Corvans Creations... Musings on a Second Life » Family

A fun ending to the week (or beginning depending on how you count it)

corvan — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 06:16:55 +0000

Today marked Miss Tara’s Master’s fourth anniversary with his first sub. We had a party at my place, I set up the dance floor, booth, etc. and had great fun DJing again. It’s been too long since I DJed. Time to resurrect the Wednesday Hump Day parties I think. It did get me thinking a bit, it’s now over a year since Miss Tara became my protector, and a little over five months since she put her collar on me for good. Our relationship has evolved in that time, but never wavered. I’m as much hers now as I was the day she locked her collar around my neck.

Will be celebrating our fourth anniversary? I don’t see why not, something serious would have to occur for that not to happen.

Meanwhile, Miss is back home and getting ready to return to work tomorrow. Her recovery is going well which is a huge relief.

As for me, I’m making some progress on my new Inventory Management system, and work is shaping up. All in all things are going pretty well.

Let’s not have another week like this one, ‘kay?

corvan — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 06:59:37 +0000

The end result was very very good, but getting there was agonizing.

I think I blogged earlier this year about my step-daughter and that she’d run away from home. We’ve got CPS involved, we’ve got Juvenile Probation involved, and we’ve been playing a waiting game. The assumption has always been that in time she would get picked up by the police again and then she’d be in custody and plans could start being made and executed to get her, and really, the whole family, the help we all need to do some serious healing.

We’d found out that she was living with her boyfriend, who she said was 25. I should mention that she’s just turned 16 in the last couple of months. So that news was greeted with seriously mixed feelings. She has been reaching out to people, and had started talking with her mom again, which was a very good sign. Then, last week she said that she was coming down to our area to visit. She wouldn’t come near if I was here, but she desperately wanted to visit her mom.

Suddenly we have an opportunity to both see how she’s doing, and perhaps to get her into custody before she ran again. That started what turned out to be a week long vigil on my part waiting, hoping, fretting that she wasn’t going to turn up. I stayed home from work, As far as just about anyone was concerned, I was not at home, and we waited. And waited. And waited some more.

Finally on Friday, just when I’d reached the point of giving up, she knocks on the door. I scoot into the back room so she doesn’t know I’m there and dial 911 as my wife lets her in and the talk. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I could hear them and could hear the emotion in both their voices. She’s missed her baby girl something awful. This ordeal has been extraordinarily rough on her. That’s not to say it’s been easy for me, but I lost her around puberty when she decided I was an asshole and that she hated me.

The police arrived, and she’s now safe, fed, clean, with a roof over her head, and a hearing coming up tomorrow. The first of many as the court system and Family Services figure out the best course from here. She’s still a major flight risk, she’s proven several times that even if she promises she won’t run, the first opportunity she has, she will. She needs some serious detoxing, substance abuse treatment, and some serious assistance with working through her feelings about what happened to her mom while we were in India, and everything that followed.

She’s going to be mad at her mom for a while thinking she betrayed her. She’s going to be mad a me for a long time I think for a variety of reasons, some real, some not. What we’re holding on to is: Given the choice between her being happy with us but having a short, unhappy life or hating us for a long, long, happy life; we’ll take the latter. I’m sure some day she and her mom will reconcile. I hope some day she and I will, though I suspect that if it happens it will be years from now.

I’m just glad that our little girl is safe and sound.

Don’t tell me that SecondLife is just a game

corvan — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 02:04:27 +0000

A couple of things have happened over the last few days that have really driven home the fact that SecondLife is not a game. It’s a means to meet and get to know people. To become friends, to become more than friends. It’s a place where people can become intimately intertwined in each others’ lives.

The first thing that helped drive that home was Miss being hospitalized again this weekend. The bad news is that it kind of wrecked a weekend that she had been really looking forward too, seeing and playing with her Master. The good news is that she ended up at a hospital this time staffed with competent people who correctly diagnosed what was happening after the hospital where she lives had two cracks at her and was unable to. She’s in good hands, and she should recover quickly. I hated the feeling of helplessness yesterday while she was in surgery. I was getting periodic updates from her Master and that was a big help in easing my mind, but damn it, I wanted to be there for her.

We found out over the weekend that a friend from Forum, Greenleaf Whiteberry, passed away earlier this month from cancer. Greenleaf was almost a fixture at Forum. She’d been coming longer than me I’m sure, and she was always friendly, happy to see people, happy to help out. She was a gentle, funny soul and she’ll be deeply missed. I’ve know people who died in FL, and I’ve heard of people who’s names I know passing in SL. This is the first time that someone I knew personally has passed. The feelings, the impact, is exactly the same as with those I’ve known in FL. There’s no difference. Tell me again that SecondLife is just a game? I really don’t think so. The people we meet are real, the connections we make are real, the feelings we have for each other are real.

