When a submissive disobeys their Dominant, several things occur. First and foremost, the power exchange is thrown into imbalance. When in balance, the Dominant gives direction to the submissive, and the submissive obeys. This is one of the cornerstones of any D/s relationship. Disobedience puts that balance off. It can create feelings of resentment in the Dominant, and feelings of guilt in the submissive. Restoring this balance is crucial to the health of the relationship. The Dominant must forgive the submissive. The submissive must atone for their disobedience. Punishment is the means by which the balance is restored. It is the means by which the submissive atones. It is the means by which the Dominant forgives. Most important of all, it is the means by which the Dominant asserts authority.
A wise person defined a mistake as “Something you did that did not have the result you wanted.” For the most part, disobedience can be treated in this manner. In most cases, disobedience is unintentional. Submissives by their nature want to obey. It’s part of their being. This is one of the distinctions between a bottom and a submissive. A bottom wants to be forced to comply. A submissive wants to comply. Disobedience then is when the submissive fails to comply. There can be many reasons for the disobedience, some benign, others more destructive to the D/s relationship. A submissive my disobey from simple neglect or forgetfulness. A slave may disobey because the task the Dominant set could not be achieved, this can be deliberate or unintentional on the part of the Dominant. A submissive may disobey because the Dominant does not truly have (or exercise) authority. A submissive may disobey in order to receive punishment, a form of Topping from the Bottom. In the first two cases, punishment is effective at correction and atonement. In the third case, punishment is effective at providing a Dominant a tool for asserting authority. In the last case, punishment is not effective. The last case represents a situation that must be dealt with, but punishing or in other words rewarding the submissive in this case reinforces the situation, it doesn’t resolve it.
It is important for punishment to be considered, proportional and appropriate. Banishing a submissive fro a month because they failed to use the correct form of address would be none of these. The punishment must fit the transgression, it must be uncomfortable or unpleasant for the submissive, but it must not be so extreme as to drive the submissive away nor so trivial that the submissive laughs it off. This is a fine line for a Dominant to tread, especially when considered in context of the Dominant’s own disappointment in the submissive’s performance. What kinds of punishments to impose vary from relationship to relationship. For some, banishment for a time is appropriate. For others, a simple reprimand suffices. In a number of cases, soft limits represent fertile ground for chosing punishments. Something that is not enjoyed or liked by a submissive provides punishment opportunities that the submissive will not enjoy, but will accept. The particular punishment depends on the individuals and on the degree of what is being punished.
As state above, the goal of punishment is to heal the breach caused by disobedience. It is to atone for the disobedience. It is to provide a tool for the Dominant to assert their authority. When punishment is imposed, it is the duty of the submissive to accept the punishment, perform the acts demanded, and in this way return to the Dominant’s good graces. Most submissives feel substantial guilt for disobeying. It doesn’t matter whether the disobedience was deliberate or accidental, the guilt remains. Punishment provides a means for the submissive to purge the guilt. Dominants often feel either frustration and anger at a submissive’s disobedience, or are hurt by the lack of authority vested in them by the submissive. Punishment provides the Dominant with the sense of renewed authority, and with amends from the submissive. Once punishment is served, the offense is forgiven. Both submissive and Dominant can move on and put the disobedience behind them.
No one is perfect. It is a given that mistakes will be made, that a submissive will fail to live up to the demands of their Dominant. It is in these mistakes, in learning from them, in being punished for them, and in striving to do better that a submissive grows and serves their Dominant better. Punishment is not preferred of course, but when imposed should be embraced as the opportunity to improve that it represents.
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