You see, something has changed in me. It might be permanent, it might only be for a time, but there has been a definite change. As I was driving to work this morning I was playing in my head how I expect that interview to go; what sort of questions she’s likely to ask me; what my answers are. I want to be prepared going into that interview. I want to be able to give well considered answers for any question she might throw my way.

One of the obvious first questions stopped me cold when I really started considering it. Not so much because of what my answer is, but more how it’s kind of the wrong question. The question is this: Why do I want to be a pony? It’s the wrong question. The right question, I realised this morning, is: Why are you a pony?

This is much different from when I was a tiger, then I was playing at being a tiger. Don’t get me wrong it was a lot of fun playing at being a tiger, but it never really resonated for me the way being a pony is resonating right now. I was practicing on the steeples and I was determined to make a no fault run somehow. All of my actions and reactions to how I was doing were pony reactions and it felt totally natural.

So why am I a pony? The simple yet honest answer for the moment is “I don’t know”. I’ve seen lots of human pony pictures, and read pony stories for years (aside: the internet has done more for allowing people to realise their fantasies than anything else on the face of the earth, bar none). I’ve been intrigued by pony play for quite some time but I never imagined that it would be so engrossing, so completely overwhelming. In order to teleport reliably, I’m finding that I need to strip off a fair piece of gear and the more I strip off the more uncomfortable I’m finding myself.

Why is it so comfortable, natural even, being a pony? I’ve been around horses my whole life, mostly from a distance unfortunately, but growing up in Calgary you cannot help but see horses almost every day. I realised that one reason I gravitated to the steeple course right off the bat was due to having one of the world’s premier show jumping facilities, Spruce Meadows, just outside the city. It’s very hard not to be familiar with show jumping living in Calgary. The Calgary Stampede is another avenue, I worked for three years at the race track surrounded by standard-breds, thoroughbreds and of course rodeo quarter horses. So there’s definitely a familiarity and admiration for these majestic beasts, but that still hasn’t come close to answering the question: Why does being a pony fit so well?

There are, of course some, obvious things that attract me to it. All the restrictive gear is like candy to a bondage slut like me. The heavily trust-based relationship between pony and trainer is also an obvious attraction point. Jaydana mentioned something about blindfold pony cart training. I’ve heard of that before, the idea is that the pony is completely blinded and only has the driver’s signals to tell him where and how to go. The thought sends a chill up my spine. The level of trust and of being inside each others’ heads that would be required to really make that work is breathtaking… and totally compelling. There’s the question of roles, when I was with Wednesdai it sometimes wasn’t 100% clear what my role was because we’d never really concretely defined it. That was fine, there wasn’t a need to, but being a pony is a clearly defined role and being a trainer is also a clearly defined role and how the two relate to each other is well defined too. That clear definition of roles is very attractive to me right now. It gets to the question of ‘order’ discussed previously.

But does that any of that really speak to why I’m beginning to seriously self-identify as a pony? It seems far to simplistic and far too shallow to account for the depth of what I was feeling last night when Kittanya was gentling me to her. It’s all well and good to say that it’s all role-play and I won’t deny that it is indeed role-play, but there’s a depth here that feels like it goes beyond that. Just like when I was first collared by Wednesdai, there was a depth to being her sub that I’d never encountered before in or out of SL. This feels very much the same, and it gives me pause. The fact that Wednesdai and I are no longer together has nothing really to do with whether or not I’m a sub (it raises the question of whether I’m a ‘good’ sub or not, but that’s a whole different question).

Whether Button accepts me into FFF or not, there have been changes here and I have to pursue them. I have to follow this trail to see where it leads me because it’s reaching very deep within me in ways I never, ever expected. Wednesdai introduced me to pony play and it was a lot of fun and quite intriguing. Aiden taught me some of the basics and helped to show me where the pony mindset is. Both of these wonderful ladies have brought me here to this next chapter. I can’t wait to see where this all lead because right now it feels like it leads somewhere wondrous.

Related posts:

1. On Toxic People and other random thoughts
2. Some thoughts after re-reading my entire blog
3. Sometimes life is just good, you know?

Samie and her sister are quite the pair together, we all managed to get ourselves into a fair piece of trouble. I’m really glad to be able to count them as friends, and even as sisters. In spite of our RL age differences, inworld I feel very much like a younger brother to them, and they both have taken on that role in ways that leave me breathless.

I’ve met so many amazing people in SL, the generosity and caring that people have for each other here is astounding. People you meet for the very first time are intimate friends within minutes. I’ve read how everything is accelerated in SL, it’s really true.

Miss was able to get back from the fire alert, and her ISP troubles and it was so comforting just to be there with her. Just being in her presence makes the world a brighter place. When she leaves the world feels empty somehow, which is an interesting segue to my next post… a post I really don’t want to write…

Related posts:

1. A fun few days
2. Why do I only write when I'm feeling bad?
3. Sigh, missed a few days