More stream of consciousness coming…

As I’ve been thinking about being a sub, I’ve been reviewing transcripts of my interactions with Miss Wednesdai. A few things have come up in that review and I want to explore them a bit. Please join me on this journey.

As an aside, this is one where I’m actually not sure if it is a good idea for Wednesdai to be reading this blog. Not that I’m going to keep any of these thoughts from her, I probably won’t lay them out the same way I’m going to here. Then again, the more and better Wednesdai and I come to know each other the better the prospects are for a fulfilling D/s relationship.

First thought is a reminder how important it is to keep toxic people out of your life. I’m referring specifically to a girl (can’t call her a lady, honestly, she’s too crass) named Krystal. Krystal and Wednesdai were playing together sort of in tandem with Wednesdai and I playing the other night when Wednesdai collared me.

To be blunt, I believe Krystal is a toxic person for Wednesdai and I. That doesn’t mean she’s a bad person or that there’s something fundamentally wrong with her. She does come across as a bit of an attention whore though. By that I mean that she appears to need to be the center of attention at all times, and she’s unable to refrain from jumping into the middle of situations she has no business jumping into.

A case in point; really the case in point. Recall that Wednesdai had me in the Voting cage, and that shortly after that I agreed to accept her collar. Wednesdai and I were having a very sweet, touching moment together after she released me from the cage. It wasn’t loud, it wasn’t frenetic, we were sharing a very tender moment as I came to realise that not only did Wednesdai trust me to be a good sub, but that I truly wanted to be her sub too.

It really was a sweet moment, and she’s really a very sweet Lady… the silences stretched, I was physically trembling (and said so in chat). In a number of ways, it paralleled the moment my future wife and I had our first kiss….

… which frightens me a little, but I digress.

Krystal wouldn’t leave us alone! Granted, we were in a public place (the patio at StoneHaven of course), but still, a little propriety and observational skills please. It is difficult to have a tender moment when there is a third-party doing things with your partners genitals. Nor is it easy to have a touching moment when this same third-party role-plays drugging your partner. It kind of breaks the mood.

Until the injection part, Wednesdai and I really weren’t paying much if any attention to Krystal so the moment wasn’t completely ruined. Regrettably, Wednesdai went along with the drugging RP and the moment was ended too soon.

I’m not trying to sound like a prude, Wednesdai is free to have any sexual encounters she wishes and we have established that. She is after all the Domme in the relationship and it’s not my place to impose, well, anything much really, on Her. Also, Wednesdai and I will never, ever have sex (hard limit) so is is doubly inappropriate to suggest to Wednesdai that she too be chaste in SL. I will just say that if Krystal is around, I would rather not play and we’ll leave it at that.

On to other random thoughts…

I’m trying to get a handle on how much Out Of Character(OOC) is too much OOC. A number of times, Wednesdai and I will be IMing as though we were peers, while in regular chat, I’m speaking as the almost too perfect sub. It’s not feeling quite right somehow and it feels like it could hold us back. If I’m too comfortable just talking normally to her (even if it’s in IM), then what really is our relationship? Are we friends (as demonstrated in IM) or are we Domme and sub (as demonstrated in Chat). I am beginning to think that I need to see her only as my Domme. I need to feel in my bones that she is in charge, that she is the one calling the shots. IM is great and I love IMing with her but that needs to be also be as sub to Domme except when something extra-ordinary is happening like helping her to understand how my iControl implant works or when something is terribly wrong. I’ve seen D/s couples that have normal conversations, the difference being that the Dom(me) is firmly in charge. I need to learn how to do that, to be the sub without being a doormat. I’m not a slave, I have an independent mind and feelings. But I am the sub in this relationship. There is a big difference.

I’m also wondering if I’ve truly submitted to Wednesdai yet and the answer I keep coming up with is: Not yet. That’s okay, and it will come in time I am sure. I guess I don’t feel in my bones that Wednesdai is in command. That’s not a criticism or her, just noting where I am at. Wednesdai has not demanded of me anything that I’m not ready to jump up and do, which means to me that there’s still play acting going on. Yesterday’s stint in the cage was in sharp contrast to that, but is tempered by the fact that I essentially gave permission for it to happen. That’s what I need to stop I guess, giving my permission. It should not be a question of my permission, Wednesdai will tell me what she requires me to do and I will need to do it or suffer punishment. I’m not at the point yet where I feel that latter part. It feels to me like if I’d said “I’d rather not get into the Voting Cage, Miss” she would have acquiesed and we would have done something different. In a way, it feels like I’m topping from the bottom and I don’t want to do that. It isn’t conducive to a real D/s relationship. It almost feels like the best thing Wednesdai could do right now to truly take command would be to shove me back into that Voting Cage, much as I don’t want to, precisely because I don’t want to. It’s nothing I’ve said is a limit, it’s highly unlikely I would safeword out, but it would begin to establsh the power dynamic in ways that it isn’t yet. There I go again, topping from the bottom .

To be fair, I think it is equally correct to say that I haven’t fully endowed her with that authority either. I’m using a term from TheatreSports here, but the essence is that in any power relationship, the top is the top because of both participants. The bottom endows the top with authority (essentially, grants it to the top, sounds a lot like being a sub, no?), and the top acts from authority. Act as if and eventually it will. I need to endow Wednesdai with being in command.

Finally, I think I need to work some more on my priorities between RL and SL. There have been a few things (nothing major, but still) that have slipped that I needed to take care of for my wife. In a very real sense, she and I are both sub to the impact of her stroke. I need to dig deeper to really, properly take care of her and I’m not putting forth my best effort at the moment. My time in SL is partly to blame, but not completely.

Related posts:

1. What I did, What I didn't do, What I need to do
2. Some thoughts after re-reading my entire blog
3. Thoughts on being a good sub…
4. Thoughts on labels
5. Sometimes life is just good, you know?