Corvans Creations... Musings on a Second Life » Introspection

Don’t tell me that SecondLife is just a game

corvan — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 02:04:27 +0000

A couple of things have happened over the last few days that have really driven home the fact that SecondLife is not a game. It’s a means to meet and get to know people. To become friends, to become more than friends. It’s a place where people can become intimately intertwined in each others’ lives.

The first thing that helped drive that home was Miss being hospitalized again this weekend. The bad news is that it kind of wrecked a weekend that she had been really looking forward too, seeing and playing with her Master. The good news is that she ended up at a hospital this time staffed with competent people who correctly diagnosed what was happening after the hospital where she lives had two cracks at her and was unable to. She’s in good hands, and she should recover quickly. I hated the feeling of helplessness yesterday while she was in surgery. I was getting periodic updates from her Master and that was a big help in easing my mind, but damn it, I wanted to be there for her.

We found out over the weekend that a friend from Forum, Greenleaf Whiteberry, passed away earlier this month from cancer. Greenleaf was almost a fixture at Forum. She’d been coming longer than me I’m sure, and she was always friendly, happy to see people, happy to help out. She was a gentle, funny soul and she’ll be deeply missed. I’ve know people who died in FL, and I’ve heard of people who’s names I know passing in SL. This is the first time that someone I knew personally has passed. The feelings, the impact, is exactly the same as with those I’ve known in FL. There’s no difference. Tell me again that SecondLife is just a game? I really don’t think so. The people we meet are real, the connections we make are real, the feelings we have for each other are real.

I’ll close with the one picture I have of Greenleaf. This was the first time I’d come to Forum with my Horse Avatar, and Greenleaf just had to have a Lady Godiva ride.

Ride Lady Godiva, Ride!

A tough post to write

corvan — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 06:27:09 +0000

Miss Tara does like to give me challenges. In this posting she has instructed me to write about what I mean to her, and why. Not what she means to me, but what I mean to her. For the record, I dislike these kinds of assignment because it forces me to confront the fact that I actually am a good person

So who am I to her? Well, I’m her best friend in the world. I’m her boy, her slave. I’m her confidante. Some times I’m her coach. I’m the person who’s always been there for her since very shortly after we met (well over a year ago now). I’m family.

I’m a source of both pride and frustration at times. Pride because what I do reflects on her, and when I do well, especially when it’s something she’s challenged me to do, she’s very very proud of my achievement. Frustration because I do sometimes struggle with sustaining…

I’m one of a very few people she just has to talk to every day. Usually several times a day. She’s one of the first people I talk to when I get up in the morning, and I’m one of the last people she talks to before she goes to bed each night.

But what do I mean to her? An enormous amount actually. She and I have been through a lot together, ups and downs on both sides. I’ve helped her get through some very tough things, as well as celebrated with her on some very good things. In her own words, I’m a crucial part of her life. Her life is richer because I’m in it, the fact that I’m also hers is icing on a very satisfying cake.

We laugh together, we beat the pants off each other at various games, we plot revenge on those who’ve wronged us… She’s the closest friend I’ve had in… years really. Decades maybe. Likewise, I’m the closest friend she’s had for a long time. It would be devastating to us both if something were to jeopardise our friendship, her ownership of me. As a result she’s fierce about keeping me on the straight and narrow, and keeping me sane in the face of a lot of sanity.

I’m her boy/tiger/squirrel/pony/etc. One simple word: Hers

On a side note, I deliberately disobeyed her again: Sent her flowers in the hospital. Sorry Miss. (not really (grin))

A new week, some new tasks and a new product line!

corvan — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 06:35:49 +0000

Another fairly quiet week, but in a good way. I seem to be getting my old self back at work (RL) and that has helped my mood tremendously. Miss has been a big help with that, encouraging me, smacking me when I’ve slipped up, cheering me on. I had missed a deadline at the office which didn’t have my manager terribly pleased, and Miss wasn’t pleased either. Effective immediately she’s having me include upcoming work deadlines in my weekly schedule. Her support and insistence I keep accountable has been a big part of me getting back to where I am. It will also be a big part in helping me stay here.

Meanwhile we had a plumbing emergency at home (again, RL). Our toilet blew up. Well not so much blew up as the tank cracked open causing a major leak. We haven’t called for a plumber yet though because the apartment really wasn’t fit to let the property managers in. My wife and I never have been the most neat and tidy people and honestly with all the other struggles I’ve had, keeping the place organized hasn’t been a priority. So it’s not that the place is dirty, so much as it’s very untidy. I spent a goodly portion of the weekend fixing that, and again, Miss was not terribly pleased with me that I’d let it get to this state. She’s going to make damn sure that I get it out of that state quickly, and that I don’t allow it to get back in…

On another front, I’m branching out a bit with a new product line for DC Designs: Tattoos. I’ve been playing with the Gimp lately, and at the request of a friend made some “Slave” tattoos. They came out so well that I made products out of them. There’s six different locations I made, so putting together all the combinations, that’s 63 different tattoo layers, 64 new products to create and put in the Hippo server, and 64 new products to set up on XStreet. My fingers are tired! I priced each individual at L$20, and the fatpack of all 63 for L$500. Honestly, I don’t expect anyone to buy the fatpack, though I am seriously considering changing the permissions so that they are nocopy/transfer so if you were to buy the fatpack you can share the ones you don’t want with friends. It’s generated a surprising amount of interest! I’ve sold three already, and the Midnight Mania locked for the first time in ages. I’ve also been commissioned to do a custom tattoo for someone, which completely floored me.