I’ll close with the one picture I have of Greenleaf. This was the first time I’d come to Forum with my Horse Avatar, and Greenleaf just had to have a Lady Godiva ride.

Ride Lady Godiva, Ride!

A new week, some new tasks and a new product line!

corvan — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 06:35:49 +0000

Another fairly quiet week, but in a good way. I seem to be getting my old self back at work (RL) and that has helped my mood tremendously. Miss has been a big help with that, encouraging me, smacking me when I’ve slipped up, cheering me on. I had missed a deadline at the office which didn’t have my manager terribly pleased, and Miss wasn’t pleased either. Effective immediately she’s having me include upcoming work deadlines in my weekly schedule. Her support and insistence I keep accountable has been a big part of me getting back to where I am. It will also be a big part in helping me stay here.

Meanwhile we had a plumbing emergency at home (again, RL). Our toilet blew up. Well not so much blew up as the tank cracked open causing a major leak. We haven’t called for a plumber yet though because the apartment really wasn’t fit to let the property managers in. My wife and I never have been the most neat and tidy people and honestly with all the other struggles I’ve had, keeping the place organized hasn’t been a priority. So it’s not that the place is dirty, so much as it’s very untidy. I spent a goodly portion of the weekend fixing that, and again, Miss was not terribly pleased with me that I’d let it get to this state. She’s going to make damn sure that I get it out of that state quickly, and that I don’t allow it to get back in…

On another front, I’m branching out a bit with a new product line for DC Designs: Tattoos. I’ve been playing with the Gimp lately, and at the request of a friend made some “Slave” tattoos. They came out so well that I made products out of them. There’s six different locations I made, so putting together all the combinations, that’s 63 different tattoo layers, 64 new products to create and put in the Hippo server, and 64 new products to set up on XStreet. My fingers are tired! I priced each individual at L$20, and the fatpack of all 63 for L$500. Honestly, I don’t expect anyone to buy the fatpack, though I am seriously considering changing the permissions so that they are nocopy/transfer so if you were to buy the fatpack you can share the ones you don’t want with friends. It’s generated a surprising amount of interest! I’ve sold three already, and the Midnight Mania locked for the first time in ages. I’ve also been commissioned to do a custom tattoo for someone, which completely floored me.

So.. if you have ideas for tattoos you’d like to see, send me a notecard! I can’t promise that I’ll be able to do it, I’m still learning the Gimp, and still getting used to the somewhat odd layout of the Avatar templates that SecondLife uses for skins, but if I use your idea, or if I make something inspired by your idea then you’ll get it free as a thank you gift!

Also, I’ve started a new tradition. Whenever I introduce a new product I will be sending a personal thank you, and a thank you gift: a box of all my products just for you. Fundamentally I make these things either for my own use, and then the hope that others will also find them useful; or for fun. My goal is not and never has been to make a pile of money doing this. Certainly it would be nice to reach a point where my sales income covers my SecondLife expenses, but I’m not terribly worried if I can’t achieve that. I want to make products that are fun, are useful, are delightful for the people who use them. I also want the experience of buying from me to be the same. I’ve received many compliments on my after-sales support and I really appreciate the feedback. It’s important to me that anyone who buys something from me is delighted with what they bought, and I’m happy to help out in any way I can if there’s something not quite right, or confusing, or what have you.

So, here’s my long-term pledge: I will always make time to help anyone who needs assistance with one of my products. I will always be thankful that you have chosen to spend your Lindens on something I created. I will always provide free updates for all of my products as long as I continue to update the product, no matter how old the version you have. Lastly, I am going to continue this new tradition: If you are the first purchaser of a new product I will send you a personal thank you and a gift of every product I have at that point. These will not be crippled versions, and they will be the most complete version that makes sense. So for example, my first purchaser of the Slave tattoo spent L$20 on one of the variations. The gift box I sent her had Chat Enhancer, Ultimate Titler and the fatpack of the tattoo included.

I’ll close with the product picture for the tattoo. This was created using my shiny new photo studio, my friend modeling, and some careful Gimp editing. I really like the way it turned out, and it proved to me that I’m starting to get reasonably comfortable with the Gimp!

