Miss deka wants me to build: the coin operated Dollie. In a nutshell, the Dollie will need to have coins placed in it’s coin slot in order to be able to move, talk, well do anything really. Each coin will give a fixed amount of time. There’s a lot more to it than that, and there will be a whole host of configuration options, but that’s enough of a teaser for now.

Samie’s rez day was yesterday! I got her a set of Z. Designs puppy gear for a rez day present. SL needs more puppies! She showed off her new gear, and I changed into puppy gear myself so we could cavort a bit. Interesting that she shares the feeling that puppies are inherently hyper. One of the first things she told me when she’d tried it on was how she felt like she was just bouncing around!

Not a whole lot else going on, the slow quiet end of summer I guess.

Still missing my Miss, but I know she’ll be back.

Short and sweet

corvan — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 05:15:00 +0000

I had to leave for an early start this morning and I was later than usual getting home from work (usual, it’s my second day back at the office…). As a result, I wasn’t online as much as I would have liked today, though I did accomplish a few things and had a really nice surprise this evening.

In terms of accomplishments, I fixed a couple of serious bugs in my talker and released version 1.01. I still haven’t sold any on XStreet, no big deal, but it would be nice to sell a few of them. Think maybe it’s time to put up a vendor in the FFF Tack Shop.

The nice surprise came when Miss deka came onto Yahoo much earlier than the last few nights. I was really happy to see her, chatting on Yahoo isn’t nearly the same as being with her in SL, but it beats the heck out of not seeing her at all. The real surprise came a few minutes after she signed onto Yahoo. I was sitting at the Greedy Greedy table at the Forum when suddenly I see a notice “deka Nexen is Online”. I jumped up from the table and galloped over to where she was rezzing, beside myself with happiness to see her inworld again. She was on a laptop that could barely keep up with the demands of SL so all we did was sit at the circle for a bit, and then play some Greedy Greedy. Curled up in her lap at the circle, or kneeling beside her while we played Greedy Greedy more than made up for the short time she was able to stay on before her laptop over heated. It was wonderful to see her, and to be able to introduce her to Samie.

I spent the rest of the evening with a smile on my lips knowing that my Miss is still here (I knew it before, but it’s more immediate and tangible when you’re curled up in her lap with her arms around you). I went to bed in my stall at FFF (I’m in pony form for the next few days), all snug and warm to dream of carting, and steeple, and Miss…

A bittersweet day

corvan — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 06:14:00 +0000

Not a lot to say about today, most of it was quiet and frankly, boring.

I miss Miss deka. I know she’s okay, I know she’s taking the time she needs, I know she needs time to heal. I still miss her though. SL just isn’t quite the same without her. It’s now three weeks since she first put her collar on me. I can’t believe it’s only been three weeks, but the calendar doesn’t lie. Like all really good relationships, it feels like it was just yesterday, and it feels like it’s been forever. I hope she’s able to come back soon…

The up side of the day was the Samie coming back to SL! She’s finally got an internet connection that mostly allows her to get online (she’s still got some yelling to do at her ISP, but at least she’s inworld). It was really great to see her again, and I loved that I was able to introduce her to Tara given that Tara’s now filling the role that Samie played when Wednesdai had to be offline for an extended period. I did manage to get one picture…

A day without Miss….

corvan — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 05:07:00 +0000

Well, mostly. I was able to speak with her by phone briefly today so I know she’s relocated and doing fine. She’s not sure when she’ll be able to get back online, but there’s no worries.

Meanwhile, Tara is doing a wonderful job of keeping me on track. I can’t wait for her to meet Samie (who’s still having internet problems getting into SL…), they’ve filled the same role for me during a forced absence…

All in all a fairly quiet day. Spent most of it fishing actually. Tomorrow will likely be similar, though I’m going to buckle down and get some real work done on my RLV Talker to see if I can get it to a point where it’s ready for actual release.

