The lead up to the events were a talk yesterday on being a puppy, and tomorrow on owning a puppy. Sunday there’s a puppy dance (which should be interesting).

The talk yesterday was lead by Mobius and I (well, Mobi did most of the leading). I was nervous going into the talk not sure what I was going to say, but as the talk picked up, I found I had a fair bit to talk about, mostly about how my own mindset changes when I’m in puppy form. I’d noticed this before, but hadn’t really enquired into it, nor had I realised how dramatically it shows as others at the talk commented that they really see the change come over me when I’m in the different form.

I really enjoy opportunities to explore what’s happening in my head, I find it helps a lot in helping me accept what’s happening and to also explore ways to deepen the experience. It was also very gratifying to hear that others have similar experiences. Mobi and a few others echoed my sentiment that things become much simpler and there are fewer worries when being a puppy. All you’re concerned with is being happy, making your owner happy, and occasionally, chasing cats.

Related posts:

1. Puppy Success!!
2. Forum’s 3rd annual pony event is now done
3. Forum’s second pony event started today!

Miss Tara shared an amazing quote with me the other day:

“A slave is a man or woman who has a special heart – a heart that requires a connection with another person in order to find completeness in their life.  A person is born with a slave heart – he cannot be ‘made’ into a slave, nor can wishing to be one bring it about. It is a natural state.  A slave may actualize their destiny by choosing to live in obedience to another person’s will and to serve that person – their Master or Mistress – in obedience. Most slaves are very bright and capable, and they may make many decisions every day affecting other people, large sums of money, important projects and so on. But slaves generally do not make decisions easily or well that concern themselves, and that is one of the reasons they seek a Master – to form that point of centered-ness form which to live their lives.”
- Protocol Handbook for the Leather Slave: Theory and Practice, by Robert J. Rubel, PhD

The latter part of that quote really struck me. It describes me thoroughly. I’m great at looking after other people, definitely good at making important decisions about others, and really not good at making decisions for myself. I never would have considered myself as a slave at heart. A submissive, a bottom, certainly. A slave, seriously? But the more I think about it, the more I realise that this what I crave: relief from the responsibilities of daily life, which frankly are crushing at times, if only for the time I’m in SL.

Miss Tara made a similar breakthrough recently with her own Master. It caught her as by surprise as it has taken me. So now we have a slave who owns a slave… With her permission:

[2010-01-01 11:28:45]  Corvan Nansen: Will you accept me in my slave nature, given RL, and all the rest? Is that going to be workable for you, to own me much as Hrolf owns you?
[2010-01-01 11:29:12]  Tara Reardon: Absolutely.  There’s no doubt in my mind.
[2010-01-01 11:29:31]  Tara Reardon: Whatever predefined labels people put on us are useless.  We are what we are.
[2010-01-01 11:29:49]  Corvan Nansen: I’m not the sub I thought I was, I knew it ran deep, but the depth is turning out far _far deeper than I’d ever imagined. It scares me a little at times.
[2010-01-01 11:29:54]  Tara Reardon: Master SAID you could be mine.  Therefore, I have the right and responsibility to own you, outright.
[2010-01-01 11:30:10]  Tara Reardon: Don’t let it scare you, if you can help it.
[2010-01-01 11:30:13]  Tara Reardon: Succumb to it.
[2010-01-01 11:30:22]  Tara Reardon: Be what you are, mine.  I don’t only ask that of you, I demand it.
[2010-01-01 11:31:08]  Corvan Nansen: With you to catch me when I fall, with you holding gently yet firmly to my leash, I can. I definitely can.
[2010-01-01 11:31:17]  Corvan Nansen: I am yours
[2010-01-01 11:31:36]  Tara Reardon: I’m going to be there, every step of the way.
[2010-01-01 11:31:41]  Tara Reardon: Mine.
[2010-01-01 11:31:48]  Tara Reardon: Let me ask you a serious question.
[2010-01-01 11:31:52]  Corvan Nansen: Anything
[2010-01-01 11:32:04]  Tara Reardon: Can you get what you need from a slave?
[2010-01-01 11:32:23]  Corvan Nansen: May I rephrase that question slightly, Miss?
[2010-01-01 11:32:45]  Tara Reardon: Yes.
[2010-01-01 11:33:10]  Corvan Nansen: Given “[11:29:31]  Tara Reardon: Whatever predefined labels people put on us are useless.  We are what we are.” I would rephrase that as: Can I get what I need from you?
[2010-01-01 11:33:32]  Corvan Nansen: Unquestionably, undeniably, absolutely: Yes. Because I already do.

