There’s a fine line between innocent/silly brattiness and going a bit too far. Don’t think I quite went too far this evening, though my Miss did set me an assignment: “I want an essay about how being YOU is an important element of submission.”

I’ll be honest, I’m struggling with this one a bit. I’m not entirely sure why, but I am. Part of it may be due to the fact that I’m pretty tired after going to a concert last night and getting home late, part of it may be due to the fact that it’s hard to examine something that just seems so self-evident.

The question that keeps stopping me is: How could I not be me? To put it another way, if I’m not being me, then aren’t I just faking it? A light flares in the darkness.

I guess what it comes down to is the question: Is this real or is it just play-acting? To use terms familiar to people in SL and/or the BDSM community, is this a lifestyle, or am I merely a player? The short version is: I’m no player. My slave nature has been an integral part of me as long as I can remember. That hasn’t ever changed, nor do I think it’s going to.

To be true to my Miss, to myself, to everyone I hold dear, I have to be me. I can’t be play acting, it’s not role-play. It’s an integral part of who I am. I can’t not be who I am. What I am learning though is how to express that. Letting the inner brat out if you will.

There have been times when I’ve been called the “perfect” sub, or “too” obedient, “too” well-behaved. If anything, I think that might be when I’m role-playing. I’ve got a fairly cutting sense of humour at times, and I love a good snark. Obviously there are times and places where being overly snarky is not appropriate and I’m still learning when those are, but I truly appreciate that my Miss appreciates and encourages me in letting my inner brat out. Appropriately of course. It wouldn’t do for me to give out a total snark at a time or place that makes her look bad.

So what does this tell me about the role of being me in my submission? Truth be told, I don’t know. What I do know is that being submissive is in my core, it’s part of who I am, and that to not be me would be faking it, role-playing, and that’s not what I’m about. If I had the opportunity to transition to RL would I? In a heartbeat. The fact that it isn’t an opportunity available to me does not lessen the degree to which my Miss owns me, nor does it mean that I’m not being true to myself in my submission to her. It merely means that there are some constraints which place immovable limits on where things can go. Within those limits though, I am me, I am only me, and I am, without a doubt, Miss Tara’s.

Related posts:

1. Some new thoughts, a realisation and an apology
2. Where is that line anyway?
3. Thoughts on labels
4. The role of SecondLife in my relationship with Miss Tara
5. An exercise in isolation and submission

2 Responses

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1. 

   Tara Reardon

   Mine, you’re one of the most REAL people I know. It’s just one of the reasons that you’re my best friend as well as my boy.

   February 17, 2010 at 23:24
2. 

   corvan

   awww… thank you my Miss

   February 18, 2010 at 09:19