Why do I only write when I'm feeling bad?

corvan — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 21:28:00 +0000

It’s two weeks since my last posting, and a whole bunch has happened in that time. I spent a week as a ponyboy, a week as a tiger, and RL has been conspiring to make me crazy.

I just now realized how negative the tenor of this blog has been, and how little I have to say about what’s going on that is good. There has been good to be sure, but I’ve also been really struggling at times. What I’m finding odd is that I am compelled to write when I’m struggling and don’t think of writing when things are going well. Let me just be clear then, things often are going well.

Now isn’t one of those times though.

As the week of being a tiger wore on, there was no sign of Miss Wednesdai. I know it was only 4 or 5 days, but it felt and still feels like a lot longer. I really miss her when she’s gone and we have far too little time together when she’s inworld. She has continuing internet connectivity problems and there is not a thing I can do to help. One of the consequences of this is that when she is inworld, she’s often very busy leaving little time for me, and it gets me down at times.

I want to be there for her, I want to make her happy, I want to spend time with her, I want, I want, I want. Sigh.

The real trouble is that RL is not a picnic right now. Far from it. I am in desperate need of play time, and of time when I can push aside my worries because I’ve got far too many worries and they are wearing me down. Do I ask Miss for release so I can find someone who has more time available? Do I go behind her back and effectively acquire a new owner? Do I talk to her about how her absences are affecting me, knowing that it is out of her hands, knowing that it will hurt her to know how hard it is for me? Do I simply suffer in silence?

In a way, I already have a “secondary” owner, Samie. When Miss was evacuated due to the fires in Australia, Samie kind of took over looking out for me. Over the last couple of days, I’ve expanded the degree to which she can do that. She’s now set up as an owner on my collar and cuffs and has full authority to do as she pleases with me. Samie is not a Domme though, she’s a fellow sub. She likes to play around, and she’s a lot of fun to hang out with and to play with, but it’s not the same thing. What bothers me the most about how things have been going is that I’ve had much more time with her in the last month than I have with Miss, and it’s not nearly the same thing. Sure, I love it when she grabs my leash, but I know and she knows that it is her being playful, not her asserting ownership.

I miss feeling owned, feeling like I belong somewhere, to someone. I haven’t been feeling that much lately. Given everything that’s going on in RL, I crave that feeling, and I don’t know where to turn to get it. It hurts me that I’m feeling like I can’t depend on it from Miss. Whether that is true or not, that’s where my head is and it’s making me miserable. All the more so because I feel like I have to protect Miss from this because she has enough troubles of her own that she’s dealing with.

The whole thing is complicated by the fact that there is an ongoing issue with what rights and privileges I should enjoy on the Island where Miss and I have our home. In a nutshell: I don’t have many, nearly none in fact. The reasons are long, complicated, and honestly make no sense to me at all. From time to time those rights get further reduced for no readily apparent reason. I’m told that I’m one of the family. I’m told that I’m as welcome on the two islands as any other member of the family, but I’m not afforded the abilities that other family members have. Miss is officially a member of the family so it seems to me she should be granted permission to extend any of her rights and privileges to me, but that too is denied. Again, I end up feeling like an outsider, not really belonging. I have my little parcel of mainland, and a skybox above it. It saddens me that increasingly it is feeling like home, and that the place where Miss and I call home increasingly feels anything but homelike. It’s a place I visit. It’s a place where I go when Miss comes online, and the place I usually go to before I logout for the day. That’s a big change for me. Without exception I always made sure I went home and curled up in my bed before logging out for the day, because I yearned to be home before I left. Now, that pull is less strong, because the feeling of home is less strong.

I miss my home. I miss my Miss. I want to find my way back to where we were just a few short weeks ago. Our two month anniversary was yesterday. We were together for a while last night but neither of us remembered. What does that say about how we’re doing?

