No this does not have anything to do with the fact that Miss deka is out of SL for a little while as she gets her network connection relocated after a short move. I’m not pining for her, or worried that she’s not coming back, all of that is behind me. I know she’s here for me, and I know I’m her’s and I know that nothing short of catastrophe is going to change that.
What I’m really talking about is RL in general and my job in particular. I’ve been struggling at work ever since my wife’s stroke. In some ways, SecondLife has helped, and in other ways it has contributed to the problem. I’m having a helluva time maintaining my concentration at work, or even finding the motivation to actually do what I need to be doing. This has had substantial impact on my position within my team, and is frankly putting my job at risk. At this point I estimate I am less than a month from being laid off.
It’s a vicious circle, the more down I get on how I’m doing, the worse I do. The worse I do the more down I get on myself. Sigh. What I’d like more than anything would be to be able to just dive into a hole for about a month and pull it in after me. As long as there’s internet access and SL of course…
I think what’s really going on is that I’m cracking a little under the pressure. My wife still requires a lot of care and that’s pretty much another full-time job. Plus she’s having extreme difficulty sleeping which means that I’m having extreme difficulty with sleep, plus the frustrations I’m having with my current project, plus what’s going on with my step-daughter and step-son, plus, plus, plus…
I’m not writing this to whine about it and feel sorry for myself, more seeking to recognize where I am so I can get myself thinking about how to get myself out of it. I’m starting myself on anti-depressants to see if I can kick-start myself. Yes, I’m self-medicating; yes, I’m aware that this isn’t a great idea. It’s better than drinking heavily or shutting the entire world out through other means. My wife and I are keeping a close eye on my mood so if there’s any possibility of a bad reaction we’ll catch it quickly. I’m also (and I’ve already implemented this more or less) forcing myself to stay out of SL during work hours. I know I went overboard with this for a while and it’s stopped. The next step is to stop doing anything SL related during work hours. Today, I’m working on a couple of scripting projects while I wait for builds to finish. It seems a decent trade-off.
If I do get laid off, we’ve got a decent nest egg and can probably survive the better part of a year before we’re in dire straights. I don’t want to have to go there, but if we have to we have to. I am a bit fatalistic about my current job, it just doesn’t fire me up the way it used to. I’m also going to start looking to see what possibilities there are elsewhere. Linden Labs is hiring…
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October 12, 200918:03