Punctuality

corvan — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 04:40:39 +0000

It’s 9:30, on the dot. I’m doing my best to keep my word to my Miss, and to do so consistently. We had a long talk this morning about the fact that I was late getting my posting for the day done. Miss was not pleased. As a consequence, I’ll be banned from SL tomorrow evening and I have a writing assignment, and then I’m to do things that I wouldn’t normally do if I were in SL all evening.

Miss brought me up short this morning when she asked my how futzing with my server (which is what caused me to miss my deadline) was more important than obeying her… The pat answer would have been “It’s not Miss”, the honest answer was “It should have been”. One of the things we talked about was consistency, how I go great guns at first with things, but then once the novelty wears off, so do I. By way of explanation (and excuse), it’s one of the effects of ADHD. Anything new is “Ooo, shiny!” but then the next shiny thing distracts just as quickly. Managing that has been a lifelong task, and though I’m a whole lot better than I was when I was initially diagnosed at age 6, I’ve still got progress to make. Fortunately Miss Tara is going to be helping to push and prod me along the path.

The other thing she’s going to be seriously working with me on is regaining access to my feelings. I think I mentioned this last night, but we talked some more about it today. The more and better I’m able to access my feelings, the stronger I’ll be at managing the stresses of daily life, and that’s all good. It’s part of taking care of my Miss’s property, and providing her with access more fully to her property.

Finally, an update on my wayward step-daughter. We’ve learned that as recently as a week ago she was okay. Still missing, still refusing to come back in, but reasonably healthy and happy at least. That’s some good news…

Missed another posting last night

corvan — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 03:43:23 +0000

The question is, why? I had my usual reminder last night, and at that moment I was in the middle of… something, so I dismissed the reminder, finished what I was doing and promptly forgot all about blogging. What’s worse was earlier in the evening I reminded myself that I needed to blog and I had no idea what I was going to write about. I know that if I have to, I can simply write an entry that reads “I blogged this evening”. Miss has given me permission to do that whenever necessary.

There’s no question that life has taken a turn for the chaotic this week, my step-daughter has run away again and in spite of my stiff-upper-lippedness, I think it’s affecting me more than I’m willing to admit. She’s out on the street again, who knows where. The last time she ran, she was in southern California by this time so who knows where she is. Everyone assures us that she’ll get picked up before too long, she’s in the system so positive identification will be easy, and there’s a protective order and warrant out for her so she’ll be brought back in protective custody and kept there until there’s a determination on what the best course of action is. I’m still feeling like a failed parent though despite the fact that there was absolutely nothing we did or could have done that lead to this latest run. It’s still got me wanting to crawl into a hole a little bit.

I’m also feeling a little guilty I think. I have an alt that I use mostly for Tiny Empires and script debugging, but recently I locked her down in full bane mode (bane plus even). Miss Tara and I spoke about it briefly, and she gave me permission to use my alt for bondage purposes. That’s fine, but on reflection I realised that what I really wanted was Miss to lock me down like that. Full bane, long timer, with punishment triggers. I did ask her about it today and she said she would definitely put me in that some time soon. It’s not easy for me to ask for what I want. It’s not easy for me to say “Hey, this is something I need”. This is an issue in all facets of my life, I’m always the one who sets aside my needs for the needs of another. I do this in spite of the fact that Miss tells me over and over that it’s always okay to say “I’d like X” or “I need Y”. She’ll decide when or if, but she needs to know what I need or how I’m doing. Yet I feel guilty when I do, and I feel like I’m being a bad slave when I don’t.

This comes out in my near obsession with not Topping From The Bottom. I’m constantly worried that Miss will feel that I’m manipulating her to get what I want/need, and it’s the last thing I want. I want nothing more than to be a good slave for her, and I know she wants to be a good Miss for me. We both can’t do that if I’m constantly, still, second guessing myself the way I am. I’m really good at beating myself up, I’m surprising myself at how good I am at it still, in spite of how much progress I’ve made over the years. Miss came into SL this evening, and because I didn’t blog yesterday, we’re not able to spend as much time together because I’m here writing this instead. Not like we haven’t had tons of time together lately. So more opportunity to beat myself up.

Which leads to a whole new thought. My old modus operandi was self-sabotage. I have been the world’s greatest expert at succeeding in spite of myself, but only just barely, and only in a manner that allows me to beat myself up in the process. I know that I’ve fallen into that pattern to a degree at work, and yes, I’m doing much better with it now, though I’ve still got a ways to go. I wonder if I’m falling into that pattern with Miss? Am I sabotaging myself again? It may well be, and if so it means I’ve got further to go than I thought I had all these years. It does speak to how important being owned by Miss is to me, I only used to sabotage myself when it was really important to me. Being my Miss’s slave is really important to me.

