Yesterday I asked Miss Tara to lock me up solid. I gave her a list of my idea, along with details of my thinking for my bane hood. As I’ve written on several occasions, I’ve not been feeling her control quite as much as I need, though without a doubt, we’ve been doing better with that over the last few days. This morning when she came in-world, she had me get changed out of my panther avatar and she was very specific about what she wanted, and how she wished to set it up. There are some elements that are the same as I asked for, and some elements that are not. On balance, I’d say that there are more elements different than the same actually. Suffice to say, there’s no question I’m feeling her Control now.

What’s the same is my ballet boots are back in training mode, and I’m wearing my bane hood. How it’s set, and what else I’m wearing is all different and by her choice. I can walk, I can emote and that’s about it. She’s blocked my IM which is unusual and makes me feel even more controlled than just about anything else. I don’t think she’s restrict my IM for more than a minute or two before, and it’s got me deep in sub-space. Having my IMs blocked has me feeling more helpless and vulnerable than I have in a very very long time, and I’m really enjoying this feeling, this feeling that She has created.

This posting isn’t so much about the mechanics of how I am right now, and is much more about how it’s affecting me, what I’m feeling. Miss wants me to dig deep here, and I do admit I’m having a little difficulty pulling out of the moment enough to give them words.

First and foremost, I’m feeling my Miss’s ownership, loud and clear. Not only am I feeling listened to and cared for, because I finally got up the gumption to say “Miss, here’s something I need” and she is taking care of me; but I’m also feeling not in control because she very specifically did not simply grant me what I’d asked for, she made her own choices, for her own reasons, and came up with what she wanted. I commented to her earlier that she’s giving me a very pleasant object lesson in the difference between making a request and topping from the bottom. Not only did she reassure me that I don’t top from the bottom, she demonstrated it as clearly as a brick in the face.

Being in bondage, especially super tight bondage as I am, lets me just float away from any worries or cares. There’s very very little I can do being trussed up like this, which is incredibly freeing. Miss has very firmly and definitely asserted her control over me again. Feeling this out of control, this controlled, this under my Miss’s direction, is giving me an awful lot of comfort. It’s not up to me what I can and cannot do, it’s up to my Miss.

The other big thing that’s coming up is how much my Miss cares about me, and about how I’m doing, and about my needs. Its not easy some times to feel like I deserve all the care and attention of my Miss. Self-doubt and self-esteem has been an issue with me all my life and recently I discovered that it’s still with me. I’m humbled and honoured by the fact that Miss shows me, every single day, that her opinion in the matter is substantially different than mine. Miss knows best of course.

I have to say, I’m feeling more deeply in sub-space than I’ve been in ages. Miss took me by the leash and pushed me hard into sub-space and I’m revelling in it. I haven’t felt as owned as I do now in a while and it’s a wondrous thing. I’m so very happy and proud to call myself Hers. I know she worries that over the last while she’s been neglecting me. Quite the contrary really, I’ve been assuring her daily how well I’m doing while not realising where I have been struggling. It’s to her great credit that as soon as she caught wind of where I really am she grabbed onto the situation immediately and addressed it. Firmly, definitely, Dominantly. I’m still working on making sure that not only am I more aware of how I’m doing, but also passing it on to her as is my duty to her. As I’ve said before, it’s a journey not a destination, but what a wonderful journey. I am my Miss’s boy, and She won’t have it any other way. I gave up that choice when I accepted her permanent collar. Were I to have that choice now, I would not hesitate for an instant.

One simple word: Hers

Related posts:

1. An exploration and a confession
2. Another milestone approaches
3. The role of SecondLife in my relationship with Miss Tara
4. Missed another posting last night
5. What to write about…