Corvans Creations... Musings on a Second Life » Pity Party

When life gives you a serious kick in the ass

corvan — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 13:24:24 +0000

I’m not even sure if that’s the right way to put it either. I’m feeling thoroughly overwhelmed by life (RL), especially work which is piled up and I’m seriously stuck. I just can’t get into a consistent roll with the project I’ve got. Oh yeah, and I’m supposed to have it done, reviewed and checked in my end of day Tuesday. Highly unlikely at this point.

I’m just feeling completely out of sorts. I know that it’s not an accurate perception, but it feels like nothing is going right at the moment. Oddly, the least of it is that Miss deka hasn’t been able to be around much the last week. No, I’m not going off the deep end like last time, I know she’s fine and we’re fine, I just miss Her.

Things are going reasonably well with my wife and I, there’s some stuff we’re struggling with of course, but nothing earth shaking. Her surgery is on Wednesday and we’re both really looking forward to her getting her head put back together again. There’s a few ways I feel like I’m letting her down though, details aren’t important, but I’m not thrilled with how I’m doing with her right now.

My daughter’s back in the hospital, been there almost 10 days now. This time she’s making death threats against me. We’ve got some insight into where she’s at, but that hasn’t helped a lot. In a nutshell, she blames me for the death of her mother. In her eyes her mother died when she had the stroke and a stranger occupies her body now. Since she’s always blamed me for her mom’s stroke, that leads to she blames me for killing her mom… I wonder if I’m ever going to get my little girl back.

Meanwhile, this thing with work is really beating me down. I’ve managed to piss away a nearly a month and feel like I’ve got almost nothing to show for it, and I still can’t get on a decent roll… There’s going to come a point, and it may be soon, when they say “Sorry, but we’re going to have to let you go…” I feel the sword of Damocles hanging over my neck, and I feel powerless to do much about it. I’m muddling through as best I can right now, forcing myself to keep plodding even though it feels like three steps forward, two steps back…

I guess the summary is: I’m feeling depressed, I’m not sure how to break out of it, and the pressure just keeps piling up making it harder to break out of it.

Well, survived a not great weekend

corvan — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 20:14:00 +0000

Unless something major happens, going to leave RL out. Suffice to say things aren’t great but there’s some hope they’re going to stabilise.

Definitely not my best weekend in a long time, and there’s a myriad of reasons for that. I’m going to focus in on one that’s got me feeling not too great. I’ll set the scene and then reflect on it.

Sunday morning I was sitting at the circle at Forum when Miss deka came online. After the week I’ve had, the relief and joy at seeing her online was enormous. It wasn’t long before I jumped back home and joined her while she was changing. I was in Dollie form at Tara’s suggestion the day before, and while we chatted, Miss was changing into her own Dollie form. We both talked of how RL is going for us, hers is looking up considerably, and all was well.

We both headed afk, her to shower, me to take a walk, and the plan as I understood it was to reconnect afterward. She gave me an assignment to do if I returned before her, and off we both went. I had a very nice walk, and when I returned I got to work on my assignment. Miss was no longer online but I figured she’d idled out.

An hour stretched to two, and I was getting very sleepy. Early afternoon is always bad for me, especially when I’m chronically short on sleep as I am these last couple of weeks. I logged and took a nap.

Two hours later I log back in and still no sign of Miss deka. One troubling aspect of this is that before she left, she put me in a kneeling pose through my collar. Because it’s locked (of course) I’m unable to release the pose. It came about as she was playing with me a little as she was changing, I guess I get a bit frantic when my AOs conflict with each other and I end up embedded in the floor and she was yanking my chain with it a little .

But she’s not been back online since, and she’s sent no word either through email, YIM or SL. It leaves me in an uncomfortable position, and concerned that everything is alright, and frankly feeling a little down. There’s many possibilities for what happened. Her internet connection went down and she was unable to get on, something else happened in RL which prevented her from getting on, etc. I really hope it is one of these or something functionally equivalent.

I’m fighting it, but it’s left me feeling not too great to be honest. I’m quite sure that I’m just reacting to how horribly this last week has gone. Everyone out here is working hard (including me) to make sure that my wife and our daughter are taken care of, but there’s really no one who’s working to make sure I’m taken care of. I guess the biggest thing that’s hitting me was that yesterday morning when Miss deka came on I was so looking forward to having some time when someone was going to be taking care of me for a while. Selfish I know, but it’s been that kind of a week. I’m feeling let down and more than a little bit sorry for myself. I’m emphatically not saying that Miss deka let me down or that she’s in any way at fault, these are my feelings and I own them. I’m reacting to everything, and frankly reacting rather poorly.

So I await Miss deka’s return. My options are a bit limited, I can take human form, pony form or doll form. Well, I can take all those forms, but my AOs are constantly fighting with the kneel so I have to flip them on and off whenever I move or stop moving. I can’t take on tiger, panther or puppy forms with the kneel locked on because the kneel pose is completely out of place with those forms. It may seem odd that I’m complaining about being restricted (I trying not to be complaining, honest), but it’s like the difference between doing something for fun and doing it because its a punishment. If I’m stuck in the kneel because Miss deka wants it that way then all is well and I’m a happy subbie. If I’m stuck in the kneel because she wasn’t able to get back on to release it then not so much. I wish I knew which it was because it is the not knowing that is gnawing at me.

Let the second guessing begin!

corvan — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 14:42:00 +0000

I was talking to a good friend yesterday and rapidly fell into the beginnings of a pity party. The reality of what has happened the last few days is really starting to sink in. I’ve got some great friends who are doing a wonderful job of not letting me brood, but I’m really beginning to second-guess everything that went on.

The fundamental question I’m asking myself is: Am I any good as a sub? People have commented on how excellent a sub I am, and how well behaved and I’ve even got a few friends I’ve been coaching on how to be a sub, and I ask myself: Am I just full of crap? Do I talk a good game but when push comes to shove I can’t do it? I really don’t know right now.

What I do know is that when the time came to obey Miss Wednesdai’s direct order even though I really didn’t want to, I didn’t. For me right now that’s the crucial piece. I didn’t want to obey her order not to discuss the situation at home, I didn’t feel I could obey it, and I didn’t obey it. That disobedience cost me my home, cost me my Miss, cost me damn near everything. Whether I had those things really is beside the point, and there were several frank conversations I needed to have with Wednesdai over how things were going, and I didn’t do that either.

All the rest is just fun and games, don’t get me wrong, I love the fun and games, but I’m really feeling demoralized that when the time came, I let myself and everyone around me down. It’s far too easy to justify it, to say that the whole situation really was intolerable, but I’m feeling right now that justifying it that way isn’t good enough. I had options, I had choices for how to address the situation. I took the easy way out and betrayed myself in the process.

Maybe I need to immerse myself in learning. I’ve been toying with the idea of signing up with one of the pony stables for some intensive pony training, maybe that’s a route to finding the obedience that seems sorely lacking right now. Maybe general sub training is the other way to go. I’ve contemplated asking either of a couple of my friends if they’d consider taking me on temporarily for training, but I can’t quite bring myself to do it. Part of that comes from my own self-doubt, not sure I’m actually good enough right now; part comes from a fear of rejection, of being told that I’m not actually good enough right now…

What I do know is that I’m kind of just existing at the moment. Flitting around a bit, playing with some friends, but otherwise not really accomplishing anything. Actually, that’s a good description for life in general right now for me, both RL and SL. I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing much anywhere right now… aren’t pity parties fun?