My last posting resulted in a long conversation between Miss Tara and I. A really good conversation. Out of that, Miss Tara has instructed me to write on the role of SecondLife in our relationship and how our relationship has transcended SecondLife.
First, foremost, always, I am Owned. Miss Tara owns me completely, whether we’re talking about SecondLife or FirstLife (I’m making a conscious decision to stop refering to RL vs SL, there’s nothing unreal about SL). Miss amply demonstrated that on Friday when she ordered me to do an exercise. She had me tighten my collar an extra notch for precisely five minutes, and to relay to her the feelings that came up during those five minutes. It was powerful. The main feelings that came through were feelings of control and ownership, and the comfort that comes from that.
I’ve done a lot of thinking the last couple of days about my relationship with Miss, and what it means to be hers both inside and outside of SL. Does it really make a difference if we’re in SL together or not? It does and it doesn’t is what I’ve come to realise. Miss wants me to know in my bones, like I know how to breathe that I’m hers, and that there’s nothing I can do about it, that it’s not ever going to change. This journey we’re on does not have an end, just steps along the way. There is a degree to which I do get that, in my bones; and there is a degree to which I don’t yet. That’s neither good nor bad, it’s just what is. What makes it good is that we’re both striving to bring more depth to it. I get it more deeply today than I did yesterday. I’ll get it more deeply still tomorrow.
A long time ago, a friend asked me about four elements of a BDSM relationship and their importance to me. The elements are: Belonging, Security, Order, Play. I’ve been pondering my slavery to Miss Tara in those terms over the last several days and I’ve learned a few things I didn’t know before. It’s also helped me see more clearly the role SL has in our relationship, and what areas in particular where I’m not quite there yet, not quite getting, in my bones, my Miss’s ownership of me.
When I first presented the list, I did so in reverse order of importance, least important first. I’m switching that here. I want to discuss the most important first and the least important last. One thing I’ve found very interesting as I’ve pondered, is that the ordering has not really changed at all. There’s a bit of blurring between Security and Order, but when I consider swapping them it doesn’t feel right.
Belonging is and always has been the most important element. That sense of being another’s, of being important to them, of their importance to me. This more than anything, for me, defines a BDSM relationship. I am my Miss’s boy. She is my Owner. That is reinforced every time she addresses me as “mine” or “my boy”. It’s reinforced every time I address her as “Miss” or “my Miss”. We reinforce this every single day, several times a day. This I know in my bones, like I know how to breathe, I am and always will be Hers. There’s no doubt, no question, no hesitation. If SecondLife were to shut down tomorrow, I would still be hers just as much as I am now. As time passes, the depth to which I feel this increases, and the degree to which I have come to rely on it increases. Just as I cannot imagine life without my wife, I cannot imagine life without my Miss. She’s too much a part of my life, her ownership is too important to me.
I’m coming to feel Security mostly in terms of Control. Specifically my Miss’s control over me. In some ways this is less about submission and more about Domination. When Miss Tara orders me to do something, or locks me down in SecondLife, or directs me to tighten my collar for 5 minutes, she’s asserting that control. When, after the five minutes is up, and I ask if I can leave the collar tightened for another five minutes but loosen it when her permission is not forthcoming, I am embodying her control over me. I give this example to illustrate that Control is not one-sided. It’s not merely for Her to assert, it’s for me to acquiesce to as well. It also falls on me to retain that sense of being Controlled. This is where SecondLife provides good reinforcement, and I think it’s the main area where I’ve struggled recently. Had I continued to feel Her Control there would have been no question about either continuing to wear her collar, or informing her there was a problem. It’s also where I’ve struggled with regular assignments like sending my schedule to her weekly, and blogging regularly. When I’m in SL and I’m locked down by her hand, I feel her Control at all times. I’m constantly reminded of it. For that matter, when I feel her collar on my body, I am also constantly reminded of her Control. I can touch it, it’s visceral. It becomes a part of me. Over time, I am sure that this feeling will deepen and I won’t need the external reinforcement. Her Control will be reinforced by the simple fact that she Is. In the meantime, her collar on my body, and her locks restricting me in SecondLife are serving that purpose nicely. I’ve come to realise that there’s more here than just my deep and abiding love of bondage, it’s learning to fully surrender to her Control, to knowing that she is in Control even when there is nothing external reinforcing it. This more than anything I think is where I have the most to grow.
Order is another area where I’m still learning. I am, by nature (thank you ADHD), a fairly chaotic person. Miss Tara has brought order to a lot of this chaos, and she continues to coach and guide me along the way. She does not have a lot of rules for me, a few regular assignments, some protocol when I’m with her or chatting in IM. I know that if I feel the need for rules or protocol or policies, she wants me to bring them to her for her consideration. This is again an expression of her Control, and I’m really wondering if I do need some more regular rules, rituals if you will, to help me in embodying her Control. I’d like to be able to say I know exactly what’s needed here, but I’m going to have to think further, and give this some real consideration. More to come.
Play is and always has been the least important of the four elements. It’s not that it isn’t important, it is, but it’s the one that is most easily managed, is least problematic, and I am least concerned about. Miss does a marvelous job of keeping me on my toes (literally at times, I have a serious thing for ballet boots). Miss regularly has me change out my form, and I have open permission to request either a change in form, or to be locked up tight, or less tight, or what have you. At the moment for example, I’m trussed up so tight I can barely move… mmmmmm…… What I do not do well, is let her know when I’m feeling the need. I did this week, I asked her to please lock me down. This was less about play and more about needing to feel her Control (sensing a common theme here?) but still, the next time she was in SL, she locked me up nicely.
What I’m really seeing here, is that the primary area of interest is Control. SecondLife provides a very good arena for seeing that, and over extended periods, because it’s visceral, and visual. Both of which work well with me. My Miss’s collar on me at all times in FirstLife is also a big help in this area. I completely get intellectually that I am under her Control, that I am her property. I don’t yet have that in my bones. I have no fears of abandonment, or any doubt anywhere that I am Hers. I know it, it’s in my thoughts all throughout the day. It’s truly in my bones. My goal now is to arrive at the place where I feel her Control just as deeply, just as completely. It is moving in that direction of course, and every step along the way we get deeper and deeper. It’s a journey, we’re making that journey together, and we’re learning lots along the way.
Phrase it in terms of the four elements Aquiel gave you: Play, Order, Security, Belonging
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