So what does all this mean? It means I need to give myself a break. It means I need to surrender to Miss’s will. It means when I have something to do that my Miss requires of me, it needs to be my top priority. No excuses, no nonsense, no self-sabotage. The only way this works is if I do what my Miss requires, and make sure she knows what’s going on with me, what I need and desire, she needs to know me. More than she already does, and she does, more than any person in the world save one. I’m working on it my Miss, I truly am.

Ever have one of those weeks and not really realise it?

corvan — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 16:47:38 +0000

It’s been a bit of a rough week or so, and what is interesting to me is the degree to which I didn’t realise it, but Miss Tara did.

Work has been piling up a bit, not too badly, but more than I’d like. The situation with my step-daughter continues to evolve and we’re still not sure how it’s all going to end up. In conjunction with that, my wife and I, her mom and our step-daughter were interviewed a little while ago for a report for the court. In my mother-in-law’s interview she made statements about how the kids “Lived in squalor”, were forced to “Scrounge for food” and that she believed my wife and I were current substance abusers. I’ll freely admit that I’m addicted to cigarettes. Other than that, I haven’t used any recreational drug other than alcohol in…… um….. 20 years? More? My wife drinks extremely rarely, like maybe three drinks a year. Yes, I said year. I have maybe one per month. But substance abusers? Please.

What I hadn’t realised was just how much this was impacting me again. Miss Tara called me yesterday to talk about it, because she was seeing the beginnings of the kind of spiral I got myself in towards the end of last year. She also noticed that my recent blog entries have been more “Hey, we had a party!” than “Hmm, here’s some interesting insight into my journey”. Again, something I hadn’t noticed, but it was telling I think.

I haven’t been doing all that great the last week or so. I’ve been worrying a fair bit about everything that’s going on, got a fresh one today, there seems to be something going on with my wife’s vision. She’s been having difficulty reading, and I noticed last night that her pupils are uneven. I sent a note to her neurologist and we’re waiting to hear back. If I don’t hear anything today, I’m calling the advise line tomorrow.

Does this mean I’m spiraling back into severe depression? No, I don’t think it does. It means I could, but thanks to my Miss, we’ve caught it early enough to do something effective about it.

We had a long talk about what’s going on, and stuff, yesterday and at one point Miss asked me (in reference to the nonsense going on with my mother-in-law), “What do you have control over?” My first reply was “myself”, but I then quickly said “No, wait, you have control over that” and we both laughed. She really does look out for me, and pushes me hard when I need it to, in her words, “take proper care of my property”. The comfort and peace I get from knowing that she’s there, that she’s got my back, is intensely powerful. She tells me every day how proud she is of me, and how happy I make her. I often lose the words to express how much it means to me being hers, knowing that no matter what, she’s there to prop me up when I need it, kick my ass when I need it, and of course, the converse is true as well, I’m there for her in whatever manner or form she needs me to be.

Today marks two weeks since she put her permanent collar on me. There’s nothing other than an errant bus I can think of that will ever change that. I know I’ve expressed similar things about my previous Owners, but this has a finality, and a reality that none of them had. I do miss my Miss in-world while she’s been getting up to speed with her new job, and moving. I don’t miss my Miss though if that makes sense. She’s with me always, and we talk whether by IM or my phone several times a day, every day, without fail. She may be absent from SecondLife for a little while (but not for long!), but she’s not absent from my life by any stretch. It sounds cliche, but it’s true: I’m the luckiest slave alive.

When life gives you a serious kick in the ass

corvan — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 13:24:24 +0000

I’m not even sure if that’s the right way to put it either. I’m feeling thoroughly overwhelmed by life (RL), especially work which is piled up and I’m seriously stuck. I just can’t get into a consistent roll with the project I’ve got. Oh yeah, and I’m supposed to have it done, reviewed and checked in my end of day Tuesday. Highly unlikely at this point.

I’m just feeling completely out of sorts. I know that it’s not an accurate perception, but it feels like nothing is going right at the moment. Oddly, the least of it is that Miss deka hasn’t been able to be around much the last week. No, I’m not going off the deep end like last time, I know she’s fine and we’re fine, I just miss Her.

Things are going reasonably well with my wife and I, there’s some stuff we’re struggling with of course, but nothing earth shaking. Her surgery is on Wednesday and we’re both really looking forward to her getting her head put back together again. There’s a few ways I feel like I’m letting her down though, details aren’t important, but I’m not thrilled with how I’m doing with her right now.