((next morning))

I’ve figured out something else that is bugging me. After several day’s separation, we finally were able to get together for only a very brief few minutes. Miss gave me permissions to change back to being human which was really appreciated. During the conversation she said she wanted to buy me some clothes to welcome me back to being human. I have little or no fashion sense, so I thought this a marvelous idea and happily contributed Lindens to the cause. I’ve heard nothing more about it, perhaps she’s waiting to surprise me, perhaps she’s forgotten. The possibility that she’s forgotten bothers me a lot. The fact that I cannot discount the possibility also bothers me. A lot.

How much things can change in just a few days

corvan — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 18:00:00 +0000

No sooner it seems did Samie take me in hand, than Miss Wednesdai made it back online. It was actually at the end of a pretty rough day for me, so I was incredibly glad to see her.

Samie and her sister are quite the pair together, we all managed to get ourselves into a fair piece of trouble. I’m really glad to be able to count them as friends, and even as sisters. In spite of our RL age differences, inworld I feel very much like a younger brother to them, and they both have taken on that role in ways that leave me breathless.

I’ve met so many amazing people in SL, the generosity and caring that people have for each other here is astounding. People you meet for the very first time are intimate friends within minutes. I’ve read how everything is accelerated in SL, it’s really true.

Miss was able to get back from the fire alert, and her ISP troubles and it was so comforting just to be there with her. Just being in her presence makes the world a brighter place. When she leaves the world feels empty somehow, which is an interesting segue to my next post… a post I really don’t want to write…

The not so good times…

corvan — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 22:31:00 +0000

There are a couple of pieces of context required for this posting. The first is that Miss Wednesdai has been off-line for the better part of a week and is unlikely to be back for more than a week more. The second piece is that Walter has acquired another sim and is moving Miss and I to the new sim to help spread the load between the two.

The absense of Miss has not been easy, I miss her terribly some times, and the rest of the time I go from one place to another, but my heart isn’t in it as strongly. Some of the sparkle is missing. Moving has made it substantially worse because I was unable to move any of her items. Only the house and a few odds and ends belong to me, the rest belong to Miss and I could not move them.

The new house is set up, but it sits empty. Everything else has been returned to Miss by Walter and that has intensified my feelings of loneliness. You see, one of the things that isn’t inworld any more is my cage. The cage that Miss got for me, the very first gift from her after she collared me. It is my home. It’s where I go to when Miss comes online or when she wants me to wait for her, it’s where I go to when I go to bed at night. The house is nice, but that cage more than anything else is my home. I feel like I have no home right now. I feel like I have no place in the world anymore. My owner is gone (I know she’ll be back, but that doesn’t help my mood). I feel like I have nowhere I can call home. I feel like I’m intruding when I hang out with Walter and his girls. I feel disconnected, and alone.

I never thought I would become so dependent on Miss always being there. She’s been absent for a day or so at a time and though I missed her, I never felt alone. Now I feel alone, and I hate it. I hate that I feel like I need someone to take care of me, but that’s exactly how I feel. Maybe it’s a crossover from RL, where I have to take care of everybody else, but I really want to be taken care of in SL right now. Samie has been doing a great job of keeping me company, and she’s really very sweet. It’s not quite the same though. I want to feel someone holding my leash, knowing that my place at that moment is by their side.

Samie is one of Walter’s girls and she’s the big sister I never had growing up. She’s funny, caring, almost scarily empathic. She never fails to bring a smile to my face even when I’m feeling down in the dumps. She’s been searching for a pet to have as a companion and sadly a couple of promising candidates declined. They really don’t know what they gave up. This afternoon, just before I had to logout we talked about the possibility or her taking me on as a temporary pet until Miss returns. It would be good for both of us I think, she really wants the companionship, I need to feel like I belong somewhere, to someone; and I think we’d have a lot of laughs together. I hope she agrees, and I hope Walter thinks it’s appropriate. He has the right to veto the idea and I’m worried he will.

Right now what I really want is to have a place where I can say “I belong here”. I know Miss cares for me and I know she loves me and I know she’ll be back online the moment she can be. I have no doubts about that. I just miss her terribly and I’m feeling so alone right now that it hurts.