So.. if you have ideas for tattoos you’d like to see, send me a notecard! I can’t promise that I’ll be able to do it, I’m still learning the Gimp, and still getting used to the somewhat odd layout of the Avatar templates that SecondLife uses for skins, but if I use your idea, or if I make something inspired by your idea then you’ll get it free as a thank you gift!

Also, I’ve started a new tradition. Whenever I introduce a new product I will be sending a personal thank you, and a thank you gift: a box of all my products just for you. Fundamentally I make these things either for my own use, and then the hope that others will also find them useful; or for fun. My goal is not and never has been to make a pile of money doing this. Certainly it would be nice to reach a point where my sales income covers my SecondLife expenses, but I’m not terribly worried if I can’t achieve that. I want to make products that are fun, are useful, are delightful for the people who use them. I also want the experience of buying from me to be the same. I’ve received many compliments on my after-sales support and I really appreciate the feedback. It’s important to me that anyone who buys something from me is delighted with what they bought, and I’m happy to help out in any way I can if there’s something not quite right, or confusing, or what have you.

So, here’s my long-term pledge: I will always make time to help anyone who needs assistance with one of my products. I will always be thankful that you have chosen to spend your Lindens on something I created. I will always provide free updates for all of my products as long as I continue to update the product, no matter how old the version you have. Lastly, I am going to continue this new tradition: If you are the first purchaser of a new product I will send you a personal thank you and a gift of every product I have at that point. These will not be crippled versions, and they will be the most complete version that makes sense. So for example, my first purchaser of the Slave tattoo spent L$20 on one of the variations. The gift box I sent her had Chat Enhancer, Ultimate Titler and the fatpack of the tattoo included.

I’ll close with the product picture for the tattoo. This was created using my shiny new photo studio, my friend modeling, and some careful Gimp editing. I really like the way it turned out, and it proved to me that I’m starting to get reasonably comfortable with the Gimp!

Another week over, a new week beginning

corvan — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 06:59:31 +0000

I’m sitting here (late, but it’s been that kind of week), late because I needed to help my wife take a bath. It’s going to be a bit of a late night, not badly, but somewhat. As for my sleep cycles, it’s okay because the last few days I’ve been sleeping a lot as I get over a brief bout of the flu.

In some ways it was a very good week and in others not so great. Miss and I had some really good conversations, and played a lot of Can’t Stop and Backgammon. She’s been kicking my ass at Can’t Stop and I’ve been returning the favor at Backgammon. Thing is though, we’re getting a bit more formal in our conversations. We both noticed, well I think Miss noticed more than I did or at least brought it up sooner, that I’d been increasingly casual when we’ve been conversing. That’s changing effective immediately, and I’m noticing it’s helping. That formality is a constant reminder of who I am and who Miss is.

Meanwhile, despite my bout of the flu, I’m feeling more energized about work and about SL projects. In fact, I’m actively working on an update to Chat Enhancer now as well as a new product, Inventory Manager. Inventory Manager is my most ambitious project to date and if it works, could be very, very good, especially as things slowly transition from SecondLife to other grids.

Stuck in neutral

corvan — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 05:25:12 +0000

I seem to be just kind of floating along these days. I’m not doing a very good job of obeying my Miss’s direction, I’m not finding much fun in SL at the moment, I’m not finding much satisfaction in my work (though that does seem to be going okay).

Miss Tara asks me to identify what needs and desires I have that are not being fulfilled and I just draw a blank. I’m seriously not used to identifying my own needs. I’m all about satisfying others’ needs, I’m not really very good at satisfying my own. Hmm, come to think of it, that resonates. I’m thinking that maybe one of the sources of my struggles regarding Miss is: She doesn’t need me right now. What I mean by that is that there really isn’t anything I can do for her right now, she’s doing well in her life (barring some bumps), she’s settling in to her new place, her job is going well, and she’s got a wonderful relationship developing with her Master.

When she was in SL more, she needed me for companionship, for conversation, for playing Greedy ; that’s significantly diminished now. We do still talk regularly, near constantly, but that’s not quite the same thing. This thought isn’t fully formed, so if it seems nebulous that’s because it is, but it really does resonate for me. A big chunk of why I’m feeling out of sorts is because I’m feeling… unused, I guess would be the best word. What is there I can do for my Miss? Right now, not a lot, and that isn’t sitting well. Even the things I’m doing for myself at her direction don’t seem to really count, because that feels like it’s for me, not for her…

I know this isn’t the whole story, one of my biggest struggles as I said is identifying what I need, even what I’m feeling. For so many reasons, my needs come second most of the time, so I guess I suppress them. I am working hard to identify what it is I need that I’m not getting, whether it’s from Miss, or from my wife, or from life in general. Social interaction is definitely one of them, and Miss has ordered me to look into what I can find that I can do once a week or once every other week that would be more social for me. So far the only thing I’ve come up with, and it’s on my list already, is fishing.

