Corvans Creations... Musings on a Second Life » Blogging

A minor panic this evening

corvan — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 05:14:51 +0000

Talk about being derailed. My blog was offline for a while this evening due to a database error. Fortunately I was able to repair the database and everything appears to be operating normally again. It made for a bit of a panic though as I was sweating through several scenarios, first that my blog would be gone, poof… second that my nice reliable hosting was suddenly less reliable meaning that all my customers for DC Designs products would be yelling at me in the morning. Finally and most importantly that I’d be unable to post as directed by Miss Tara and that was something I really didn’t want to not do.

Miss was able to come into SL for a while this evening to whomp me at Can’t Stop again it was nice to be able to spend that time with her. I’m still struggling with the transition from being hers primarily in SL to being hers primarily outside of SL, but I think progress is being made.

Ever have one of those weeks?

corvan — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 05:18:11 +0000

Feels like two steps forward one step back on a number of levels. Miss really wants me to be insightful in this blog, but I’m having a helluva time finding the words to write. She’s got some serious stresses in RL at the moment, I’m still working on my own stresses, and I’m finding it a surprising struggle just to do what I know I must. What I’ve been told to.

I’m trying to find the source of my struggle, but I’m not having any real luck doing so. I’ve spent well over a half hour mostly staring at this blank page, not knowing what to say that isn’t simple reportage:

Miss was in and we played some Can’t Stop and she soundly whomped me. We were bantering back and forth with our friend Joelle on Skype while she was whomping me and it was a lot of fun. No real insights to be had there though.

I guess I’ll just say that tomorrow’s another day, that I’m doing my best to obey my Miss, and doing my best to take care of myself and my family at the same time (no, that’s not implying there’s any conflict between obeying my Miss and taking care of myself or my family). We’ll see what I can craft tomorrow for a blog entry.

Three steps forward, one or two back…

corvan — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 04:42:03 +0000

Well it’s been a quiet week, but that’s okay. I completed my week of daily posts and had gotten much better at putting in Miss’s hands what belongs in Miss’s hands… until yesterday that is.

I have a couple of weekly assignments, one is to get her my schedule for the week every Sunday, also to blog every Sunday. Usually on long weekends, I’ve been doing my blogging and schedule sending on the Monday, and this weekend was going to be no different… except that I forgot to ask Miss for permission to put it off until Monday. During the day yesterday I did have the thought to send her an IM asking, but put it off until later. Big mistake. If there’s one thing I know about myself it’s that more than half the time things that I put off until later get completely forgotten. As happened yesterday.

So, this week’s topic is: The importance of asking in advance if I want permission to change my schedule. One posting a day, 7 days, starting today. Posts to be between 9:30 and 10:00 and no contact with SL while I’m doing it.

The week comes to an end

corvan — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 04:56:36 +0000

Well if my reckoning is correct (and I’ll confirm it tomorrow, not tonight) this is the last of the week of blogs Miss directed me to do. It’s interesting to see how much more centered I am in my slavery to her in just that week. I guess what I needed more than anything was a reminder of who the boss is and to whom my ass belongs Struggling occasionally, making mistakes, these are all normal provided that something is learned and growth occurs. I think there’s been growth and I know Miss is proud of my progress over the week. She told me so.

In other news, I’m definitely catching the scripting bug again, and making progress. Today I wrote an entire system for the Forum which will help Gardeners make sure that newcomers get welcomed. The idea came up at yesterday’s Gardener’s meeting and I spent part of yesterday pondering, and then early this morning got started on it. We’re testing it now, but I really like how it’s turned out!

Just under the wire, but continuing the path

corvan — Sun, 27 Jun 2010 04:56:01 +0000

Today Miss was inworld for a while and it was very nice to hear her say that she too misses hanging out with me. Not that I doubted it, but having that validation was a nice surprise on top of the surprise that was seeing her log in.

I’m getting better at checking in with her too. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to blog this evening, and I’ll admit that I was sufficiently caught up in Tiny Empires that I almost missed… but the key things are: I didn’t forget, I remembered in time. When I wasn’t sure if the daily postings were still on, I asked Miss. I did figure out how I could find out on my own, and did, but I asked rather than assuming and hoping for the best.