My daughter’s back in the hospital, been there almost 10 days now. This time she’s making death threats against me. We’ve got some insight into where she’s at, but that hasn’t helped a lot. In a nutshell, she blames me for the death of her mother. In her eyes her mother died when she had the stroke and a stranger occupies her body now. Since she’s always blamed me for her mom’s stroke, that leads to she blames me for killing her mom… I wonder if I’m ever going to get my little girl back.

Meanwhile, this thing with work is really beating me down. I’ve managed to piss away a nearly a month and feel like I’ve got almost nothing to show for it, and I still can’t get on a decent roll… There’s going to come a point, and it may be soon, when they say “Sorry, but we’re going to have to let you go…” I feel the sword of Damocles hanging over my neck, and I feel powerless to do much about it. I’m muddling through as best I can right now, forcing myself to keep plodding even though it feels like three steps forward, two steps back…

I guess the summary is: I’m feeling depressed, I’m not sure how to break out of it, and the pressure just keeps piling up making it harder to break out of it.

Reached the next step, now to see how it all plays out

corvan — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 21:53:00 +0000

I’m going to try really hard not to turn this blog into an exposition of what’s going on in RL. The only real reason I’m continuing to post these is because I know there are people in SL who care and want to know what’s going on.

Yesterday my daughter got up in much the same mood as the day before, she repeated her insistence that until she got her privileges back she would refuse to assist her mother in any way whatsoever. I let her know that I found this despicable.

Later in the day, she left the apartment to go to the pool (her mother and I both told her he was not to). She snuck out her bedroom window, in the process letting both cats out. After I wrangled the cats back inside I decided a search of her room was in order. While looking I discovered a Hookah. Complete with charcoal blocks, tobacco, tin foil. All the fixings for using the hookah as designed. Claiming it was a birthday gift, she demanded its return. Naturally I declined that request. She’s 15 years old and I am not having that in the house in her possession.

My declaration that I would be disposing of the hookah lead to a physical confrontation in which she was combative, attacking me, demanding to get her pipe, her “baby” back. I interposed my body in between her and the doorway to our bedroom. When it was clear this was not going to de-escalate I asked my wife to call 911 and get the police here. When they arrived she continued to be belligerent and defiant and stated that if required to remain in our home she would kill herself. On that basis she has been hospitalised on what’s called a 5150, a 72-hour hold and eval. We just heard from the hospital, they are going to try her on meds (she has thus far refused any medication) and we’ll go from here.

Obviously, we’re not happy with this turn of events, and obviously this places us all in a not great situation. It does give the two of us some respite from the constant tension and conflict and maybe it helps our daughter stablise. I sure hope so. Last night while she was waiting in the ER to be transported, she called to talk to her mom. The entire conversation was essentially “I hope you’re happy with what you’ve done. If you would simply throw him (she means me) out, everything will be perfect”

Decisions made, now to see how they play out

corvan — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 12:40:00 +0000

I’ve decided that I need to take my daughter at her word. I need to believe her that she’ll sink so low as to attempt to bargain with her mother’s well being. So tomorrow I’m going to put my job in jeopardy by working from home and spending most of the day on the phone attempting to find home care assistance for my wife.

On the one hand I need to take back the power from my daughter. On the other hand I need to be sure that my wife has adequate care. The gripping hand is that this is not going to be cheap, and it means that our ability to buy a house any time soon is being sacrificed. So be it. The more I think about it, the more I welcome any and all help that may show up no matter what the potential cost to me. As long as my wife is being cared for adequately, and as long as I have a chance to keep a roof over our heads, I’m finding the strength to continue again. I’m not going to fight with my daughter over whether or not she’s going to look after her mother who needs her. I’m not about to back down on the TEASPOT, but all the rest I’m letting go.

She hates me. She’s said so herself on many occasions. So be it. I wash my hands of any attempt to get back in her good graces. Right now, she’s not worth it. She’s raised the price of her cooperation too high. I’m not going to play and I don’t give a damn anymore. I will continue to honour my commitment to her, I will house and clothe and feed her and continue to fight to get her the help she so desperately needs, but I will no longer attempt to rely on her for anything. With regard to her stated goal of achieving just that, she’s won. I hope she is willing to pay the cost of that victory. With regard to her stated goal of destroying my family, no fucking way. She doesn’t rate, and she doesn’t have the power to do that. I’ll call CPS on her myself before I allow her to do that. With regard to her stated goal of getting out of here and away from us, she may win there, she might not. Again, I hope for her sake she’s willing to pay the price of that victory, because the price is going to be high whether she admits it or not.