There is no question in my mind, there is no doubt. I am Tara Reardon’s slave. It’s been a long journey arriving at this point, and it’s a nice coincidence that I really and truly arrive here on the eve of my first Rez Day in SecondLife. I can’t wait to see where my second year takes me, but there is one thing I know: It takes me where Miss Tara leads me, and I couldn’t be happier.

Related posts:

1. On life in SecondLife…
2. Where is that line anyway?
3. A rough day RL, a sweet day SL

Miss deka ordered me into pony tack a little while ago and instructed me that though I can change what tack I’m wearing, I’m to remain in tack until she tells me otherwise. Naturally I was happy to comply, it didn’t strike me until yesterday evening just how much. This is the longest I’ve been continuously in tack since I was at FFF full-time. As those who’ve read my blog will know, I have a multitude of forms, and often get antsy if I’m in once form for too long. That’s not the case now. I am perfectly content as a pony. Miss deka could tell me tomorrow that except for special occasions, I’m a pony permanently and I would have no complaints. I’d still want to be yakar from time to time, if only for the snuggles and hunting, but other than that, pony is me.

I’ve been pondering the nature of submission a fair bit lately. A very close friend of mine realised recently that her true nature was more as a consensual slave than as a submissive. At the time, that resonated for me, and I felt that this did a decent job of describing me as well. In some ways it still does, but in the context of being a pony. A pony doesn’t concern himself with much, other than to do as his trainers/owner are requesting. A pony is content to stand, hitched to a cart, waiting for his driver to be ready. Listening to the swirl of conversation around him but not necessarily paying it any mind, or necessarily participating. Or not, a pony is also free to be involved within the limits that the tack imposes.

I’ve almost forgotten what it is like to speak normally in SL. I’m always wearing my bit, I’m often wearing my blinders which seriously restrict my vision and my ability to touch. I just feel surrounded by comfort. The difference in how I feel when the blinders are on compared to when they are off is remarkable. As the days go by I’m slipping deeper and deeper into what I’m calling “pony-space”. Like sub-space, but different. I’m reacting to people less as a person would and more like a horse would. I spent about 4 hours yesterday just standing hitched to my sleigh at Forum, not a care in the world. Lots was going on around me, and I was involved, but involved as a pony, not as a person wearing pony tack.

I have to admit I’m a little vain as a pony, I’ve been Christmassing (oops, languaging again) myself up. My tack is all coloured Green, I’m wearing a deep red catsuit and my hooves are also red with green highlights. My plume has been replaced by reindeer antlers with twinkling lights. I’ve got a nose ring that’s a wreath with matching wreaths on my nipples. A bright shiny red Rudolph nose completes it. When I’m pulling the sleigh I’ve got jingle bells ringing. I’m happy as a clam… well, as a pony.

Pictures soon, I promise.

Related posts:

1. Forum’s 3rd annual pony event is now done
2. Forum’s second pony event started today!
3. Diving into pony life full time…

Miss deka and I got a chance to chat a bit just before I had to go to bed, we’re both missing each other tremendously and as of yesterday it’s been three weeks since Miss collared me. I was off by a week on Saturday. Saturday was two weeks since she first actually put her collar on me, yesterday was three weeks since my trial started. Miss has renamed my latex doll form to DN-01, the 01 designating 1 month that I’ve worn her collar.

Today will be much of the same with the main difference being that I’ll be in pony form for the next few days. I’ll probably be popping back and forth between FFF and the Forum to see if I can get some quality training time in. Meanwhile Miss is going to see if there is some way she can get SL installed on the one computer where she is. It’s an older machine so may not work terribly well, but at least it will give us an opportunity to be together for a little while.

