—– Friday August 14, 12:36 SLT —–
I haven’t seen Miss deka since Sunday morning. I’m still locked in a kneel pose from my collar, and she hasn’t logged in once since then. Damon logged in briefly on Wednesday, but I was not online at the time. I’ve sent notecards to them both and to Miss’s alt in hopes of finding out what has happened.
I don’t know if Miss is in trouble, if she’s having connection problems, if Damon has insisted she terminate contact with me, or if she’s simply decided to abandon me. All of these possibilities are running through my head and there’s not a god-damned thing I can do about them because she’s not communicating with me. I’m so frustrated and hurt it isn’t funny. If it weren’t for the fact that she said she was coming back on Sunday, I wouldn’t be in nearly the state I am; but she did say she was coming back and she hasn’t.
It really isn’t helping matters that this started as I was dealing with a major crisis in RL. I really needed Miss’s comfort and support, and the relief I felt seeing her Sunday has been wiped out by the hurt over her disappearance.
Thank goodness for Tara and Re. They’re right there with me and giving me wonderful support. I’d be in much rougher shape if it weren’t for the love and support from them.
Miss deka has spent a lot of time in Gor, as has Tara. So we’ve come up with a plan based on Gorean traditions. First, on Sunday evening if there is still no sign of Miss deka, I’m going to reset my collar. This will at least release me from the kneeling pose I’ve been locked in since Sunday morning. Tara will take over as primary on the collar and everything else with Re as secondary. The assumption next week is that Miss deka is still going to return, but we need to deal with the immediate issue. If she returns then the transition from Tara back to Miss deka will be easily and cleanly managed.
If there is still no sign of Miss deka by Sunday August 23rd, then following the Gorean tradition I will consider myself as abandoned and no longer Miss deka’s. I hate writing those words. At that point, Tara and Re will fully take over as my protectors and anyone who wishes to take me on will need to convince them. Yes, that includes Miss deka should she return at that point.
Finally, if there is still no sign of Miss deka by Sunday August 30, I will remove her from my groups, my picks, my property, my life. I doubly hate writing those words. Nothing will change as far as Tara and Re, but at that point I will be open to meeting someone new. Probably. I don’t know. My emotions are so mixed up right now about Miss deka, I don’t know what kind shape I’ll be in when/if she returns or if she doesn’t. The one thing I can say is that if it gets to be August 30 with no sign of Miss deka then I will not be open to her collar again.
What hurts the most I guess is the total lack of communication. Not knowing means that all the horrible possibilities are running through my head and there’s nothing to counter them. All my self-doubts leap to the fore. All my insecurities. Was it something I did? Something I didn’t do? Is it her new RL relationship necessitating tossing me aside? Am I being tossed to the side? I just don’t know!
We’ve got contingency plans. I hope we don’t need them. I hope I don’t have to publish this because she did in fact come back.
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