It getting natural again I think. In part, it’s not trusting my own judgment, especially because my judgment isn’t really at issue: It’s Her’s that matters. It’s feeling better and more comfortable too. The last little while has felt strained, not as much now.

Being a little kitty cat

corvan — Sat, 26 Jun 2010 15:30:25 +0000

So I’m running around SL as a house cat… it’s very interesting. I’m getting even more “Awww… isn’t he cute!” attention than in other forms

At the same time, Miss has been coming in more often for a little while in the evening for some snuggles and some Greedy. I’ve very much been liking that, it’s letting us reconnect in ways that phone and IM just don’t quite do. At the same time, I’m getting back in the groove of implicitly knowing who my Miss is, and who’s in charge. Last night for example, I was dead tired and ready for bed at 8:00. On the one hand, that’s kind of unusual for me and I ended up sleeping nearly 11 hours. A couple of weeks ago I probably would have just gone to bed and made excuses in the morning for not blogging like I’d been told to. Last night I asked Miss if I could blog this morning instead and she allowed me to put off the blogging last night.

That’s a key difference. By letting her know where I was at, and by asking her permission I did two things. First, I gave her the control that I’m supposed to be, second I made sure she had the information needed to make the best decision for me. That is what being a submissive, a slave, is supposed to be!

Punctuality

corvan — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 04:40:39 +0000

It’s 9:30, on the dot. I’m doing my best to keep my word to my Miss, and to do so consistently. We had a long talk this morning about the fact that I was late getting my posting for the day done. Miss was not pleased. As a consequence, I’ll be banned from SL tomorrow evening and I have a writing assignment, and then I’m to do things that I wouldn’t normally do if I were in SL all evening.

Miss brought me up short this morning when she asked my how futzing with my server (which is what caused me to miss my deadline) was more important than obeying her… The pat answer would have been “It’s not Miss”, the honest answer was “It should have been”. One of the things we talked about was consistency, how I go great guns at first with things, but then once the novelty wears off, so do I. By way of explanation (and excuse), it’s one of the effects of ADHD. Anything new is “Ooo, shiny!” but then the next shiny thing distracts just as quickly. Managing that has been a lifelong task, and though I’m a whole lot better than I was when I was initially diagnosed at age 6, I’ve still got progress to make. Fortunately Miss Tara is going to be helping to push and prod me along the path.

The other thing she’s going to be seriously working with me on is regaining access to my feelings. I think I mentioned this last night, but we talked some more about it today. The more and better I’m able to access my feelings, the stronger I’ll be at managing the stresses of daily life, and that’s all good. It’s part of taking care of my Miss’s property, and providing her with access more fully to her property.

Finally, an update on my wayward step-daughter. We’ve learned that as recently as a week ago she was okay. Still missing, still refusing to come back in, but reasonably healthy and happy at least. That’s some good news…

Musings on the day

corvan — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 07:06:36 +0000

It’s funny, I was incredibly tired all day, but this evening I’m wide awake.

There’s some good news, some interesting news, some thoughts.

The news: I’m now Viceroy of the Tiny Empires Kingdom of Forum! Tomorrow I should be named Grand Viceroy. This means that while King Jamie is asleep on the other side of the world, I’ll be able to perform the tasks of the monarch… i.e. spend a huge amount of money for the benefit of everyone in the kingdom. I’m actually quite tickled that Jamie was so eager to name me Viceroy. It’s sort of meaningless in the long run, Tiny Empires is just a silly game within SL, but still.. gave me a warm feeling.

