I seem to be just kind of floating along these days. I’m not doing a very good job of obeying my Miss’s direction, I’m not finding much fun in SL at the moment, I’m not finding much satisfaction in my work (though that does seem to be going okay).

Miss Tara asks me to identify what needs and desires I have that are not being fulfilled and I just draw a blank. I’m seriously not used to identifying my own needs. I’m all about satisfying others’ needs, I’m not really very good at satisfying my own. Hmm, come to think of it, that resonates. I’m thinking that maybe one of the sources of my struggles regarding Miss is: She doesn’t need me right now. What I mean by that is that there really isn’t anything I can do for her right now, she’s doing well in her life (barring some bumps), she’s settling in to her new place, her job is going well, and she’s got a wonderful relationship developing with her Master.

When she was in SL more, she needed me for companionship, for conversation, for playing Greedy ; that’s significantly diminished now. We do still talk regularly, near constantly, but that’s not quite the same thing. This thought isn’t fully formed, so if it seems nebulous that’s because it is, but it really does resonate for me. A big chunk of why I’m feeling out of sorts is because I’m feeling… unused, I guess would be the best word. What is there I can do for my Miss? Right now, not a lot, and that isn’t sitting well. Even the things I’m doing for myself at her direction don’t seem to really count, because that feels like it’s for me, not for her…

I know this isn’t the whole story, one of my biggest struggles as I said is identifying what I need, even what I’m feeling. For so many reasons, my needs come second most of the time, so I guess I suppress them. I am working hard to identify what it is I need that I’m not getting, whether it’s from Miss, or from my wife, or from life in general. Social interaction is definitely one of them, and Miss has ordered me to look into what I can find that I can do once a week or once every other week that would be more social for me. So far the only thing I’ve come up with, and it’s on my list already, is fishing.

No one said this would be easy, and its definitely not going to be, but I also know I need to do it. Not only because my Miss told me to, but because it’s what I need to make sure my needs are being fulfilled.

Related posts:

1. A fairly quiet week
2. When life gives you a serious kick in the ass
3. Where is that line anyway?
4. A tough post to write
5. Skipped a day, catching up