I am about to receive a collar under trial from deka Nexen. This morning, she set me an assignment which I am doing here. The assignment is: For each of the forms I commonly take, what exactly is it they do for me, both in SL and RL, what need do they fulfill and how often do I need take them on?
First off, the forms she is referring to are: Ponyboy, Latex Doll/Bane, Tiger and I’ll add a fourth for completeness, Human Sub. I’ve written fairly extensively about being a pony, a little bit about being a tiger, much more about being a sub and virtually not at all about my Latex Doll/Bane form. For everyone who isn’t deka, I’ll need to get you caught up later on these.
When I started thinking about this, my thoughts drifted back to what Aquiel asked me back when Wednesdai and I split, in particular the four priorities: Belonging, Security, Order and Play. These four make an interesting starting point for discussing each form in turn though by no means are they the entire story. I’ll start discussing each form in terms of these four elements and then branch off from there.
Ponyboy is still my default form, even though I haven’t spent any significant time in gear for more than a month. At a visceral level, I principally identify myself as a pony. Pony form addresses all four priorities to one degree or another: Belonging in the sense of being a member of FFF, and more recently of the prospect of belonging to deka; Security in the sense that while on the farm the trainers are there in part to protect the ponies, this is in part the role of a Domme as well; Order in the sense that there are clearly defined rules and activities; Play, well obviously many aspects of pony play fall under here, not the lest of which is just plain silly cavorting around with other ponies. In some respects, Order is the most important here. The rules and roles are clearly defined for pony play. The pony knows exactly what is expected of him, and in cases where he doesn’t, it’s the trainer’s responsibility to make sure the pony understands. A pony primarily has one goal: To please his trainer/owner by doing precisely what is requested as well as possible. Everything revolves around this. The trainer makes his/her demands known to the pony and the pony does his very best to meet those demands. Rewards and praise are immediate if small (“good pony” or a treat like a sugar cube), and the focus is largely on the performance and behavior of the pony, though some of the most enjoyable activities like cart pulling do shift that focus substantially.
The Latex Doll form is curious in some ways because it focuses primarily on the Play priority and other other elements in ways that pony play does not. It’s no secret that I’m a serious bondage/restriction/cage slut. A lot of the attraction to this sort of play surrounds the loss of control over my physical person, or the loss of freedom in my movements and actions. The Latex Doll has become the essential focal point of bondage play. It also provides me the opportunity to explore latex fetishism despite my own real life sensitivity to latex. Finally, the Latex Doll form allows me to explore sensory deprivation and heavy restriction in ways that other forms do not. This brings the Belonging and Security elements into play. Belonging in that once locked in, my freedom literally belongs to the one who holds the keys and by extension so do I. Security in that indefinable sense with bondage of being held, of being free, of being safe and secure. It is very difficult to put words to that sense, but there is no denying the reality of it. Finally the heavy restrictions and focus on task helps me in coping with my ADHD. Focusing on a single task, like walking 10 laps around the Forum circle without falling, is a really effective way to practice holding my attention for extended periods.
The Tiger form is actually the least complicated of them all. My primary motivation for being in tiger form is to please my dominant. There is, in addition, a certain loosening of expectations with a tiger. A tiger can just walk up to someone, be it a friend or one’s Domme and curl up into a snuggle without concern for protocol. Cats live by their own rules after all. At the same time, and especially when on a leash, the tiger represents controlled strength. The strength comes from me, the control from the one holding the leash. This may represent an answer to the common perception of male submissives as being weak. There’s also a sense of play that is permissible to a tiger that is not normally allowed of a human sub. The tiger tends to race around a bit more, is easily distracted by shiny things, it’s ADHD in a form where that impulsivity is appropriate. (Aside: That was interesting, and is one of the reasons I love writing this blog: an insight I’d not had until now just presented itself and lead me to revising the previous paragraph as well.)
Finally, we come to the human form. Here we bring in all the elements again, the collar around my throat is a constant reminder of Belonging, the leash in my Miss’s hand represents Security, my kneeling when we are standing around, or when she is seated represents Order, and my presence in a cage, or the use of other restraints like gags, blindfolds, cuffs, etc, etc represent Play. The human form is of course the most versatile, with many possibilities for dress, restraint, etc.
None of the above discusses in any real depth the question of how these forms of play help me in RL. On the one hand, I’ve already spoken to the issue of ADHD and the insight gained while writing this of the connection between Latex Doll, Tiger and ADHD. Come to think of it, some pony activities figure into that as well. I need to maintain focus and attention on the demands of the driver while pulling a cart, as well as focusing on the needs of the cart being pulled. This practice helps me in keeping focus and attention on RL things as well. There is also the issue of Discipline, a word which has not entered this discussion until now. A lot of what these various forms bring is discipline in various shapes and degrees. It has been said that the only discipline is self-discipline, and anything that provides practice in self-discipline translates directly to becoming a better disciplined person in RL.
The most important effect on RL is stress relief. I am in regular need of relief from the near overwhelming burdens and responsibilities of RL. Having fun, giving up control to my Miss, striving to please her, being tightly restrained on a regular basis; all of these things help release the built up stresses of day-to-day RL.
The hardest question for me to answer is the question of how often do I need to be in these various forms? My first reaction is “It depends”, but I know that isn’t good enough. So let me come at this from another direction. What do I need and how often, and how does that relate to the various forms?
First and foremost, I need to feel like I belong. The most obvious way this is accomplished is by having deka’s collar locked around my throat. Spending time at FFF in my full FFF tack helps with that as well. Next I need a sense of security. Being on leash or on reins whenever I am with deka goes a very long distance towards satisfying that need, as does spending time as a pony or as a Latex Doll. The sense of Order is satisfied in any form, as is the Play component and My need for bondage/cage/fetish time. It’s worth noting that the one real complaint I have about my time with Enigma is that I spent far too little time in pony form.
After meandering around it for a while, the way I see it is this: I do need to spend a decent amount of time in my pony form. Depending on what else is going on, my next preferences would be Latex Doll or Human, with Tiger coming in as the least important for my needs. That said, variety is the spice of life. How I spend my time not in pony form is really up to deka and that’s fine by me.
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