Related posts:

1. A quiet evening at the Forum
2. A fun few days
3. A quiet Monday

Then I found out later this morning that there are experiments going on right now with using SecondLife as a mechanism for helping Asperger’s Syndrome patients learn new coping mechanisms in a safe and controlled way. I find that fascinating. I hadn’t thought of SL as a way to learn new ways to cope with situations that are uncomfortable or threatening but it makes a lot of sense to me. The big difference between these experiments and my friend is that she’s not doing this under the care of a clinician. She’s essentially self-medicating. That’s very common, and often not terribly successful. With significant mental health issues one rarely has the ability to objectively evaluate whether or not the active treatment regime is being successful or not.

In her case, she’s finding conflict between her SL relationships and her RL relationship. Her RL partner is also in SL and there is conflict between them over other relationships they both have within SL. She came to me for advice. Sigh. Like I’m the best person in the world to offer relationship advice. Well, I can talk a good game, and know some good questions to ask, lines of inquiry to follow. My best advise to her was to get everything out and in the open so that the two of them can look at where the fears are, and how they both can work together to allay them. I also strongly urged her to seek therapy RL and couples therapy RL. I’m not a therapist, don’t pretend to be one, but there’s clearly things they need to work out and a good therapist can really help them out I think.

Which leads me to my real question here, why am I such a magnet for lost puppies? This makes at least five different people in SL who have come to me for deep, damn near clinical advise or who have sought my assistance with major RL or SL issues. I’m always there to help out a friend in need, and to help ease the pain of someone in need, but it’s curious to me that I seem draw this out in people. It’s not limited to SL either, this has been a pattern most of my life. I wonder what aspect of my personality draws this out in people.

Oh, one thing I found very interesting in talking with my friend, and something I suspect may run to the core of her partner’s concerns: My friend views SL as just a game. It’s all just make-believe and nothing is really serious. I didn’t seriously challenge that, but I know for myself, SL is emphatically not just a game. The way I present myself in SL is the way I would be if the things going on where happening in RL. If you were to meet me in RL, just sitting around at a coffee shop chatting with friends you’d almost certainly recognize me as the same person sitting around the circle at the Forum chatting. I’ve commented before, SL has a reality for me, the actions of my SL avatar represent me, not some fictional character I have created. I wonder if the same is true for my friend’s partner whereas it really isn’t true for her…

Related posts:

1. Don’t tell me that SecondLife is just a game
2. Don't let anyone tell you that SecondLife isn't "Real"
3. Day 10: Life is sweet and an amazing quote

You see, something has changed in me. It might be permanent, it might only be for a time, but there has been a definite change. As I was driving to work this morning I was playing in my head how I expect that interview to go; what sort of questions she’s likely to ask me; what my answers are. I want to be prepared going into that interview. I want to be able to give well considered answers for any question she might throw my way.

One of the obvious first questions stopped me cold when I really started considering it. Not so much because of what my answer is, but more how it’s kind of the wrong question. The question is this: Why do I want to be a pony? It’s the wrong question. The right question, I realised this morning, is: Why are you a pony?

This is much different from when I was a tiger, then I was playing at being a tiger. Don’t get me wrong it was a lot of fun playing at being a tiger, but it never really resonated for me the way being a pony is resonating right now. I was practicing on the steeples and I was determined to make a no fault run somehow. All of my actions and reactions to how I was doing were pony reactions and it felt totally natural.

So why am I a pony? The simple yet honest answer for the moment is “I don’t know”. I’ve seen lots of human pony pictures, and read pony stories for years (aside: the internet has done more for allowing people to realise their fantasies than anything else on the face of the earth, bar none). I’ve been intrigued by pony play for quite some time but I never imagined that it would be so engrossing, so completely overwhelming. In order to teleport reliably, I’m finding that I need to strip off a fair piece of gear and the more I strip off the more uncomfortable I’m finding myself.

Why is it so comfortable, natural even, being a pony? I’ve been around horses my whole life, mostly from a distance unfortunately, but growing up in Calgary you cannot help but see horses almost every day. I realised that one reason I gravitated to the steeple course right off the bat was due to having one of the world’s premier show jumping facilities, Spruce Meadows, just outside the city. It’s very hard not to be familiar with show jumping living in Calgary. The Calgary Stampede is another avenue, I worked for three years at the race track surrounded by standard-breds, thoroughbreds and of course rodeo quarter horses. So there’s definitely a familiarity and admiration for these majestic beasts, but that still hasn’t come close to answering the question: Why does being a pony fit so well?