Which is a nice segue into the next thing. Feelings. Miss pointed something out to me today: I rarely if ever actually express my feelings. Especially to her. She’ll ask me how I’m doing and invariably I’ll reply with “I’m okay”. The fact is that generally speaking, I’m rarely completely okay. As I’ve commented on before, I’ve got a lot of burdens I’m carrying: My wife who’s recovering from her stroke and battling her own depression; our daughter who’s still missing and according to last reports has started shooting up; my job, which though not in immediate jeopardy, could still be doing better; our son, who’s still refusing to communicate with us except for the barest of minimums. I’m, as always, the one who needs to be strong for everyone else. One of the consequences of that is I’m tending to push down my own feelings and stresses because, well, I simply don’t have time to fall apart the way I’d like to sometimes. Today though, while talking with Miss about what’s going on with our daughter, I was able to express some of the pain and frustration with what’s going on. It’s a bit of a milestone and Miss told me how proud she was that I was able to.

I was a little surprised, mostly because I don’t think I really realise I’m doing it. It’s most likely a side effect of my own situational depression, and sheer necessity with everything that’s going on. Either way, it’s a good thing.

A new day, new control

corvan — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 04:43:26 +0000

Miss Tara and I have had a couple of very good conversations in the last 24 hours. A few results of that:

For the next week I am to blog every night between 9:30 and 10:00. I’m to leave SecondLife so it’s not distracting me.
Miss has been quite worried about punishing me when I mess up for fear of compromising our friendship. We established from the very beginning that our friendship supersedes anything else.
I’ve been using my wife’s condition and her need for care as a crutch to get out of doing things I don’t want to do. I don’t think I’d really recognised just how much I was until Miss pointed it out to me.
I need to feel Miss Tara’s control in my gut again. The best way to do that right now is for her to establish specific expectations and if I don’t fulfill them to smack me down hard in ways I don’t like.
A realisation I had, that I haven’t really shared with Miss yet: When we’re talking on the phone, it feels less like Miss and her boy, and more like two friends. On the one hand, that’s good and appropriate at times, on the other, I think it’s been making it more difficult for me to consistently relate to her as my owner in addition to my friend.

This last one was a bit of a surprise to me, well, a number of them have been surprising to me. In the case of how we relate over the phone, I actively spoke to my Miss rather than to my friend this afternoon and it made a noticeable difference.

The good news is that we’ve recognized a problem and we’re dealing with it. Miss checked in hard with me about whether or not her imposing punishment would compromise our friendship, and whether I truly want/need her to clamp down on me. It won’t, and I do. I can feel a difference already. Not a huge “Everything is solved, life is perfect again” difference, but a small one: I could easily have stayed in SL while I was composing this. Miss would have no real way of knowing whether I logged or not… except I did. There was a temptation to just say “You know, having it in the background and not switching while I’m blogging is close enough…” except it’s not what my Miss told me to do. She told me to log from SL when I’m blogging this week and here’s a case where I’ve done exactly what she told me to, exactly the way she told me to. No excuses, no weaseling, just proper and complete obedience.

Feels good.

What do you write about when there’s nothing to write about?

corvan — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 06:00:40 +0000

I’ve got nothing.

I need to keep this blog going, and Miss has been kind enough to cut down my requirement to once a week, but even though I missed last week, I’ve got nothing.

Well sort of. My wife ended up in the hospital week before last from an accidental overdose of my sleep meds. She ended up in the hospital for a three days, the first day she was virtually comatose. The second she was awake, but really drowsy. By the third day she was mostly back to normal and she’s bounced back fully since. Though she did have another seizure the other day. She was overdue. She’s been averaging about one a month for the last year, but it’s been at least three months since her last.

Mostly, I’ve been in SL but all I’ve really been doing is playing Tiny Empires and making half-hearted stabs at organizing my inventory. My wife and I have been hanging out together more, watching TV, and that’s good.

Miss Tara and I haven’t been spending much quality Miss/slave time though. We’re still super close in touch, in fact last week it was jarring when my cell phone died and I didn’t realize it, so we didn’t chat for a whole four hours and it felt… wrong! We’re working on it though, Miss is cracking down on some of my RL stuff that I’ve been letting slide.

The pony event was a complete bust for me though. With what was going on in RL, I just couldn’t focus on pony play… so we’ll get them next time! Darn it!

All in all, sort of a “Meh” couple of weeks…