Corvans Creations... Musings on a Second Life » Damon

Wondering what has gone wrong, Part 3

corvan — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 00:08:49 +0000

—– Friday August 14, 23:32 SLT —–

No sign of Miss deka, her alt or Damon still. I spent the evening with Tara, Re, Parser and later with ccia and DaddyDenial. We went to the club where Wednesdai used to dance, Ally B’s. It was the only BDSM friendly dance club any of us could think of. It was a really good night overall, a lot of silliness abounded, with only one dark moment.

I know everything in SL is accelerated, but it’s a little frightening to me that I’m already starting to emotionally separate from deka. My default assumption at this point is that she’s gone and is not returning. It’s not so much that she hasn’t been inworld, she’s been absent for longer before, it’s the fact that there was no warning, in fact quite the opposite, we went our separate ways to do RL chores with the explicit expectation that we were going to see each other after. It’s also the fact that attempts to communicate via other channels have not produced any results. There is beginning to be a little voice in the back of my head that is hoping she doesn’t return. My trust in her being there for me has been badly shaken and that’s not going to go away right away if she does return.

Tara declared and I quote “I’ll never leave you, I’ll never abandon you, and I’ll never make you wonder.” and “If she doesn’t come back, you’ll be mine as long as you want to be mine.” and “I intend to keep you as long as you’ll have me.” I’m tearing up just re-reading that. The love and caring that went into those three declarations is just overwhelming.

It’s hard to be abandoned, truly horrible. One of the senior trainers at FFF abandoned several subs when she abruptly left SL during the debates surrounding the new adult content rules. One, a pony I know, spent 10 days waiting for her to return, leashed and blindfolded in her stall at FFF. I was appalled and offered every sort of support I could when I found out about it. I know now how she felt, even if not to the same degree.

I’m overwhelmed, in a good way. I know that there are people who truly care about my well being, I know it in my bones. I’m pretty sure that between the two of them Tara and Re will keep me on my toes, but that’s secondary. Tara’s never seen herself as a Domme. Not in any way. That she’s willing, hell, volunteering to take up that mantle to make sure that I’m cared for is just awe inspiring. I wonder how I was so lucky to find friends such as these.

I know it won’t be the same sort of thing as it was with Wed or with Enigma or especially with Miss deka, but my most important of the four elements, Belonging, is going to be covered. If deka truly has left then I will be proud to declare myself as belonging to Tara until such time as someone new who Tara, Re and myself all agree is right. That’s what I take with me to sleep tonight. The comforting knowledge that I am loved, and cared for. My RL struggles are eased by the comfort I receive in SL. Tara and Re have both gone to extra-ordinary lengths to help ensure I get that comfort and it’s frankly humbling.

Tomorrow marks two months since my trial started. If deka has truly gone, then I’m three for three at having D/s relationships disintegrate at around the two month mark. I’m not sure what if anything it means, but it is disquieting.

Wondering what has gone wrong, Part 2

corvan — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 00:06:28 +0000

—– Friday August 14, 12:36 SLT —–

I haven’t seen Miss deka since Sunday morning. I’m still locked in a kneel pose from my collar, and she hasn’t logged in once since then. Damon logged in briefly on Wednesday, but I was not online at the time. I’ve sent notecards to them both and to Miss’s alt in hopes of finding out what has happened.

I don’t know if Miss is in trouble, if she’s having connection problems, if Damon has insisted she terminate contact with me, or if she’s simply decided to abandon me. All of these possibilities are running through my head and there’s not a god-damned thing I can do about them because she’s not communicating with me. I’m so frustrated and hurt it isn’t funny. If it weren’t for the fact that she said she was coming back on Sunday, I wouldn’t be in nearly the state I am; but she did say she was coming back and she hasn’t.

It really isn’t helping matters that this started as I was dealing with a major crisis in RL. I really needed Miss’s comfort and support, and the relief I felt seeing her Sunday has been wiped out by the hurt over her disappearance.

Thank goodness for Tara and Re. They’re right there with me and giving me wonderful support. I’d be in much rougher shape if it weren’t for the love and support from them.

Miss deka has spent a lot of time in Gor, as has Tara. So we’ve come up with a plan based on Gorean traditions. First, on Sunday evening if there is still no sign of Miss deka, I’m going to reset my collar. This will at least release me from the kneeling pose I’ve been locked in since Sunday morning. Tara will take over as primary on the collar and everything else with Re as secondary. The assumption next week is that Miss deka is still going to return, but we need to deal with the immediate issue. If she returns then the transition from Tara back to Miss deka will be easily and cleanly managed.

If there is still no sign of Miss deka by Sunday August 23rd, then following the Gorean tradition I will consider myself as abandoned and no longer Miss deka’s. I hate writing those words. At that point, Tara and Re will fully take over as my protectors and anyone who wishes to take me on will need to convince them. Yes, that includes Miss deka should she return at that point.

Finally, if there is still no sign of Miss deka by Sunday August 30, I will remove her from my groups, my picks, my property, my life. I doubly hate writing those words. Nothing will change as far as Tara and Re, but at that point I will be open to meeting someone new. Probably. I don’t know. My emotions are so mixed up right now about Miss deka, I don’t know what kind shape I’ll be in when/if she returns or if she doesn’t. The one thing I can say is that if it gets to be August 30 with no sign of Miss deka then I will not be open to her collar again.

What hurts the most I guess is the total lack of communication. Not knowing means that all the horrible possibilities are running through my head and there’s nothing to counter them. All my self-doubts leap to the fore. All my insecurities. Was it something I did? Something I didn’t do? Is it her new RL relationship necessitating tossing me aside? Am I being tossed to the side? I just don’t know!

We’ve got contingency plans. I hope we don’t need them. I hope I don’t have to publish this because she did in fact come back.

