I really don’t want to write this post, I really don’t want to have to do what I have to do, but I also know that I absolutely must do it and I will do it.

I am referring to Krystal here. I really would rather not associate with her. As I mentioned in a previous post, I find her loud and crass. Her constant attention seeking is tiring and I just really would feel better if I didn’t have to deal with her issues. Don’t get me wrong here, I am not judging her, I am not condemning her, in fact I feel sorry for her. In my experience, especially several years of volunteering with At-Risk-Youth, this sort of attention seeking behavior often indicates underlying self-image problems. You don’t feel go about yourself and you don’t think you will get the attention you need without demanding it as loudly as you can. I really do wish her the best in her SecondLife, and I hope she finds peace and happiness. I’d just rather not have to deal with it myself. It’s not why I come to SecondLife. Miss Wednesdai is.

Which brings me to the terrible error I committed yesterday. When I asked her to collar me, Wednesdai gave me only a few hard rules to follow. Number one was to always be open and honest with her. I let her down on that score yesterday, badly. I knew all day that I needed to have a conversation with her regarding Krystal, but at each opportunity I had an excuse not to. Initially it was that I was still dealing with what happened on the Patio. Then it was that I didn’t want her to interfere with another wonderful, tender moment when we were by the hot tub. Then it was that she was there in the room and I didn’t want a confrontation. Then it was… Then it was… Then it was… Great excuses every time, but entirely irrelevant. Especially when the restart came.

I failed Miss by not being open and honest about what the real reason I wished to go somewhere other than StoneHaven when they went. I failed her again when she checked in with me while I was out shopping. I’m not saying that I’m a failure, or beating myself up, but I’m not proud of how I served Miss in this area. I let her down, I let myself down, I let us down. I am very disappointed that when the first test came, I was not able to rise to its challenge.

When I see Miss online next, the first thing I am going to do (well, after I say “Hi” that that I’ve missed her) okay, the second thing I am going to do is ask her if we can have a private conversation either in person, or via IM. It’s not going to be an easy conversation to have, and I expect it will be an emotional roller coaster but it’s a conversation I need to have for several reasons.

First, Miss needs to know. Full stop. She needs to know. She cannot care for me, and I cannot serve her if she doesn’t know everything that is going on with me in SL. It’s the whole reason for rule number 1. She needs to know my discomfort with Krystal and then she will tell me what we will do. I don’t know if that means she will stop associating with Krystal, or if I will be dismissed to my cage whenever Miss and Krsytal are playing, or if I will be released to go where I will when she and Krystal are playing, it’s entirely up to her. I specifically will not ask Miss to stop associating with Krystal. It’s not my place, and it’s not what I want anyway. I only want to be allowed to absent myself from Krystal’s presence.

Second, I need to apologize to Miss for failing to keep rule number 1. Sure, I am correcting that, but it does not change the fact that when this concern came to me, I failed to bring it to Miss’s attention so she could determine what we will do about it. Open, honest handling of issues is the only way for any relationship to work. Whether it’s a working relationship, a marriage, a Domme and her sub. Not being open, not being honest holds our relationship back and I don’t want that.

Third, it feels like I should be punished. I’ve read that this is very common, subs crave punishment for rule breaking as a way to purge the associated guilt for letting their Dom(me) down. I’d read that, I thought I’d understood it, I didn’t really get it. I do now. I feel a lot of guilt for letting Miss down, and I feel like I need to pay a price to rid myself of that guilt. By no means is this the same as a sub being bratty to earn a desired punishment. I don’t want to be punished for this, not at all and whatever punishment Miss deems appropriate will not be enjoyed. I do, however, feel that I need to be punished so that this can be put behind us and we can move on. Another of those subtle distinctions (need/want) that seems to be bringing so much richness to this.

Related posts:

1. About the previous post
2. At some point you've got to let it go, Enigma
3. On Toxic People and other random thoughts
4. On Punishment
5. Some new thoughts, a realisation and an apology