No one said this would be easy, and its definitely not going to be, but I also know I need to do it. Not only because my Miss told me to, but because it’s what I need to make sure my needs are being fulfilled.

Ever have one of those weeks?

corvan — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 05:18:11 +0000

Feels like two steps forward one step back on a number of levels. Miss really wants me to be insightful in this blog, but I’m having a helluva time finding the words to write. She’s got some serious stresses in RL at the moment, I’m still working on my own stresses, and I’m finding it a surprising struggle just to do what I know I must. What I’ve been told to.

I’m trying to find the source of my struggle, but I’m not having any real luck doing so. I’ve spent well over a half hour mostly staring at this blank page, not knowing what to say that isn’t simple reportage:

Miss was in and we played some Can’t Stop and she soundly whomped me. We were bantering back and forth with our friend Joelle on Skype while she was whomping me and it was a lot of fun. No real insights to be had there though.

I guess I’ll just say that tomorrow’s another day, that I’m doing my best to obey my Miss, and doing my best to take care of myself and my family at the same time (no, that’s not implying there’s any conflict between obeying my Miss and taking care of myself or my family). We’ll see what I can craft tomorrow for a blog entry.

It’s all about control and the exercise thereof

corvan — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 04:48:35 +0000

That pretty much sums it up. We’re not physically together so Miss can’t exercise her control over me by chaining me up. We’re not in SL a lot together of late, so she can’t exercise her control over me by chaining me, or ordering me into other forms or what-have-you. So that leaves RL, and the tasks she sets for me as her primary means to exercise control.

Power Exchange, D/s, is at it’s very basic about control. Without her control, I’m not her slave. Without being able to exercise her control, she’s not my Miss. It’s just about as fundamental as that. So when I disobey, when I forget to ask permission, when I fail to give up control to her, then I’m not being true to our relationship as Miss and slave. In a sense, I’m not being her slave since I’m not giving up the control that is rightly hers.

That’s not a good thing…

The week comes to an end

corvan — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 04:56:36 +0000

Well if my reckoning is correct (and I’ll confirm it tomorrow, not tonight) this is the last of the week of blogs Miss directed me to do. It’s interesting to see how much more centered I am in my slavery to her in just that week. I guess what I needed more than anything was a reminder of who the boss is and to whom my ass belongs Struggling occasionally, making mistakes, these are all normal provided that something is learned and growth occurs. I think there’s been growth and I know Miss is proud of my progress over the week. She told me so.

In other news, I’m definitely catching the scripting bug again, and making progress. Today I wrote an entire system for the Forum which will help Gardeners make sure that newcomers get welcomed. The idea came up at yesterday’s Gardener’s meeting and I spent part of yesterday pondering, and then early this morning got started on it. We’re testing it now, but I really like how it’s turned out!

Just under the wire, but continuing the path

corvan — Sun, 27 Jun 2010 04:56:01 +0000

Today Miss was inworld for a while and it was very nice to hear her say that she too misses hanging out with me. Not that I doubted it, but having that validation was a nice surprise on top of the surprise that was seeing her log in.

I’m getting better at checking in with her too. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to blog this evening, and I’ll admit that I was sufficiently caught up in Tiny Empires that I almost missed… but the key things are: I didn’t forget, I remembered in time. When I wasn’t sure if the daily postings were still on, I asked Miss. I did figure out how I could find out on my own, and did, but I asked rather than assuming and hoping for the best.

It getting natural again I think. In part, it’s not trusting my own judgment, especially because my judgment isn’t really at issue: It’s Her’s that matters. It’s feeling better and more comfortable too. The last little while has felt strained, not as much now.

Being a little kitty cat

corvan — Sat, 26 Jun 2010 15:30:25 +0000

So I’m running around SL as a house cat… it’s very interesting. I’m getting even more “Awww… isn’t he cute!” attention than in other forms

At the same time, Miss has been coming in more often for a little while in the evening for some snuggles and some Greedy. I’ve very much been liking that, it’s letting us reconnect in ways that phone and IM just don’t quite do. At the same time, I’m getting back in the groove of implicitly knowing who my Miss is, and who’s in charge. Last night for example, I was dead tired and ready for bed at 8:00. On the one hand, that’s kind of unusual for me and I ended up sleeping nearly 11 hours. A couple of weeks ago I probably would have just gone to bed and made excuses in the morning for not blogging like I’d been told to. Last night I asked Miss if I could blog this morning instead and she allowed me to put off the blogging last night.

That’s a key difference. By letting her know where I was at, and by asking her permission I did two things. First, I gave her the control that I’m supposed to be, second I made sure she had the information needed to make the best decision for me. That is what being a submissive, a slave, is supposed to be!