Corvans Creations… Musings on a Second Life

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Not a lot to talk about tonight. I’ve been quite busy with work, it’s a good thing. I’ve been pretty busy making plans and designing the inventory manager. I’ve been spending more time with Miss playing backgammon, or Monopoly, or what have you online. We haven’t really spent any time in SL together and it’s been okay. She’s still very much my Miss, and I’m very much her pony. It’s been 4 months since she put her permanent collar on me, and yes, the blush is off the rose a little, but we’re finding a routine that’s working for us.

There are definitely areas where I’m not feeling it as much as I was, particularly in the realm of bondage, but we’ve talked about that in the past, and I continue to have her permission to run my alt as a bondage toy, which I have been. I’m finding that running her is going a long way to fulfilling that need. I am beginning to feel a bit of a lack in my social life, I’m not spending nearly the time I used to at Forum, partly because I’m busy with my alt, partly because I’m busy with my development projects, partly because… well, it was getting tiresome and the pull hasn’t been very strong lately. Miss and I are working on this one though, and I know things will be moving before too long.

Meanwhile I’m really feeling good about where the inventory manager project is going. There is still a lot of work to be done, but it feels like I’m laying a very sound foundation as I proceed. I can’t wait to get it done so I can start using it

I’m sitting here (late, but it’s been that kind of week), late because I needed to help my wife take a bath. It’s going to be a bit of a late night, not badly, but somewhat. As for my sleep cycles, it’s okay because the last few days I’ve been sleeping a lot as I get over a brief bout of the flu.

In some ways it was a very good week and in others not so great. Miss and I had some really good conversations, and played a lot of Can’t Stop and Backgammon. She’s been kicking my ass at Can’t Stop and I’ve been returning the favor at Backgammon. Thing is though, we’re getting a bit more formal in our conversations. We both noticed, well I think Miss noticed more than I did or at least brought it up sooner, that I’d been increasingly casual when we’ve been conversing. That’s changing effective immediately, and I’m noticing it’s helping. That formality is a constant reminder of who I am and who Miss is.

Meanwhile, despite my bout of the flu, I’m feeling more energized about work and about SL projects. In fact, I’m actively working on an update to Chat Enhancer now as well as a new product, Inventory Manager. Inventory Manager is my most ambitious project to date and if it works, could be very, very good, especially as things slowly transition from SecondLife to other grids.

I seem to be just kind of floating along these days. I’m not doing a very good job of obeying my Miss’s direction, I’m not finding much fun in SL at the moment, I’m not finding much satisfaction in my work (though that does seem to be going okay).

Miss Tara asks me to identify what needs and desires I have that are not being fulfilled and I just draw a blank. I’m seriously not used to identifying my own needs. I’m all about satisfying others’ needs, I’m not really very good at satisfying my own. Hmm, come to think of it, that resonates. I’m thinking that maybe one of the sources of my struggles regarding Miss is: She doesn’t need me right now. What I mean by that is that there really isn’t anything I can do for her right now, she’s doing well in her life (barring some bumps), she’s settling in to her new place, her job is going well, and she’s got a wonderful relationship developing with her Master.

When she was in SL more, she needed me for companionship, for conversation, for playing Greedy ; that’s significantly diminished now. We do still talk regularly, near constantly, but that’s not quite the same thing. This thought isn’t fully formed, so if it seems nebulous that’s because it is, but it really does resonate for me. A big chunk of why I’m feeling out of sorts is because I’m feeling… unused, I guess would be the best word. What is there I can do for my Miss? Right now, not a lot, and that isn’t sitting well. Even the things I’m doing for myself at her direction don’t seem to really count, because that feels like it’s for me, not for her…

I know this isn’t the whole story, one of my biggest struggles as I said is identifying what I need, even what I’m feeling. For so many reasons, my needs come second most of the time, so I guess I suppress them. I am working hard to identify what it is I need that I’m not getting, whether it’s from Miss, or from my wife, or from life in general. Social interaction is definitely one of them, and Miss has ordered me to look into what I can find that I can do once a week or once every other week that would be more social for me. So far the only thing I’ve come up with, and it’s on my list already, is fishing.

No one said this would be easy, and its definitely not going to be, but I also know I need to do it. Not only because my Miss told me to, but because it’s what I need to make sure my needs are being fulfilled.

I’ve been given a new topic tonight, explore my desires to be owned vs being owned in SL.

Once again, I’ve been staring at a blank page for ages…

What I really know right now is that it’s been a long, exhausting week. My brain is mush, and I’m going to see what a good night’s sleep will do.

