Corvans Creations... Musings on a Second Life » love

Feeling sleepy this morning, but floating on a cloud

corvan — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 14:09:00 +0000

I had a really awful start to the evening last night, my darling daughter decided Sunday to take her tongue piercing and split her tongue. Fortunately she wasn’t successful, unfortunately we spent several hours at the ER because her tongue has swollen to the point she can barely eat.

When I got home I took my time getting online only to discover that Miss deka was on!!!! I don’t want to over state this, but oh did I need her this evening and it was so amazingly wonderful that she was on. I literally fell over myself to land on my knees before her at the circle. She looked lovely as always and I couldn’t tear my eyes off of her. When she took up my leash, I felt whole again. I knew I’d been missing her but I had no idea how incomplete I’ve felt while she’s been gone. In no time, we were just as deeply in each others’ heads as we’ve always been and I was just floating. That leash quickly became a tether keeping me from floating off into the sky.

Regg, Tara, Miss and I went over to the photo studio and took some pictures, I can’t wait to see what Tara does with them. She’s done some amazing things so far. Here’s the picture that now is my first entry in my profile picks:I could not have put it better myself.

After some photos, we returned to Regg and Tara’s house and there were some more pictures of Miss and I dancing. Regg and Tara returned to the Forum after a while leaving Miss and I alone. We just danced and talked and talked and danced and I was a little subbie puddle on the floor.

The colour is a little tinted because of my bane, but you get the idea. Miss eventually chased me off to bed, I missed a couple of AFK checks being too busy adoring her and basking in her presence. I really didn’t want to leave her. I don’t ever want to leave her.

The only small dark spot on the evening was that I’m locked into my bane and it needed to be reset to remove her former Master which means that she can’t override anything in how its set, including and especially the timer. She left no confusion that this situation did not please her. Anything I’m in must always be able to be overridden by her no matter what. That’s not the case right now and once I’m done my current bane sentence it will be again. Miss wasted no time asserting her authority, she locked me in my chastity belt again and took the secondary keys for my hood, there’s actually two complete hood script sets in my bane, the original scripts and the bane scripts meaning there’s actually two independent locking mechanisms.

Was planning on spending some time as yakar or natas but Miss has taken that option away. Do not even begin to imagine that I’m complaining. I’m not even close to complaining. Glowing, floating, loving every moment that I remember I’m Hers.

I’ll close with what she sent me off with last night, it was wonderful and I went to bed with smile on my face (with minor typo edits):

[2009/07/24 1:24] deka Nexen: When the dawn breaks on your window ledge know the abyss of happiness awakens in your day. Know that life brings more joys then ever sorrows as with each deep breath any worry a person can have will melt away.
[2009/07/24 1:24] DN-02: That’s beautiful, Miss.
[2009/07/24 1:25] DN-02 breathes deep
[2009/07/24 1:25] DN-02: thank you for that, Miss.
[2009/07/24 1:25] deka Nexen: When tear well on lids… breath deep
[2009/07/24 1:25] DN-02: I will.
[2009/07/24 1:25] deka Nexen: when anger reddens your gaze … breath deep
[2009/07/24 1:25] DN-02: I will
[2009/07/24 1:25] deka Nexen: when there is ever a moment when you can not control your emotions just breath
[2009/07/24 1:26] DN-02: And there have been a few of those in the last couple of weeks. I definitely will, Miss.
[2009/07/24 1:26] deka Nexen: relax and if you ever need to be close to me slip outside on your porch
[2009/07/24 1:27] deka Nexen: look up to the moon and know that same moon is over me
[2009/07/24 1:27] deka Nexen:
[2009/07/24 1:27] DN-02: I’ll be watching for it, Miss. Our moon.
[2009/07/24 1:28] DN-02: You are such an amazing gift in my life, Miss. What did I ever do to deserve you?
[2009/07/24 1:28] deka Nexen: night dear, You went through something hard and needed someone who didn’t look at you for what they could gain from you but instead of what they could give you
[2009/07/24 1:29] DN-02: Goodnight, Miss. I hope I give you anywhere near as much as you give me.
[2009/07/24 1:29] deka Nexen: you do

I surely hope so, Miss. I surely do, because you give me so very, very much.

