I’ve been doing some more deep thinking over the last couple of days, and I had a realisation. I figured out one of the things that’s been getting me down, and it’s both a good and a bad thing.
Last week, I was having some trouble sleeping. For no readily apparent reason, my knees were seriously aching, and this was making it very difficult to get comfortable and fall asleep. You may recall that since Miss Tara sent me a collar, I’ve been wearing it virtually every waking hour, but wearing it just below my knee so it’s discreet. When my knees started acting up, I was concerned that the collar was causing or contributing to the problem so I stopped wearing it for a while. This morning I put it back on, since it doesn’t seem like it had anything to do with it. I’m going to switch off between my right and left leg regularly just to be sure.
Not wearing my Miss’s collar every day I think contributed to my mood in two ways. First, I lost the visceral connection with her that I’ve had the last couple of months. There are two objects in the world that we both have touched. Her collar is one of them. Having it with me, connected to me, at all times serves as a constant reminder that I’m hers, and that she’s always there for me. It’s not that I need to be constantly reminded, I know it in my bones, but having that physical representation of it is a powerful comfort, particularly when other things aren’t going so well. Second, I’ve been feeling guilty because I neither asked for her permission to stop wearing it for a while, nor did I inform her that I had done so. I know without a doubt that she would have granted me that permission, in fact she would have insisted. What I’m not sure of is why I didn’t seek it, and even more importantly, why didn’t I let her know of the need? I honestly don’t know.
Not to wax melodramatic, but that was a bit of a betrayal. She depends on me to be open and honest about what’s going on at all times, and I need to surrender my authority to make certain decisions about myself to Her authority. That’s what power exchange is all about. In the case of her collar, there were certain expectations, that I was wearing it at all times, that once set, are not mine to reset. It’s not my place to simply decide that I’m not going to change things, it’s Hers. If there’s an urgent situation and I’m not able to ask for permission, I know that she’ll understand and forgive, provided I let her know right away. That didn’t happen here.
Please understand that I’m not beating myself up here. I’m not doing the ashes and sack-cloth, hair-shirt, “Oh, I am unworthy” and beating my chest… thing. I messed up, I’m acknowledging it, I’m examining it, and I’m cleaning it up. Nothing more, nothing less. Miss will decide if she feels punishment is necessary, and I will accept her decision in the matter which ever way it goes. This is a journey after all, not a destination. My submission/slavery to her is a process. There’s going to be mistakes, it’s a fact of life. If there weren’t, then there would be no room for growth. I’ve found an area where I was unable to live up to my commitment to Her, and now my task it to correct and prevent and improve.
My Miss, I’m deeply sorry that I let you down here. I offer no excuse. I should have sought out your permission, and I failed to do so. Please forgive me. I will work hard to not repeat this mistake.
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