I’m sitting at the office, waiting for a test run to complete so I can narrow in on when a bug was introduced (seriously hate this kind of debugging, but that’s a different story). As I’m sitting here, I’m pondering the last few months, and in particular pondering life as Miss Tara’s.
I’m going to do something that I’m a little uncomfortable about, I’m going to compare my four owners and look at what was good, what wasn’t and contrast that to now. My intention is not to be critical or accusatory. If anything comes across that way I apologise in advance. My intention is more to look at what is it about me and about my Miss that has resulted in such depth and solidity. I comes up as well for me because we’re at the magic point in SL D/s relationships, the two month mark. Only one of my previous relationships lasted beyond that mark and in retrospect that was an anomaly.
Let’s start with Wednesdai Breen. She was my first as was I. At the time she collared me, I was still very much the newbie in SecondLife. I’d also never before entered into a D/s relationship in any way. That I was submissive by nature I’d known virtually my entire life. What it would look like to submit to another I had no idea. Miss Wednesdai showed me that I could be a good submissive, that I was embarking on the right road in my life. That she was substantially younger than I wasn’t a significant issue. In looking back, I think the biggest issues were authority and security. I wrote at the time of my struggle to endow her with Command Authority. It was a struggle that I ultimately failed at. When my security was being eroded by the actions of Walter, I was not able to trust in her keeping me safe and secure, unable to endow her with the Authority to induce me to obey her direct command not to raise the issue again. It resulted in our needing to part ways. We are still in contact, she’s still a very good friend, and I still get all squidgy when she calls me “little one”. Since then, she has moved on, she now owns another very good friend of mine and has evolved into a fine Dominant. I know that my friend is well cared for, is truly under her Command. I’m really happy for them both.
I met Enigma while she was a trainer at FFF. She was older than Wednesdai, more experienced as a Dominant, she had Command Authority in spades. There was never a question of who was in charge with Enigma. I had grown as a submissive, I was more confident in myself and more confident in being in a D/s relationship. There is a lot that can be said about what brought about the end. There’s also conflicting interpretations of who left who. For me, I think there were two primary issues. First, our interests had decidedly diverged. She was focused primarily on creating a club/shopping area as a means to earn money within SecondLife. We spent hours and days planning and building. It was interesting and fun for a time, but eventually it became just about all we were about. The second piece for me was the perception (and I say perception deliberately here) on my part that my needs were not a priority for her. At the time we met I’d spent close to a month 24/7 as a pony. I identified most strongly (still do, really) as a pony. By the end, I’d spent virtually no time as a pony and the times when she took me to train it felt like it was a chore she was doing, not something we both enjoyed doing together. I reiterate, this was how I perceived things, not claiming that it’s what her motivations were, or where she was. Where I failed her, was in not checking in to validate or refute my perceptions. Did I leave her, or did she release me? Honestly, I’m not sure anymore, and really it’s no longer the point. The fact is that I learned a lot from her, and from being hers; I also learned that she and I were not right for each other.
We arrive now at deka. I was with deka for slightly more than 6 months. In SecondLife terms, this is well above the average. When we were together, deka and I fit incredibly well. Again she most definitely had the Command Authority down pat. All she had to do was look at me the right way and I snapped to. She was also instrumental in helping me to discover and expand on my latex fetish as well as my previously unknown boot fetish. When we were together, there was no question she looked after me well, she even extended into RL in small ways, like instituting a curfew because my sleep habits were so poor. The difficulty was how rarely we were together. I was surprised and saddened to read over my blog during the time we were together and note how few times I wrote of things that happened while we were together and how often I wrote of missing her. Yes, I had her cell phone number and could call her, but it was telling to me how rarely she reached out to me outside of SecondLife. Not a criticism, not a complaint, merely an observation and recognition that my own needs were not being met. I needed her to take ownership of maintaining lines of communication. Maybe not full responsibility, but at least a much larger share of it. That’s on me, not on her.
Finally, the best for last. Miss Tara Reardon. What can I say that I haven’t before? She knows me better perhaps than I do myself. There is no question that I am important to her, that my happiness is important to her, that my submission is important to her. She makes no bones who is in charge, and yet she spoils me rotten. She knows how important it is for me to feel her hand on my leash, and so whenever we are together the very first thing she does is take up my leash. She knows how much of a bondage slut I am and so she regularly orders me to restrain myself as tightly as I can. She knows how important it is for me to have variety in my form and my dress, and so she regularly chooses a new form for me to take. She knows how much I need to be held accountable for my responsibilities in RL and she does, firmly. She recognized my slave-nature even before I did and has helped me learn to yield to it, embrace it, thrive in my slavery to Her. She has claimed me as her own, and there is no where else I can possibly imagine myself. She’s my best friend, the best Miss I could ever imagine, my Owner in all ways. I also know, like I know how to breathe, how very proud I make her, and how much joy I bring to her life. Whether we are able to spend time together in SL, we are in constant contact. She makes it a priority to be sure that I know how important I am in her life, and I do my very best to show her the same. I have the honour and the privilege to wear her collar both in SL and in RL. In RL it is the one thing that we both have touched, and though I can’t wear it about my neck where it truly belongs, I have it on every waking hour of my day. A constant reminder of who I belong to.
I am, and hope ever to be, Miss Tara’s. That one sentence says it all.
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March 2, 201016:05