There are, of course some, obvious things that attract me to it. All the restrictive gear is like candy to a bondage slut like me. The heavily trust-based relationship between pony and trainer is also an obvious attraction point. Jaydana mentioned something about blindfold pony cart training. I’ve heard of that before, the idea is that the pony is completely blinded and only has the driver’s signals to tell him where and how to go. The thought sends a chill up my spine. The level of trust and of being inside each others’ heads that would be required to really make that work is breathtaking… and totally compelling. There’s the question of roles, when I was with Wednesdai it sometimes wasn’t 100% clear what my role was because we’d never really concretely defined it. That was fine, there wasn’t a need to, but being a pony is a clearly defined role and being a trainer is also a clearly defined role and how the two relate to each other is well defined too. That clear definition of roles is very attractive to me right now. It gets to the question of ‘order’ discussed previously.

But does that any of that really speak to why I’m beginning to seriously self-identify as a pony? It seems far to simplistic and far too shallow to account for the depth of what I was feeling last night when Kittanya was gentling me to her. It’s all well and good to say that it’s all role-play and I won’t deny that it is indeed role-play, but there’s a depth here that feels like it goes beyond that. Just like when I was first collared by Wednesdai, there was a depth to being her sub that I’d never encountered before in or out of SL. This feels very much the same, and it gives me pause. The fact that Wednesdai and I are no longer together has nothing really to do with whether or not I’m a sub (it raises the question of whether I’m a ‘good’ sub or not, but that’s a whole different question).

Whether Button accepts me into FFF or not, there have been changes here and I have to pursue them. I have to follow this trail to see where it leads me because it’s reaching very deep within me in ways I never, ever expected. Wednesdai introduced me to pony play and it was a lot of fun and quite intriguing. Aiden taught me some of the basics and helped to show me where the pony mindset is. Both of these wonderful ladies have brought me here to this next chapter. I can’t wait to see where this all lead because right now it feels like it leads somewhere wondrous.

Related posts:

1. On Toxic People and other random thoughts
2. Some thoughts after re-reading my entire blog
3. Sometimes life is just good, you know?

One exception is Chastity Belts. When we met I was wearing a chastity belt most days (and nights of course). That eventually fell away and there’s been some sporadic use since then (that belt doesn’t fit anymore anyway). We’ve been talking about it again recently and I’m awaiting delivery of a device for us to play with, possibly to move up to a proper steel belt in the future.

Sexually, I’m strictly heterosexual. I’m by no means homophobic, I’ve worked with openly gay men since, geez I can’t remember it’s been that long.

It’s curious to me that given how my avatar is evolving (and more on that later), I’m suddenly wondering…. (where the hell is that pool of Narcissus’?), would RL me have sex with SL me? And I have to answer… maybe… certainly I find SL me physically attractive, which is also interesting. It’s not the “Hell no” I expected.

You see class? You can learn all kinds of things about yourself here!

Besides, it’s not like I’m actually going to have sex in SL. Ever. I don’t care what some people say, it would be dishonest and would be unfaithful to my RL wife. Not gonna happen. Not ever. I have a chastity belt inworld and it does _not_ get removed except in private when I’ve got to adjust something. Even then, I haven’t found any need to remove it to adjust something I just bought. Likewise I’m going to be very careful about the depth of relationships I form in SL. I’m not really into the whole subservient scene, licking the feet of my Mistress doesn’t really float my boat. Having a conversation with a woman who’s sitting on a chair having just chained me solidly to a pole, that does get me going… Different strokes for different folks. Besides, I need the relationships I form in SL to be casual, acquaintances, friendships. Nothing deeper than that or I feel I’m crossing the line that I simply will not cross.

Wait there’s more…

The whole issue of males playing females. Boy there’s been a lot of consternation with that one. A thought occurs, how much comes down to homophobia? Not saying that a lot does, but the question just popped up and I went “Hmmm….” Seriously though, I think it’s been done to death and frankly who the hell cares? There’s a post on Veronique’s blog (actually there are three that are on point: this, this and this) which really drove it home to me. I’d started to buy into the whole “You’re being deceptive” thing… until I read that post. As you can probably tell by how this blog has evolved in a very short period of time, I’ve started getting really reflective about what I’m doing and by extension what other people are doing. I think my attitude is best summed up as Live and Let Live. I really don’t care what you’ve got between your legs in RL, for that matter I’m not as worked up over what’s in your boxers in SL either. You’re not going to be using that on me, and I’m not going to be using mine on you.