Skipped a day, catching up

corvan — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 04:57:00 +0000

So I didn’t post anything last night which means I’m not keeping to my commitment to write something every day.

Spent a good chunk of yesterday as a puppy, I’m going to need to spend some more time in that form, really immerse myself in it to see how it feels. So far, it feels like a nice diversion, but not something I could see spending every day as. It’s fun, I get totally hyper, but it doesn’t just fit the way pony did when I first immersed myself in it. For that matter, I’m coming to realise that my tiger form is similar. Sure, I love the way it lets me snuggle up to pretty much anyone I want to, but again it’s not the same sort of overwhelming rightness that pony or even latex doll is.

Still, I’m happy in my tiger form, so there’s no complaints if I spend time in it. in fact, I’m going to be spending a while as a tiger. Miss deka is on the move, and thank goodness. She’s moving out of her current place and the unhealthy situation that exists there. As a result, she’s going to be offline for a while. It’s an almost eerie sense of deja vu from when Wednesdai had to evacuate due to the fires in Australia. Miss has asked a good friend of ours, Tara to keep an eye on me while she’s gone, and Tara has stepped up wonderfully. I love how cherished and cared for I feel with Miss. Her life is going to hell in a handcart, but she takes the time to make sure that I’m taken care of.

She was able to get online for a bit this evening so we could say farewell. Before she got on, I’d taken some time to reset ownership on various items to remove her now former Master. In the process it was necessary to reset my tiger collar. This removed her as owner… Before she logged this evening she not only re-took ownership, but she locked my collar as well. This means that I’ll be a tiger until she returns. It also means I’m left with a really warm and fuzzy feeling knowing that once again I am well and truly OWNED. It’s a marvelous feeling.

Approaching the line, stumbling, wondering

corvan — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 02:38:00 +0000

From the very beginning of my SecondLife, I’ve been clear that in fairness to my RL wife I must not have sex in SL. I’ve read both sides of the argument, SecondLife is completely disjoint from RL and that it’s not the physical act, rather it’s the emotional element that’s the problem. Yet I’m falling hard for Miss Wednesdai and I’m hoping (and finding so far) that it is disjoint from RL.

I love my wife dearly, I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with her, and frankly, since the stroke our sex life has been better than it had been for years. None of this is changing now that I’m in SL, I still love her with all my heart, and we still have a great sex life. I will not allow anything to jeopardise that.

At the same time, I’m definitely falling in love with Wednesdai in SecondLife. It’s bringing up all kinds of things, some more pragmatic than others. The elephant in the room is sex, or particularly my participation. I want nothing more than to make Miss happy, if that means giving her dozens of orgasms so much the better. If that means orgasms for me (SecondLife orgasms) then that’s really nice too. would love nothing more than to be able to swap into SecondLife for a couple hours to really make love with Wednesdai.

Am I betraying my RL wife? I don’t think so, I certainly hope not. As I see it there’s only really two ways that line really gets crossed. Maybe I’m rationalising to allow myself to go to the next level sexually with Wednesdai, gut tells me I’m not, if my gut’s wrong then it’s too late already, I have crossed that line. The two ways I think I really cross the line: First, neglecting my wife’s needs in favor of Wednesdai’s. On reflection this has nothing to do with sex at all, it applies equally to when Miss and I are just sitting around chatting. If my wife’s needs aren’t being met then simply chatting with Miss is a betrayal. The second way I can see that I could betray her is if the sexual activity crosses the line from SecondLife to RL. By this I mean, if I orgasm in RL due to what’s happening in SecondLife then I believe I’ve gone too far. Ultimately it’s all about how SecondLife affects RealLife. As my good friend put it, and as I am finding, SecondLife and RealLife can be kept completely disjoint, they just need to be kept that way and the priorities need to be kept straight: RealLife always trumps SecondLife.

