For the record, 30 hours, 4 minutes and 28 seconds until my Miss permanently collars me… and I’m writing a posting about obedience… or lack thereof…
Let me start his analysis with the “what happened” and then I’ll move on to pondering the “how come”.
I had four tasks to do yesterday. One was to put together a new AV, the angel I posted about this morning. One was to send my schedule for the week to my Miss. One was to write a blog entry. One was to get to bed on time. The last one is a daily task, the previous one is bi-weekly, before that is weekly and the first only came up yesterday evening. Of the four, I accomplished precisely one. Well, sort of. Just before I went to bed I sent my Miss my schedule, as well as owning up to everything else I’d messed up, but I’m sorta kinda not counting it. It was sheer luck that I remembered it.
So what happened? Miss Tara reminded me of all three tasks before she went to bed. My calendar popped up a reminder at 7:00 to send my schedule, and at 8:00 to make a blog entry. I closed those popups thinking “I’ll get to them after I’m done putting the Angel together” and then promptly forgot about them. I didn’t realise what time it was until about 90 past my curfew.
So what happened? Let me make a distinction here between an excuse and an explanation. An excuse absolves you of responsibility for what happened. An explanation discussed the causes of what happened while still taking full responsibility for it. Allow me to offer an explanation. I got caught up in the excitement of putting together the new AV. I’m also pretty ADHD (officially diagnosed), and that contributed as well. One of the paradoxes of ADHD is that you can be easily distracted (Squirrel!) while at the same time are capable of laser-like focus on a task. Am I powerless to control it? No, but I often need assistance in preventing the distraction from pushing out the task at hand. Last night I had several opportunities to prevent the distraction of the new shiny from pushing me off task. Miss’s reminder, my Calendar’s reminders.
So what happened? I forgot two things in the moment. First, how near impossible it is for me to stay on task when I’ve got a new shiny. Second, how much I hate feeling like I’ve let my Miss down. Was I making some back-handed attempt to force her to punish me? Hell no. Was I being a deliberate brat? Not a chance. Was I neglecting to be mindful of my commitments to my Miss and the fundamental importance of following through on them? Absolutely. I don’t know if my Miss will specifically punish me, or if she will consider this blog as adequate expiation. I know that I let her down and in doing so let us down, and it’s less than 30 hours now from when she puts her collar on me for good. Hardly a way to demonstrate my submission to her, or my eagerness to obey her.
In the email I sent her last night, I of course fessed up to my mistake, and let her know what actions I had taken to help ensure that I don’t repeat them. Specifically, I am changing the reminders so they’re a little more realistic in timing. I also need to re-dedicate myself to putting my Miss’s orders first and foremost. Yes, she gave me the task of putting together an Angel avatar, but there was no immediacy to it, and it could have waited until after I’d done her other tasks which have deadlines. I also need to add a reminder to my calendar which will pop-up when it’s time for me to go to bed. My Miss doesn’t have me do these things just for the joy of telling me what to do (though that is a sufficient reason), she has me doing these things because they’re important for helping me be a better employee, a better husband, a better slave, a better me.
Last night, the fun I was having overtook my Miss’s direction and instructions. That’s not acceptable. That’s not my place. My first and foremost responsibility is to do what my Miss tells me to do. I get great joy out of making her happy, and she is very indulgent with everything else. I owe her my unconditional obedience. That is the bottom line. That is part of what tomorrow is about, recognizing and affirming that my number one goal is following my Miss’s instructions.
I am very sorry my Miss. I let you down, again. I promise to do my best to do better in future.
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