Wondering what has gone wrong, part 1

corvan — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 00:02:59 +0000

The following postings have been written over several days. It was not published immediately because at the time I was writing it it wasn’t clear what the situation was. It still isn’t, which is still deeply troubling. I may never know what happened. I know how it looks right now and hopefully the next couple of weeks will add at least some sense of certainty.

I don't like Mondays, but I like the way they end some times

corvan — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 16:33:00 +0000

A mostly quiet day yesterday, well, quiet in SL anyway. My daughter has been raising holy hell for a couple of weeks now and it’s really starting to get to me, sigh.

Had a nice quiet early evening at Regg and Tara’s place, in panther form with Re in her new Snow Leopard. I’m learning a lot from just watching how Tara, Re and others interact. I’m realising that I spend an awful lot of the time just sitting or laying down observing what’s going on, not necessarily initiating a lot. Sure, I participate in the banter and the general tom-foolery, but otherwise I’m pretty much laid back. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying its a bad thing, but I’m definitely pondering whether it’s effective for me or not…

Miss deka came on around 8:00 which certainly brightened up my day. We spent most of the rest of the evening at home, she curled up with Damon, me curled up at her feet, all of us playing Greedy. Once again, I was content just to be in the same room with Miss, curled up before the fire at her feet. A wonderful image for me.

Maybe it’s everything that’s going on in RL that has me second guessing myself a bit at every turn. I need to keep foremost in my head that if there’s an issue, big or little, Miss will let me know. If I’m not initiating enough, or if I seem wooden in my responses to her, I need to trust that she’ll help me become better. Meanwhile I’m just happy to spend time, any time, in her presence.

She definitely picked a form for me that helps push me a little in the direction of initiating stuff more today, when I went to bed last night she instructed me to change into puppy form this morning. The very first time I put on puppy gear I felt much more hyper than usual, there’s something about it that just makes you want to race around sniffing everything, searching out treats and pets from everyone nearby, before flopping down for a quick nap…

I couldn’t decide what if any clothing to wear with the puppy gear (I think I was mostly nude last time). When I went to put on a catsuit I discovered that some piece of it was preventing me from putting on clothing. I started to strip it off so I could put on the catsuit but then changed my mind. A naked puppy am I. Well, mostly naked…

Pics when I have some…

One happy sub….

corvan — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 05:53:00 +0000

That’s me.

Miss deka was online most of the day today. She got in shortly after noon and I just went to bed a little later than usual (10:30). What a wonderful day. The first thing was a slight panic on my part making sure the new castle was ready for her. I put up a few pictures and such, then relaxed in the hot tub on the roof to work on some scripting.

When Miss came online I discovered that my wind-up key had unwound so a quick panicked IM to Tara brought her over to save me while Miss was changing and before she teleported to where I was. Fortunately everything went off perfectly, and Miss really likes our new home. I was really nervous that she wouldn’t like it, or that she’d not like the idea of the sub acquiring the home, or something silly like that. Let’s face it, I was just plain nervous with the “Will she like it? Won’t she like it? Oh god, what will she say?”… All was fine, and we have a new home.

One of the things Miss had talked about shortly before she had to be away was getting me a new skin. She wanted to make some slight changes to my look. Since then she hadn’t mentioned it again, RL kinda swamped that, and the few times she was able to get in were so brief that no time was wasted on anything as basic as shopping (fun though that is). First thing she did today after getting the tour of the house was to take us to get me a new skin! I don’t have any pictures yet, but the change is really quite good. I still look like me, but less fem than I did before. I really like what she picked out. After that we went to one of her favorite clothing stores and picked out an outfit for each other. She looks stunning in the outfit I picked for her and I think I look great in the one she picked for me.

From there we spent a few hours at Regg and Tara’s place to play greedy. Well, Regg, Tara and Miss played without my participation for the first while, I was too busy basking in Miss’s presence and just plain drinking her in. We were lounging on one of Regg’s couches, her laying on my chest and me in 1st person view (aka mouselook) just drawn in.

I got a few pictures which Tara is looking over to see what she can do with them, and she got one stunning picture which is now hanging over the mantle of our fireplace. I’ll make you wait until the end of the post to see it, just to build the anticipation a bit.

After that it was back home to play some more greedy, Damon joined us as did Tara and we just wiled away the evening, yacking, playing Greedy, yacking… Miss finally sent me to bed, after first changing into my Panther form (which I haven’t spent very much time in at all) and now I’m all curled up in my basket, dreaming happy dreams. Momentarily to be curled up in RL, dreaming happy dreams.

What a marvelous day.

A puppy comes to life…

corvan — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 05:03:00 +0000

Oddly enough, a fairly mundane day today, which is an odd thing to say considering I spent most of it locked into pony tack…

Miss deka’s Master decided he wanted her to work on her MD pony boots today so naturally, I did too. We spent a fair chunk of the morning pacing around the circle at the Forum, falling on our asses, pacing, falling…

I also got to meet Miss’s first ever sub, from IMVU. She seems hell bent on collaring him again in SL, though he’s not likely to be around too much. He’s in the military and will be deploying to Iraq soon. I hope he’ll be okay.

Later on, Miss carried out her threat to put me into puppy form. I’m now a blue puppy, and it’s quite a bit of fun. I’m free to scamper about (and oh my, but puppies are hyper!), get into trouble, generally just be goofy. I’m still not sure if it’s going to appeal the same as pony and latex doll have, but it’s certainly a fun diversion. Tomorrow Miss wants to see me running the agility course at FFF. I managed a few runs before I needed to log for the night. It’s tougher than it looks. Chrissy managed a time of 124, the best I could managed was 154. That’s still quite an improvement over my first time of 186 but still lots of room for improvement.