On the more pragmatic side, I have never had cybersex. Last night as I was with Wednesdai I felt like I was 16 again, not sure what I was doing, fumbling with how to do it, and in particular (and this is new) how to describe it. Sex in SecondLife is largely verbal. There’s a degree of non-verbal action, but really, it’s a described event. I knew what I wanted do a number of times, I just didn’t have the words to adequately describe it. I can’t speak for Wednesdai here, but I found it intensely frustrating not being able to put into words what I was feeling and what I wanted to do moment-to-moment. I don’t think it is hopeless, as we continued I found myself starting to get the hang of it…. then….

Miss Wednesdai dropped offline very suddenly, and never returned. I’m trying really hard not to overanalyse, but… It could simply be computer/network problems in which case we share a laugh and try again, possibly with some slightly re-written ground rules. That’s the scenario that worries me least and I really hope it’s what was actually going on. Another possibility is that I simply sucked at it. I can easily believe this one, I was struggling and I think it showed (jeez Corvan, self-doubt much?). The next possibility really concerns me. I hope it’s not the case, but I can’t get the possibility out of my head: Wednesdai freaked out at how close we were to breaking the hard limit I established right from the very start. I really hope that isn’t the case because I fear it could put our relationship at risk and I really don’t want that at all. All I know for sure right now is: Miss Wednesdai was having connection problems over the last few days; She popped out at a really bad time and did not return.

That leaves me sitting at home, wondering what I can/should do and generally worrying. At the very least, I can take the opportunity to do some inventory cleaning while I await her return.

Don't let anyone tell you that SecondLife isn't "Real"

corvan — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 04:15:00 +0000

As you can doubtless tell from looking at my blogroll, I’ve been reading a lot of blogs about SecondLife. Particularly as it relates to BDSM, but not exclusively. One of the interesting contrasts between people surrounds the question of whether or not SecondLife is “real”. I know I’ve touched on this several times in this blog but recent events have really driven the answer to that question home.

SecondLife is almost as real as RealLife. The only significant difference is entirely physical. In SecondLife we don’t need to eat, we don’t need to sleep, we don’t need to worry about injury or disease or even old age. With that sole exception, I claim that SecondLife is entirely “real”. From a mental and emotional standpoint it’s just as real as life on the other side of the keyboard. The emotions we feel are real, and that’s sort of the core piece of this entry.

My good friend Walter is going through an extremely rough patch right now to the point that he is taking a break from SecondLife until further notice. I didn’t realise it until just recently but Walter is relatively new to SecondLife as well. That’s relevant because his favorite sub is leaving SL due to RL commitments. She’ll be around from time to time (meaning once a month or less) so she’s not completely gone, but she and Walter are accustomed to spending hours every day together and have done for many weeks. To say that Walter feels devastated would be an understatement. He feels completely lost at the thought of losing her. In his mind, SecondLife is meaningless if she’s not there by his side.

I’m not a psychologist but I have a lot of experience in the psychological realm partly by training and volunteer work, partly through my own family (we have a child with substantial mental health issues). I’m not going to try to psychoanalyse Walter here, but I do have some insight into what he’s going through. Walter is grieving the loss of a relationship he had come to depend on. His feelings for his sub are both deep and real and he is struggling mightily with that loss. I’ve offered him my full support but the truth is that he needs to find his own way to move on. Life does go on after a loss and Walter will reach a point where the pain is bearable, the grief tolerable and he will get on with his life. The only question is whether he will return to SecondLife. Right now the idea of SecondLife without his sub is intolerable. That’s completely understandable and hopefully he will reach a point where it becomes tolerable. Only time and Walter can say for sure.

Meanwhile, Wednesdai’s and my feelings continue to get deeper and richer. I firmly believe that she is falling in love with me and I’m rapidly falling for her. I need to be very careful to keep SL and RL separate because my first love, my best love, my wife does and must come first. It doesn’t change the fact that I brighten up every time I see that Miss is online, whether she’s with me or not and that time spent without her is not nearly as sweet as time spent with her. She’s foremost in my thoughts when I’m online and often the last thing I think of before falling asleep. I’m nervous all the time that I might not be pleasing her and overjoyed whenever it is clear that I am. It’s intoxicating and mirrors precisely my feelings when I met my wife.

Don’t try to tell me that SecondLife isn’t real.