So I got into this SecondLife thing as a way to relieve stress and leave my RL troubles behind for a while. Right? That was the whole idea, was it not? So how come I’m feeling more stressed right now?

Well, that’s actually a pretty simple question to answer really, there are a bunch of reasons:

1. SecondLife Connection issues. I was having incredible difficulty teleporting just about anywhere yesterday and in a number of the locations I was able to get to either the lag was really bad so I couldn’t even see who was there for minutes at a time or there wasn’t anyone there.
2. RealLife issues. Sunday is the day we have no help in the house. This means no cook, maid or nurse for my Wife. While these sound like luxuries (we certainly thought they would be when we first arrived in India), they really aren’t. Since her stroke, Sundays have become the day that everything falls on me. I’m up for it, someone has to be able to keep things going, but combine that with #1 and…
3. SecondLife issues, namely no one to play with. My first few days inworld, once I stopped the constant messing with my appearance, I was content to lock myself up in a cage or chain myself to a wall with timers set and just watch the world go by. Since then I’ve had a handful of scenes with others locking the restraints and suddenly inworld selfbondage doesn’t seem to cut it. I spent a fair piece of Sunday sitting on the Patio at StoneHaven either waiting for anyone to show up (StoneHaven was one of the few places I could reliably get to, fortunate that as it’s my current favorite hangout) or watching enviously, nay jealously as others were playing.

I’m sure we’ve all heard of the whiny sub running around demanding everyone in sight punish him ’cause he’s been a Baaad Boy, and I really hope that’s not how I’m coming across, here or inworld. It’s also not what I want. I want to play. With people who want to play with me. With lots of chains and whips and clamps .

I get that I’m still very wet behind the ears as far as SL goes, and I try hard not to impose myself on other people’s scenes and I’m trying to learn the etiquette of BDSM in SL as fast as I can. I know that in RL I’m quite introverted and not nearly as assertive as I need to be at times, this is translating into an almost painful shyness regarding playing in SL. I’m not shy about running my mouth off, or chatting in general in SL, and when someone initiates something I participate wholeheartedly and I think reasonably well. What I can’t seem to do is find a way to say to someone “Play with me?” without it sounding whiny and pathetic.

The numbers do work against me a bit, there’s many more subs in SL than Dom(mes), plus the male/female ratio is screwy, plus most of the women I know in SL so far have in their profiles: No Boys Allowed. Or words to that effect.

It’s just so frustrating. Not the good kind of frustrating either. Of course this morning (afternoon SLTime) the grid is having huge problems and I can’t even log in. Sigh.

Wow. For someone who doesn’t want to be that whiny sub, that’s a pretty damned whiny posting there, Corvan. Feeling a bit sorry for yourself perhaps? Maybe feeling a bit guilty. It’s not like this is all a bed of roses for my Wife either, and here I am whining about SL?

The coup de grace is RL Work. I had planned to spend a significant part of the weekend working. We’ve got a code drop on Tuesday and my bug list is a little out of control. Did I spend any time over the weekend working on my bugs? Nope, I spent it fighting with SL and sitting on my butt in StoneHaven moping about how nobody would play with me. Geez I feel like a spoiled brat right now.

Funny how things come full circle. This is beginning to sound like my childhood in some ways. Not that I was spoiled, but I was a bit of a brat and spent quite a bit of time moping about having no one to play with. Oh yeah and just to complete the circle, putting off all the things I was supposed to be doing (homework, chores, music practicing) because I was too busy moping.

Related posts:

1. On life in SecondLife…
2. Don't let anyone tell you that SecondLife isn't "Real"
3. Hello World! Happy Rez day to me, January 4, 2009
4. Why do I only write when I'm feeling bad?
5. Ponderings while waiting for a test run to complete…