Of course my Chastity Belt has a built in butt plug and vibrator… and currently I always have it set to “Chaste” meaning that if things do get too heated I get a quick electric shock to cool things off… I’m going to skate up to the edge of that damn line, aren’t I…

For that matter, given what I’m starting to learn about my own sexuality who knows where I’ll end up. I do know that my current avatar is definitely male, but also definitely as androgynous as I could make him. Something about the look drew me. He’s very pretty, but clearly male (at least I think so, if you meet me, please give me
your thoughts). I guess given what I wrote above it would be safe to say “male, androgynous asexual” since there won’t be any sexual touching on my part on anyone. Aside: There, that’s how I stay on the right side of that line, no sexual touching. Does someone turning on the butt-plug in my belt so I come close to orgasm count? Damn.

Related posts:

1. Some play, some mistakes, some friends. Welcome to SecondLife!
2. On being sub to a switch, or sometimes you feel caught…

Let’s talk about about RL. Bare essentials first, I’m a middle aged man, a software engineer (no surprise there, eh?) with a wife and two kids. That’s the simple part. After that it starts getting more complicated.

At the risk of outing myself, let’s just say that I’m overseas with my family for an extended period with work. While here, my wife suffered a major stroke and one of my kids is becoming seriously self-destructive. If that’s enough for you to identify me then please, let me know and then keep it to yourself. If you’ve caught me out then you know that I’ve got enough troubles in RL to add more. Besides, in my case SL is meant to help me have more mental energy for the RL challenges, not make things worse…

My wife is recovering very well, although there is an enormous journey ahead of us and it’s going to take a very long time. Our kid seems to be pulling it back together and we don’t think there’s any real major long term risk.

Me? Well, I’m the one that needs to coordinate everything. And I’m the sole bread-winner and there’s very little opportunity for rest for me and … and … and … and we’re all struggling. Things are improving, she is making really good progress but there’s a long way to go and guess who gets to handle all the return preparation when the time comes? (that’s enough whining there they get the point)

I’m normally a fairly introverted person. There are flashes here and there of more public confidence but not too much. Interesting that after all that exposition, and the exposition to come, when it comes to describing myself I’m faltering. Wonder what that’s all about. I can talk about self reflection like crazy but can’t actually do it? More likely, there are areas where I can pontificate endlessly about myself and there are areas where I’m not so sure and haven’t gone down that path too deeply yet. That seems a tad more likely.

Related posts:

1. On life in SecondLife…
2. Stuck in neutral
3. Ever have one of those weeks and not really realise it?

Now we can spend an enormous amount of time and energy and gnashing of teeth analysing and re-analysing the whys and wherefores, but why bother. This blog is not meant to be a rant on shallow assholes, though I’m sure there will be occasions… It’s meant to be where I reflect on what’s going on. What surprising me is how much is actually going on, at least for me. Not you? No sweat. No, I don’t wanna fuck, but please have a fun day.

Related posts:

1. Day 10: Life is sweet and an amazing quote

Who are you?
Who do you choose to be?

Who are you?
How does your outward appearance (as chosen by you) and your behavior (again as chosen by you) convey your personality and identity?

Who are you?
What in your RealLife history and circumstances guide the choices you make within SecondLife.

I’m realizing right now that these aren’t trite or even easy questions. I’m going to take a stab at answering them in as much as I’m only 9 days old, the overall answer I can give right now is… I don’t know, and isn’t that interesting and exciting. I’m realizing that SecondLife is much more that merely an immersive role-playing game. Oh don’t get me wrong, it’s definitely that, but it’s also an opportunity to really explore who we are, who we want to be and why. it’s the ‘why’ part that has me dazzled right now. I can really look at why I am the way I am from a fresh perspective and perhaps take what I’m learning about myself in SL and bring aspects of it out to RL. Wow!

Related posts:

1. Where is that line you’re not supposed to cross again?
2. On life in SecondLife…
3. Time to start the deep thoughts again…