Talk about being derailed. My blog was offline for a while this evening due to a database error. Fortunately I was able to repair the database and everything appears to be operating normally again. It made for a bit of a panic though as I was sweating through several scenarios, first that my blog would be gone, poof… second that my nice reliable hosting was suddenly less reliable meaning that all my customers for DC Designs products would be yelling at me in the morning. Finally and most importantly that I’d be unable to post as directed by Miss Tara and that was something I really didn’t want to not do.

Miss was able to come into SL for a while this evening to whomp me at Can’t Stop again it was nice to be able to spend that time with her. I’m still struggling with the transition from being hers primarily in SL to being hers primarily outside of SL, but I think progress is being made.

Feels like two steps forward one step back on a number of levels. Miss really wants me to be insightful in this blog, but I’m having a helluva time finding the words to write. She’s got some serious stresses in RL at the moment, I’m still working on my own stresses, and I’m finding it a surprising struggle just to do what I know I must. What I’ve been told to.

I’m trying to find the source of my struggle, but I’m not having any real luck doing so. I’ve spent well over a half hour mostly staring at this blank page, not knowing what to say that isn’t simple reportage:

Miss was in and we played some Can’t Stop and she soundly whomped me. We were bantering back and forth with our friend Joelle on Skype while she was whomping me and it was a lot of fun. No real insights to be had there though.

I guess I’ll just say that tomorrow’s another day, that I’m doing my best to obey my Miss, and doing my best to take care of myself and my family at the same time (no, that’s not implying there’s any conflict between obeying my Miss and taking care of myself or my family). We’ll see what I can craft tomorrow for a blog entry.

That pretty much sums it up. We’re not physically together so Miss can’t exercise her control over me by chaining me up. We’re not in SL a lot together of late, so she can’t exercise her control over me by chaining me, or ordering me into other forms or what-have-you. So that leaves RL, and the tasks she sets for me as her primary means to exercise control.

Power Exchange, D/s, is at it’s very basic about control. Without her control, I’m not her slave. Without being able to exercise her control, she’s not my Miss. It’s just about as fundamental as that. So when I disobey, when I forget to ask permission, when I fail to give up control to her, then I’m not being true to our relationship as Miss and slave. In a sense, I’m not being her slave since I’m not giving up the control that is rightly hers.

That’s not a good thing…

Well it’s been a quiet week, but that’s okay. I completed my week of daily posts and had gotten much better at putting in Miss’s hands what belongs in Miss’s hands… until yesterday that is.

I have a couple of weekly assignments, one is to get her my schedule for the week every Sunday, also to blog every Sunday. Usually on long weekends, I’ve been doing my blogging and schedule sending on the Monday, and this weekend was going to be no different… except that I forgot to ask Miss for permission to put it off until Monday. During the day yesterday I did have the thought to send her an IM asking, but put it off until later. Big mistake. If there’s one thing I know about myself it’s that more than half the time things that I put off until later get completely forgotten. As happened yesterday.

So, this week’s topic is: The importance of asking in advance if I want permission to change my schedule. One posting a day, 7 days, starting today. Posts to be between 9:30 and 10:00 and no contact with SL while I’m doing it.

Well if my reckoning is correct (and I’ll confirm it tomorrow, not tonight) this is the last of the week of blogs Miss directed me to do. It’s interesting to see how much more centered I am in my slavery to her in just that week. I guess what I needed more than anything was a reminder of who the boss is and to whom my ass belongs Struggling occasionally, making mistakes, these are all normal provided that something is learned and growth occurs. I think there’s been growth and I know Miss is proud of my progress over the week. She told me so.

In other news, I’m definitely catching the scripting bug again, and making progress. Today I wrote an entire system for the Forum which will help Gardeners make sure that newcomers get welcomed. The idea came up at yesterday’s Gardener’s meeting and I spent part of yesterday pondering, and then early this morning got started on it. We’re testing it now, but I really like how it’s turned out!

Today Miss was inworld for a while and it was very nice to hear her say that she too misses hanging out with me. Not that I doubted it, but having that validation was a nice surprise on top of the surprise that was seeing her log in.

I’m getting better at checking in with her too. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to blog this evening, and I’ll admit that I was sufficiently caught up in Tiny Empires that I almost missed… but the key things are: I didn’t forget, I remembered in time. When I wasn’t sure if the daily postings were still on, I asked Miss. I did figure out how I could find out on my own, and did, but I asked rather than assuming and hoping for the best.

It getting natural again I think. In part, it’s not trusting my own judgment, especially because my judgment isn’t really at issue: It’s Her’s that matters. It’s feeling better and more comfortable too. The last little while has felt strained, not as much now.